Starting over....is it failure or fruition?
Really, of all of the challenges we face in our lives that involve other people it is the starting over that requires us to face our greatest fears and self doubt.
We ask ourselves so many questions...are we a failure at what we once had and are now moving away from?...or are we a serial crazy person unable to maintain our focus on one world, moving like grazing cattle from one relationship to the next?...or are we reinventing ourselves to best match our needs as our needs change and evolve......?
What are our needs?
Needs are what feeds our soul engine. It may sound odd to say that, but truly if you think about it, it is true.
Our soul engine, if you will, is the vessel which we draw from, to offer to others in our life, our best words, actions and feelings.
I use the words soul engine, not for its religious connotations but more as a word set to best describe what it is in ourselves that collects and disseminates our experiences and feelings and turns it into meaningful actions....
Our soul engine (for example), is what helps us to not only express to our kids what is good and bad..(that knowledge of Good and Bad comes from experience) but our soul engine gives us the ability to express to them why something is....in a manner in which we can help them to understand why we feel as we do......the logic being, we can tell them that crossing the street without looking is wrong....but when we look them in the eye and they see our soul letting them know that we really do care.......the soul.....makes the message make sense.....
For better or worse...the soul engine is seemingly a vessel that needs refilling....the most effective way is to do this daily by being with and around others who inspire, reading, experiencing and otherwise experiencing positive (and less so, negative) input.
In a relationship ..by its very definition, this "refilling" comes from being with a person who truly meets your inner needs........we spend so much of our life concerned about the outer needs....his/her genetics, their stature in the eyes of others etc....these are all admirable qualities and needed virtues, but ultimately it is not the best fuel for our souls........it leaves us hungry....always....
Oh yes....we can say that we can do all of this filling on our own....we don't need anyone etc.....but in my experience...the people with the most to give...the richest source of soul engine fuel...if you will...are those who actively engage with others in an intimate way.......taking and feeding from their words and input....
So what to do when we are no longer having our needs met and our soul engine is not being filled?....do we stay?...or start over...?
It is true.....on rare occasions that once the heart is lost in a relationship it can be rekindled.......but its also more often true........that this does not happen?.....the outcome of a relationship stymied is a soul engine in depletion......slowly but ever so certainly, running down like an unwound clock..........and then, there we stand.....
When we question our choices and voice our concerns....is he right for me?....am I getting what I need?.......all those type of questions that rise to the surface are not as a result of the others person failure, but by our own failure to surround ourselves with another (or others) who fill our soul engine as we need it done......so....do we see the end of something as a failure......or a fruition...? Did we fail to make the relationship work...? Or did the components and fuel of the relationship fail to fill our soul engine?
So....do we stay...or start over?
Showing posts with label bc. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bc. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Monday, March 4, 2013
WTF....Single at 50
WTF....What the fuck...!...I say this as this is the new way (WTF) to say what the fuck....I always thought that wtf would be only used in a conversation...but apparently not.....why is this....? I can tell you why...its because we are in a new era of greying juveniles.....
When I was a kid I looked at older people (50) and we referred to them as "Raisins"...why...because they were picked over grapes, left to dry and shrivel....good for bowel movements and not much else......my how the world has changed...WTF....
50 and single...what does that mean.....well...let me tell you its no picnic out there......this is like grade 8 all over except the toys and ploys are so much grander..........I recently spent an evening in a local beach community...I used to go there 25 years ago to bang my girlfriend on the beach late at night.....I could do this at that time as most of the residents were neatly tucked in their beds.....sleeping away, hooked up to their CPAP machines....the only other night time prowlers were people my age looking to find a place to bang their babes (or in turn to be banged I suppose...)...On my return to this beach town the world had turned....and I am not sure for the better.........oh I am sure the residents were tucked into their beds, but the residents were now 30ish and sleeping on a Saturday night as they had no money left after paying their mortgage to go out with....a quiet night with a Blu Ray, the wife and a nice Chianti......the town though...was far from quiet .....
Who was there were the same people that had tried to bang on the beach so many years ago.........except they were now grey......(ing).........and that's not just it....It wasn't as if my mother had shown up there looking 50, wearing a silver wig and a muu muu....no this was full blown middle-aged teens.......WTF....guys 50-60 wearing Billabong board shorts with a T-shirt saying Anti-Everything and a Ball cap on backwards......I looked closely...I am sure one of these guys is my accountant......sitting in a bar/restaurant....I was surrounded by them....men in Bad ass motherfucking outfits...all very clean and some still with the tags on them...and women.....yes women....all dialed up....this is not my mothers world...WTF....these women came in all shapes and sizes as one might expect....but for many they had it dialed......they were buff and bronzed.....bootylicous and breathtaking.......these were not the high school babes...no those girls were long gone to the world of Jenny Craig....these were the ugly ducklings who (through Pilate's and cosmetic surgery at times..) had finally become the Swan.....WTF
So how can I snare one of these babes and secret her of to the beach to bang......whoa...apparently not so fast Kimosabe...( I think that's what Tonto would say if he was Japanese.) ....it takes a whole lot of coin to make a 55 year old board short wearing account look hot......and what do dweeb board short wearing bad ass motherfucking t-shirt wearing ball cap backwards accountants spend the money on....? Harleys....Fucking Harleys........WTF.....there was a time , not so long ago when the world was right and just, when the Harley was the domain of the loner, the greaseball, the biker.....the resident fuck up....it was a sure bet that when you heard that a rumblin' sound comin down the road straddling it would be some gap-toothed borderline personality sporting a nasty ass Tatt that said "Born To Lose".......you could count on it.....
Well no more........
Now the HD (Harley Davidson) is a sign of male emancipation.....it says.......I am a rich dweeb board short wearing bad ass motherfucking t-shirt wearing ball cap backwards wearing accountant loaded to the gunwales with Viagara and a Platinum Amex......Don't fuck with me........Ok I say.......got it.....
Where's my Mom....?
How does one compete in an atmosphere such as this.....women with more testosterone than men, men who are so stupid to spend all that cash on a 1200 cc behemoth capable of decapitating you with just one wrong turn of the forks......is it the danger these people crave........what do they talk about to make themselves sound even more dangerous........I can only think my accountant may have a conversation like this...." well last week was brutal....I had a client who has this motherfucking massive off shore account...and RevCan is seriously trying to dick him around.....so I got on the blower and told that fuckwad of a snivel servant to lick my boots...there was no fuckin way we were going to let him or anyother swinging dick have a look at the books......fuck them and all who look like them......hey btw...want to take a spin on my Harley.......?"
I think this approach might work......although without the Harley my conversation would swap out a Toyaota Camry for the Harley and the whole danger thing would collapse in upon itself.....(as a side note the Camry has won the JD Powers award for the safest car in a mid sized class for 7 years running....this is not really the stuff to tell a testosterone laden 50ish babe to get her all wet....)
So....what to do.......I can wait a couple of years and save up for a Harley........or come up with a brand new plan........tell you what.........let me think this over and I will get back to you with the final outcome........ok......
WTF
When I was a kid I looked at older people (50) and we referred to them as "Raisins"...why...because they were picked over grapes, left to dry and shrivel....good for bowel movements and not much else......my how the world has changed...WTF....
50 and single...what does that mean.....well...let me tell you its no picnic out there......this is like grade 8 all over except the toys and ploys are so much grander..........I recently spent an evening in a local beach community...I used to go there 25 years ago to bang my girlfriend on the beach late at night.....I could do this at that time as most of the residents were neatly tucked in their beds.....sleeping away, hooked up to their CPAP machines....the only other night time prowlers were people my age looking to find a place to bang their babes (or in turn to be banged I suppose...)...On my return to this beach town the world had turned....and I am not sure for the better.........oh I am sure the residents were tucked into their beds, but the residents were now 30ish and sleeping on a Saturday night as they had no money left after paying their mortgage to go out with....a quiet night with a Blu Ray, the wife and a nice Chianti......the town though...was far from quiet .....
Who was there were the same people that had tried to bang on the beach so many years ago.........except they were now grey......(ing).........and that's not just it....It wasn't as if my mother had shown up there looking 50, wearing a silver wig and a muu muu....no this was full blown middle-aged teens.......WTF....guys 50-60 wearing Billabong board shorts with a T-shirt saying Anti-Everything and a Ball cap on backwards......I looked closely...I am sure one of these guys is my accountant......sitting in a bar/restaurant....I was surrounded by them....men in Bad ass motherfucking outfits...all very clean and some still with the tags on them...and women.....yes women....all dialed up....this is not my mothers world...WTF....these women came in all shapes and sizes as one might expect....but for many they had it dialed......they were buff and bronzed.....bootylicous and breathtaking.......these were not the high school babes...no those girls were long gone to the world of Jenny Craig....these were the ugly ducklings who (through Pilate's and cosmetic surgery at times..) had finally become the Swan.....WTF
So how can I snare one of these babes and secret her of to the beach to bang......whoa...apparently not so fast Kimosabe...( I think that's what Tonto would say if he was Japanese.) ....it takes a whole lot of coin to make a 55 year old board short wearing account look hot......and what do dweeb board short wearing bad ass motherfucking t-shirt wearing ball cap backwards accountants spend the money on....? Harleys....Fucking Harleys........WTF.....there was a time , not so long ago when the world was right and just, when the Harley was the domain of the loner, the greaseball, the biker.....the resident fuck up....it was a sure bet that when you heard that a rumblin' sound comin down the road straddling it would be some gap-toothed borderline personality sporting a nasty ass Tatt that said "Born To Lose".......you could count on it.....
Well no more........
Now the HD (Harley Davidson) is a sign of male emancipation.....it says.......I am a rich dweeb board short wearing bad ass motherfucking t-shirt wearing ball cap backwards wearing accountant loaded to the gunwales with Viagara and a Platinum Amex......Don't fuck with me........Ok I say.......got it.....
Where's my Mom....?
How does one compete in an atmosphere such as this.....women with more testosterone than men, men who are so stupid to spend all that cash on a 1200 cc behemoth capable of decapitating you with just one wrong turn of the forks......is it the danger these people crave........what do they talk about to make themselves sound even more dangerous........I can only think my accountant may have a conversation like this...." well last week was brutal....I had a client who has this motherfucking massive off shore account...and RevCan is seriously trying to dick him around.....so I got on the blower and told that fuckwad of a snivel servant to lick my boots...there was no fuckin way we were going to let him or anyother swinging dick have a look at the books......fuck them and all who look like them......hey btw...want to take a spin on my Harley.......?"
I think this approach might work......although without the Harley my conversation would swap out a Toyaota Camry for the Harley and the whole danger thing would collapse in upon itself.....(as a side note the Camry has won the JD Powers award for the safest car in a mid sized class for 7 years running....this is not really the stuff to tell a testosterone laden 50ish babe to get her all wet....)
So....what to do.......I can wait a couple of years and save up for a Harley........or come up with a brand new plan........tell you what.........let me think this over and I will get back to you with the final outcome........ok......
WTF
My Mother......or Eat your Children well....
Whenever I think of writing this series of chapters I feel guilty for not feeling guilty....Is that wrong...?
My Mother.....everytime I say those 2 words I cue Rodney Dangerfield in my head....oh well...my Mother...as a teenager, my mother was infamous...in fact she remains infamous...all that has changed is I am no longer a teenager...but I digress.......my Mother...she had the hairy eyeball, the evil eye ....she said the most shocking things just to let you know she was on to you......none of this really surprised me.....our family crest features an Eagle with a baby in its talons with a Latin script beneath that translates into " We eat our own".....
As I grow to be a parent myself to 2 teenage daughters I have come to understand the complex and challenging realtionships we have with our kids...I also understand I am not in the driver seat anymore...I am more like a tour guide on a runaway bus.....oh well...more on that later...
Back to the story at hand....
I was 19 years old and still living at home.....I had graduated from high school and was doing what all teenage boys do...chasing girls, working part-time and driving a shitty car......as a side note it is arguable that the 1972 Ford Cortina was perhaps the shittiest car ever made....The English make terrible cars as a rule but this was their nadir of nastiness....a piesta du la crappe..!
But I digress......shitty car aside I was a good kid...not a great kid, not a bad kid...just a kid....
It was, as I recall, a Monday afternoon......about 2 PM...I was in my basement bedroom...stereo blaring...Springsteen I suspect....my mother was upstairs and my father was at work.......I was preparing for a difficult night delivering pizzas...ok...perhaps delivering pizzas in Victoria is not a life threatening occupation but ...ok...carrying on....
A knock came upon my bedroom door.......I opened to find my mother.....2 hard plastic, red in colour, empty suitacses, 1 in each hand.....
" Time for you to go.." she said.....
"huh?".....Morning mom..." I said
Again she stated..."I said...its time for you to go....I have spoken with your father and he agrees with me..its time for you to move out...here, take these"
Silence....
I knew she was serious....when you live with a loon you come to realize that tone of voice, that look that says....don't even think about asking me to change my mind......my mother would have made a good Nazi...
My lame protestation would do no good but try I must...." When...?" I said...
"Now..." with this she turned and went back upstairs...
I picked up the empty suitacases and laid them on the bed.....I was not entirely sure what I should do......I only knew there was no way to change her mind.....
I opened the cheap hard plastic cases.....I began to toss the essentials into the cases....albums, underwear, shirts, jeans, hash pipe, guitar cords, socks......surely she would let me come back for the rest I thought...or perhaps this is a sinking ship excersize...take whats most important because it won't be here after you leave....there was scorched earth policy to my Mothers child rearing habits.......I became more careful as to what I chose to pack...
razor, shampoo, food, food!!...shit......I know...I will raid the freezer downstairs......I then began to pack roasts, steaks and frozen chickens....
There was no sounds from upstairs aside from the general noises found in any kitchen....would she cry...? Would she change her mind and recant...? .....I packed faster packing more frozen food.....
Soon the cases were full.......I put them back on the floor and took one long last look at my room.....lots of stuff left....would I ever see it again.....I did not know.....
I left the cases and went up stairs to say goodbye.......I think I was in shock......
"Well" I said..."its been fun"........hmmm..what does one say to their mom when leaving and there is no emotional attachment?...."its been fun" just seemed to fit....
"I'll come down and see you out" she said.....I had the feeling like I was a servant from Victorian times and the master of the house was coming to make sure I had not absconded with the silverware....
We stood at the entrance to my old bedroom....I was staring at the suitcases as I did not where else to focus my attention....My mother scannned the room...."hmmmmm" she said..."This will make for a great sewing room..!"
She then focused her gaze upon the hard plastic suitcases.....the larger of the 2 looked like it had been out in the rain......it had a dewy sheen to it....it was covered in condensation.....shit....the frozen meat was causing it to sweat....
"What have we here...?" she said....opening up the dew laden suitcase.....the first frozen roast....(I think it was Pork..) rolled onto the floor....it wobbled to a stop.....
She glared at me...."Why are you taking the food?"
Hmmmm...I thought this would be self evident even to her, but apparently not......I had watched several National Geographic specials with her about the great polar explorers Amundsen and Perry and they had all packed food for their journey into the unknown....
" I thought it would be ok...?" I said......
"Well you thought wrong...put them back..." with that she turned on her heel and went back upstairs....
I did as I was instructed....I replaced the frozen booty with more socks and underwear....can never have too many of those.....
I also threw in a hammer and a pair of pliers just in case....its a guy thing I guess...
I picked up the cases and went out to the Cortina...it sputterd and gasped to life....the oil light coming on as per usual and the radio brilliantly picking up crackling static and white noise....
I pulled out onto the road and headed into the city...where to go, where to go.....damn...none of my friends had places of their own and their parents certainly did not want another teenager moving in......shit....where to go, where to go....
"Aha!!...I know"...3 nights earlier I had meet a girl at the bar...I was in the band and she had spent the night standing close to the stage....I had spent the night at her apartment......I'll go there.....I thought..
I headed to where she lived.....what would I say to convince her to let me move in.....my parents had been killed in a fiery crash and grief stricken I could not bear to live in the family home......? ......my household had become infected with Ebola yet I had escaped unharmed and needed a place to stay...?
.......as I walked up to her door...I still did not have a plausible excuse for my request......It was getting dark and a chill was in the air......I knocked...
She answered the door...."Hi" she chirped in a not unpleasant way...."I was hoping you would call..."
...."Hey..." I said back...."Listen....I don't have a lot of time and there is no simple way to say this...., I have been kicked out of my house and I have no where to live....can I move in with you....?"
She squealed with delight...." Of course.." she said....."C'mon in...."....I lived with her for 3 years.......I still have the suitcases somewhere....
My Mother.....everytime I say those 2 words I cue Rodney Dangerfield in my head....oh well...my Mother...as a teenager, my mother was infamous...in fact she remains infamous...all that has changed is I am no longer a teenager...but I digress.......my Mother...she had the hairy eyeball, the evil eye ....she said the most shocking things just to let you know she was on to you......none of this really surprised me.....our family crest features an Eagle with a baby in its talons with a Latin script beneath that translates into " We eat our own".....
As I grow to be a parent myself to 2 teenage daughters I have come to understand the complex and challenging realtionships we have with our kids...I also understand I am not in the driver seat anymore...I am more like a tour guide on a runaway bus.....oh well...more on that later...
Back to the story at hand....
I was 19 years old and still living at home.....I had graduated from high school and was doing what all teenage boys do...chasing girls, working part-time and driving a shitty car......as a side note it is arguable that the 1972 Ford Cortina was perhaps the shittiest car ever made....The English make terrible cars as a rule but this was their nadir of nastiness....a piesta du la crappe..!
But I digress......shitty car aside I was a good kid...not a great kid, not a bad kid...just a kid....
It was, as I recall, a Monday afternoon......about 2 PM...I was in my basement bedroom...stereo blaring...Springsteen I suspect....my mother was upstairs and my father was at work.......I was preparing for a difficult night delivering pizzas...ok...perhaps delivering pizzas in Victoria is not a life threatening occupation but ...ok...carrying on....
A knock came upon my bedroom door.......I opened to find my mother.....2 hard plastic, red in colour, empty suitacses, 1 in each hand.....
" Time for you to go.." she said.....
"huh?".....Morning mom..." I said
Again she stated..."I said...its time for you to go....I have spoken with your father and he agrees with me..its time for you to move out...here, take these"
Silence....
I knew she was serious....when you live with a loon you come to realize that tone of voice, that look that says....don't even think about asking me to change my mind......my mother would have made a good Nazi...
My lame protestation would do no good but try I must...." When...?" I said...
"Now..." with this she turned and went back upstairs...
I picked up the empty suitacases and laid them on the bed.....I was not entirely sure what I should do......I only knew there was no way to change her mind.....
I opened the cheap hard plastic cases.....I began to toss the essentials into the cases....albums, underwear, shirts, jeans, hash pipe, guitar cords, socks......surely she would let me come back for the rest I thought...or perhaps this is a sinking ship excersize...take whats most important because it won't be here after you leave....there was scorched earth policy to my Mothers child rearing habits.......I became more careful as to what I chose to pack...
razor, shampoo, food, food!!...shit......I know...I will raid the freezer downstairs......I then began to pack roasts, steaks and frozen chickens....
There was no sounds from upstairs aside from the general noises found in any kitchen....would she cry...? Would she change her mind and recant...? .....I packed faster packing more frozen food.....
Soon the cases were full.......I put them back on the floor and took one long last look at my room.....lots of stuff left....would I ever see it again.....I did not know.....
I left the cases and went up stairs to say goodbye.......I think I was in shock......
"Well" I said..."its been fun"........hmmm..what does one say to their mom when leaving and there is no emotional attachment?...."its been fun" just seemed to fit....
"I'll come down and see you out" she said.....I had the feeling like I was a servant from Victorian times and the master of the house was coming to make sure I had not absconded with the silverware....
We stood at the entrance to my old bedroom....I was staring at the suitcases as I did not where else to focus my attention....My mother scannned the room...."hmmmmm" she said..."This will make for a great sewing room..!"
She then focused her gaze upon the hard plastic suitcases.....the larger of the 2 looked like it had been out in the rain......it had a dewy sheen to it....it was covered in condensation.....shit....the frozen meat was causing it to sweat....
"What have we here...?" she said....opening up the dew laden suitcase.....the first frozen roast....(I think it was Pork..) rolled onto the floor....it wobbled to a stop.....
She glared at me...."Why are you taking the food?"
Hmmmm...I thought this would be self evident even to her, but apparently not......I had watched several National Geographic specials with her about the great polar explorers Amundsen and Perry and they had all packed food for their journey into the unknown....
" I thought it would be ok...?" I said......
"Well you thought wrong...put them back..." with that she turned on her heel and went back upstairs....
I did as I was instructed....I replaced the frozen booty with more socks and underwear....can never have too many of those.....
I also threw in a hammer and a pair of pliers just in case....its a guy thing I guess...
I picked up the cases and went out to the Cortina...it sputterd and gasped to life....the oil light coming on as per usual and the radio brilliantly picking up crackling static and white noise....
I pulled out onto the road and headed into the city...where to go, where to go.....damn...none of my friends had places of their own and their parents certainly did not want another teenager moving in......shit....where to go, where to go....
"Aha!!...I know"...3 nights earlier I had meet a girl at the bar...I was in the band and she had spent the night standing close to the stage....I had spent the night at her apartment......I'll go there.....I thought..
I headed to where she lived.....what would I say to convince her to let me move in.....my parents had been killed in a fiery crash and grief stricken I could not bear to live in the family home......? ......my household had become infected with Ebola yet I had escaped unharmed and needed a place to stay...?
.......as I walked up to her door...I still did not have a plausible excuse for my request......It was getting dark and a chill was in the air......I knocked...
She answered the door...."Hi" she chirped in a not unpleasant way...."I was hoping you would call..."
...."Hey..." I said back...."Listen....I don't have a lot of time and there is no simple way to say this...., I have been kicked out of my house and I have no where to live....can I move in with you....?"
She squealed with delight...." Of course.." she said....."C'mon in...."....I lived with her for 3 years.......I still have the suitcases somewhere....
Divorce, Sailor Moon and other charming misadventures
I am sure there are volumes of writings done by poor unfortunate bastards who have been through the divorce from hell like I have been.....but you know...sometimes you just got to turn that frown upside down and look for the silver lining...cause every dog has his day...especially as life is just a box of chocolates.....well...you never know what you're gonna get...stupid is.. as stupid does......and all the rest of that shit...
After reams of counselling and a near death experience with the Pope...see previous musings....I am better now...much better...
And as I look back on this journey...I see the humor in all of this...
Take for instance the day I separated......The night before we had ( For all intents and purposes consider the We as a Royal We as in my ex-evil wife...not that she's ex-evil...she is still very much evil I assure you...after all...12 years is just a drop in the bucket when it comes to Catholic anger....so really..she is still evil....but she is an ex-wife...so is all of this an adjective or dangling participle...you decide..but I digress.....or..wait...a run on sentence..?)
The day we separated..was a long one......we arose early and as per usual I went and watched Sailor Moon with my 5 year old daughter.....as an aside....have you ever considered the moral message that Sailor Moon hands out.......? For an animated character whose mouth does not move...she has a great moral voice....anyways...I was watching SM with my daughter....and the ex came down and screamed at us both...
"I told you not to watch Sailor Moon...The Vatican has put Sailor Moon and all Anime on a Papal watch list as being immoral!!"... now...I am not one to throw the word immoral around like some cheap Ikea Tea candle holder....nor am I one to miss the moral message....even if it comes from inanimate animated TV cartoons....but as I was 37 years old and so not a Catholic, I new it was perfectly acceptable to venture into the dangerous moral consequences that are Anime.....and my 5 year old daughter loved the colors and the noise...so....who knew I was sinning...I ask you...
I said in reply...."Its Sailor Moon for Gods sake"..:...apparently I was wrong...God had in deed chosen Sailor Moon to not be in his sake...so I stood corrected....
`I have told you both that there is to be no Sailor Moon in this house...and I mean it...!
"Ok.......I said......`We`ll watch reruns of HR Puf n`Stuf.." .....
`No way...`she shrieked....that is about The Druids......devil worshippers!
I was confused....was it possible that The Vatican actually had a no-show policy for cartoons......how did that work..........was their a big room in The Basilica that housed dozens of flat panel TVs....where budding Bishops-in Training sat around and passed moral judgements on the likes of Sailor Moon, GI Joe, Johhny Quest...( I always suspected Hadji of being a Muslim extremist) and HR Puf n Stuf ...
I railed...as I am oft to do......."You gotta be fucking kidding me.....that's just stupid"...Ì said.....apparently...that too was the wrong thing to say....
It escalated from there and within the hour we had decided it was best if we separated ....
She asked of me...
"I don`t want the girls too see you here when we leave the house....I would like it if you could spend the day someplace else... "
This was a reasonable request I thought.......
I phoned a friend....`"Can I come over and hang.....we are having troubles and I need to get out of the house..."
Sure he said....
I spent the day at Mikes place......lost in a haze.....weird when you know something is about to happen yet the total consequences are still unknown...I know just what that feels like....I suspect it is a form of near death experience.....like walking through a poisonous snake infested jungle.....you know you stand a fair chance of being killed by some fang-addled Adder ....too far way from the nearest village and anti-venom ......the bite would undoubtedly be on ankle where the only way to suck out the venom requires so much dexterity that you need a degree as a Pilates instructor or a birthright as a Gypsy to be able to get your mouth down that far..... the day was just like that....
I wandered aimlessly....in my mind....something I am actually good at....
About 6 o'clock I felt it would be safe to go home.....safe to see if this most recent of threats had actualized.......
On the way home I stopped at the local ATM....$20 for coffee and a newspaper in the morning should do.......in went the card....errrerr......the password was entered......tic.tic.tic..tic.....withdraw $20.....hit Ok........blinking light.....Funds Not Available......please try again....(amazing that machines can be so polite when they have no fucking emotional stake in this world.....please try again...they know I am fucked..they have a camera and can tell quite clearly that earlier in the day...someone...not me...took out all the cash....but NO...in my hour of need even the fucking ATM machine is laughing at me....I could hear what it really wanted to say...."Ok...dumbfuck...you gave her the bank accounts to look after.....she's pissed off at you and taken all of the money and now you want a $20 spot from me...? Are you fucking stupid or what....?"...That EXACTLY what the ATM machine WANTED to say...but no.........all this nice this polite ATM could say is.... Funds Not Available......please try again....)
I hurled myself at the blinking ATM screen........not possible...this is the household account...I know there was 10 grand in there....
The ATM machine did not change his opinion or offer a viable solution.......someone came into the ATM room at the bank and stood behind me......patiently waiting as I stared the machine down........
I looked up at the stranger and scoffed at him..."I had cash in here...I know I do....must be the wrong PIN Number..." I then walked out and got back into the car....
The short drive to the house was draped in a fog of feeling foolish........
I pulled into the driveway......
First impression was...why are all of the drapes opened........as I got closer...it hit me...the drapes are gone..........Oh no...worse than I could imagine...
I opened the door...the noise of the my footsteps echoing off of the bare hardwood floors....I sucked in a gasp.......the rugs are gone....
My eyes adjusted to the glare from the newly bare walls......shit...the paintings are gone......
I wandered into the kitchen......there on the table was 2 plates, 2 mugs, 2 spoons, 2 forks, 2 knives and 2 bowls.......I looked for the symbolism.......there was none to be found.....
I wandered aimlessly through the house....a bed was gone here....a table there....a closet was emptied in that room...the bedding taken from every bed....oh look...a lighting fixture missing......
There on the barren mattress was a crisply folded piece of paper....a letter..
"John.....I haven taken everything....including the girls.....Don't call...don't try and come to my parents...you are not welcome......."
Well.....I may not be The Master of the Obvious but even I could see the situation was dire....
The cold and barren walls of the empty house closed in and around me......
As I sat in front of the blank TV looking for the remote....(yes it was gone as well).....I thought that a night of sleep..no matter how fitful it may prove to be...would make life a little brighter.....
I slept...sort of....
I awoke to the early 4:30 a.m. dawn....July is so damn sunny in the Northern Hemisphere.......I crawled to the bathroom...splashed water on my face....dried it off with a paper towel ......I stepped into the shower stall.....groped for the shower knob........turned it on......"Fuckkkkkk....a stream as steady as a garden hose at full force rained down on me.......I looked up at the shower head......it was gone...the Waterpic Shower head massage with dial in pulsating shower stream was gone....she had taking the fucking shower head..........The day would not get any better.......
After reams of counselling and a near death experience with the Pope...see previous musings....I am better now...much better...
And as I look back on this journey...I see the humor in all of this...
Take for instance the day I separated......The night before we had ( For all intents and purposes consider the We as a Royal We as in my ex-evil wife...not that she's ex-evil...she is still very much evil I assure you...after all...12 years is just a drop in the bucket when it comes to Catholic anger....so really..she is still evil....but she is an ex-wife...so is all of this an adjective or dangling participle...you decide..but I digress.....or..wait...a run on sentence..?)
The day we separated..was a long one......we arose early and as per usual I went and watched Sailor Moon with my 5 year old daughter.....as an aside....have you ever considered the moral message that Sailor Moon hands out.......? For an animated character whose mouth does not move...she has a great moral voice....anyways...I was watching SM with my daughter....and the ex came down and screamed at us both...
"I told you not to watch Sailor Moon...The Vatican has put Sailor Moon and all Anime on a Papal watch list as being immoral!!"... now...I am not one to throw the word immoral around like some cheap Ikea Tea candle holder....nor am I one to miss the moral message....even if it comes from inanimate animated TV cartoons....but as I was 37 years old and so not a Catholic, I new it was perfectly acceptable to venture into the dangerous moral consequences that are Anime.....and my 5 year old daughter loved the colors and the noise...so....who knew I was sinning...I ask you...
I said in reply...."Its Sailor Moon for Gods sake"..:...apparently I was wrong...God had in deed chosen Sailor Moon to not be in his sake...so I stood corrected....
`I have told you both that there is to be no Sailor Moon in this house...and I mean it...!
"Ok.......I said......`We`ll watch reruns of HR Puf n`Stuf.." .....
`No way...`she shrieked....that is about The Druids......devil worshippers!
I was confused....was it possible that The Vatican actually had a no-show policy for cartoons......how did that work..........was their a big room in The Basilica that housed dozens of flat panel TVs....where budding Bishops-in Training sat around and passed moral judgements on the likes of Sailor Moon, GI Joe, Johhny Quest...( I always suspected Hadji of being a Muslim extremist) and HR Puf n Stuf ...
I railed...as I am oft to do......."You gotta be fucking kidding me.....that's just stupid"...Ì said.....apparently...that too was the wrong thing to say....
It escalated from there and within the hour we had decided it was best if we separated ....
She asked of me...
"I don`t want the girls too see you here when we leave the house....I would like it if you could spend the day someplace else... "
This was a reasonable request I thought.......
I phoned a friend....`"Can I come over and hang.....we are having troubles and I need to get out of the house..."
Sure he said....
I spent the day at Mikes place......lost in a haze.....weird when you know something is about to happen yet the total consequences are still unknown...I know just what that feels like....I suspect it is a form of near death experience.....like walking through a poisonous snake infested jungle.....you know you stand a fair chance of being killed by some fang-addled Adder ....too far way from the nearest village and anti-venom ......the bite would undoubtedly be on ankle where the only way to suck out the venom requires so much dexterity that you need a degree as a Pilates instructor or a birthright as a Gypsy to be able to get your mouth down that far..... the day was just like that....
I wandered aimlessly....in my mind....something I am actually good at....
About 6 o'clock I felt it would be safe to go home.....safe to see if this most recent of threats had actualized.......
On the way home I stopped at the local ATM....$20 for coffee and a newspaper in the morning should do.......in went the card....errrerr......the password was entered......tic.tic.tic..tic.....withdraw $20.....hit Ok........blinking light.....Funds Not Available......please try again....(amazing that machines can be so polite when they have no fucking emotional stake in this world.....please try again...they know I am fucked..they have a camera and can tell quite clearly that earlier in the day...someone...not me...took out all the cash....but NO...in my hour of need even the fucking ATM machine is laughing at me....I could hear what it really wanted to say...."Ok...dumbfuck...you gave her the bank accounts to look after.....she's pissed off at you and taken all of the money and now you want a $20 spot from me...? Are you fucking stupid or what....?"...That EXACTLY what the ATM machine WANTED to say...but no.........all this nice this polite ATM could say is.... Funds Not Available......please try again....)
I hurled myself at the blinking ATM screen........not possible...this is the household account...I know there was 10 grand in there....
The ATM machine did not change his opinion or offer a viable solution.......someone came into the ATM room at the bank and stood behind me......patiently waiting as I stared the machine down........
I looked up at the stranger and scoffed at him..."I had cash in here...I know I do....must be the wrong PIN Number..." I then walked out and got back into the car....
The short drive to the house was draped in a fog of feeling foolish........
I pulled into the driveway......
First impression was...why are all of the drapes opened........as I got closer...it hit me...the drapes are gone..........Oh no...worse than I could imagine...
I opened the door...the noise of the my footsteps echoing off of the bare hardwood floors....I sucked in a gasp.......the rugs are gone....
My eyes adjusted to the glare from the newly bare walls......shit...the paintings are gone......
I wandered into the kitchen......there on the table was 2 plates, 2 mugs, 2 spoons, 2 forks, 2 knives and 2 bowls.......I looked for the symbolism.......there was none to be found.....
I wandered aimlessly through the house....a bed was gone here....a table there....a closet was emptied in that room...the bedding taken from every bed....oh look...a lighting fixture missing......
There on the barren mattress was a crisply folded piece of paper....a letter..
"John.....I haven taken everything....including the girls.....Don't call...don't try and come to my parents...you are not welcome......."
Well.....I may not be The Master of the Obvious but even I could see the situation was dire....
The cold and barren walls of the empty house closed in and around me......
As I sat in front of the blank TV looking for the remote....(yes it was gone as well).....I thought that a night of sleep..no matter how fitful it may prove to be...would make life a little brighter.....
I slept...sort of....
I awoke to the early 4:30 a.m. dawn....July is so damn sunny in the Northern Hemisphere.......I crawled to the bathroom...splashed water on my face....dried it off with a paper towel ......I stepped into the shower stall.....groped for the shower knob........turned it on......"Fuckkkkkk....a stream as steady as a garden hose at full force rained down on me.......I looked up at the shower head......it was gone...the Waterpic Shower head massage with dial in pulsating shower stream was gone....she had taking the fucking shower head..........The day would not get any better.......
The Mackinaw Angel and Dead Horses
Young men always feel they are invincible...what is it that causes us to take on herculean tasks such as logging ,mountain climbing...or camping....all at the risk of life and limb....?
During those all too brief years between the end of high school and the actual adoption by us that we have some shape or form of responsibility to our lives young men take on the dangerous ventures....some ski from great heights, others skateboard without a helmet....I went camping with Victor.......
Victor was and may still be one of my best friends....Victor is many things....musically brilliant, very funny but one thing Victor is not ..is an outdoorsman......so why I went on the largest camping trip of my life with him is a mystery yet to be solved.......
It was 1979....I was working and Victor was attending University.....in a year or less we knew that Victor was to leave for new horizons....attending school in the U.S.....while I knew I would move to Vancouver...both of us escaping the curse of the same small town we both grew up in......
I had my very first car.....it was a 1968 Jeep Jeepster...wish I still had it...it is a CJ5 type of Jeep with some cool differences..........it was about 5 feet longer, had solid doors with roll down window and a spring loaded convertible top that made it look more like a WW2 German Generals Staff car than you run of the mill jeep.....
We had decided that we would take the jeep and head off to the mountains....for a number of adventurer reasons we decided on going to the Elk River Valley....a remote valley in the southern Canadian Rockies...it is a valley that runs North South nearly from the US border to Banff......with the exception of one mall mining town, Elkford, there are no settlements for hundreds of miles.....just the odd Grizzly bear, lots of trout and untamed wilderness......for whatever reasons made sense at the time...this was where Victor and I were to head to...
Before leaving I thought it a good idea to get the jeep in its best shape for the long drive....gas cans lashed to the side of the jeep, an oil change and a new roll bar installed.......Supplies were purchased.....a cooler, Coleman lamp, wicks, matches, kerosene, string, a knife and a 40 gallon vat of Hormel Chili....
We left on an early Fall day....striking out on the road...our first nights goal was to reach Grand Forks....a small mountain town well on the way to Elk Valley.......late at night we pulled into the campsite........we unloaded the jeep and pitched the tent......the air had a chill and a distinct smell of recent light rains........we decided we needed to make a campfire....
One of the greatest challenges that man encounters is how to make a decent campfire......really the whole business about being a business tycoon or a sports hero is over shadowed by the challenge of making a decent campfire....wet wood, real matches, crappy damp newspaper and kindling that is too chunky are all major obstacles to making a good fire....and without fire....well...we would never have made it this far....extinction was and probably still is a distinct threat.....
So after 2 or 3 boxes of wood matches being snuffed out before catching fire to any of the dampened, oily feeling newspaper we had our first aha moment.......
The Kerosene...!....the campfire was set up in a small clearing.....perfect to really get a fire going.....I opened the gallon jug of Kerosene...pouring it over the damp wood and newspaper....splash...splash....there that ought to do it...."No...man.....pour more on it...I freezing and I want a big fire....here let me pour some on it....." Victor said....
"Ok......here.." I passed the remains of the Kerosene to him....glup, glup glup the Kerosene slurped out of the hole at the top of the can......
"Ok.....here goes nothing..." I struck the strike anywhere match to striker pad......csshtt, csshtt....the match struck and then flamed to life....I dropped it onto the stacked firewood....
Whooosh.........the entire campsite was immediately bathed in a burning Blue flame.......the first 12 inches above the ground for as far as we could see was a pond flambeau.....and we were right in the middle of it.....
We both stood gob smacked....not moving as we watched the flame slowly move in from the outer edges of the campsite, withdrawing into the fire pit........the fire going out......still the campfire was silent......and unlit....
We looked at each other....." Lets just get in the sleeping bags....we will warm up"...I said......we nodded in agreement......and silently crawled into the tent....both wondering just how close we had come to being bar b qued......
The next morning...the sun was out....ahh...stand.....make a coffee...a new day.....the promise of more adventure ahead of us and just around the bend...the previous nights fire episode a distant memory.....
In quick time we loaded up the jeep and headed out the 60 remaining mile to Elkford...the last stop on the road before getting into the Elk Valley.......we passed through the bucolic little mining town and headed out on the back roads.......the goal...poorly defined...was to try and drive the entire valley length to Banff...a 200 mile journey through pristine wilderness......towering mountains to either side of us and the Elk River running along our right hand should we drove along the many meandering logging and forestry roads......the gravel of the road crunching and spitting out from beneath the tires as we drove....the top down...the sun warm.....a glorious day......
We spotted a crossroad up ahead...a tarmac road amongst the many gravel ones.....ahh...the one paved road leading up to Fording Coal...the open pit mine.....
I stopped the jeep just as we got onto the new road......getting out of the jeep I pulled out the topographical map we bought from lands and forest and laid it across the hood of the jeep....Victor stayed in the passenger seat, buckled up for safety........looking at the map and determining that I had no fucking idea what any of it meant I decided I should get back into the jeep and drive on....the road ahead almost always being of more interest than the road already travelled........I got in the jeep....rolled down the drivers side window, turned the key...the motor roared too like, turned the wheel to pull away from the gravel side of the road........the passenger side back wheel caught itself on the soft shoulder....immediately the jeeps rear end swung and slid down the slope of the soft should...........reflexively I went to pound on the brakes but in my confusion I hit the gas pedal......the jeep lurch forward, the engine racing....the impetus of the acceleration further shoved the rear of the jeep down into the ditch....the drivers side right from wheel start to lift off of the ground....the rear wheel grabbing into the dirt side of the ditch further pulling it onto its side.......without really knowing what was happening and why...the whole of the jeep started to lift off the ground and fall into a full rollover.......as the jeep went past the fulcrum of balance I felt my unbelted body lift from my drivers seat.....a micro second later I saw my body defy gravity all the while gripping the wheel as if that might hold me down......I then felt a crushing pain in my upper left side thigh....a burning, broken feeling in my upper thigh.......I was then in flight.....I hit the ground on my back....I was looking up at the sky and watching as the jeep continued its roll.....rolling over.......I was thrown at an angle to the jeep....my body thrust against the ditches side....I watched and realized that jeep was going to crush me....its windshield looking like it might crush my left side while the newly appointed roll bar would crush my right....the top of the drivers side door...aiming to neatly sever my thorax in two.........it all moved slowly.......as the windshield came down on my left and the roll bar on my right side I involuntarily squeezed my shoulders together....hoping they would pass me on both sides of my body......I raised my hands in front of my face....I thought I would be able to push back on the top of the drivers door repelling the 3000 lbs of jeep as it rolled onto me .........it was coming down on my chest........in the back of my mind I could hear the sound of camping gear and spinning tires, a racing motor and a frightened Victor.....was this to be the soundtrack of my demise....
The jeep....it kept coming.....I held out my hands.......the jeeps door was with a foot of my chest, then 10 inches, 8 inches....and then it stopped.............it rocked....slowly....and settled into its topside.........silence....save the spinning tires....and a screaming Victor......
Now I am not one to believe in divine intervention....but if there ever was divine intervention on my behalf...this may have been it....perhaps it was just the way it rolls...so to speak......
All I could feel was my breath as I took a large gulp of air...fully exhaling out......and a searing pain in my upper thigh.....reminding me that there would be price to pay for this folly....
"Are you ok...?" I heard this voice....it was coming from Victor......he was belt buckled into his now upside down passenger seat........he was dangling in the air....a would be victim of gravity had he not had the seat belt........."Victor....fuck...I think I have broken my leg......are you ok.....?"
"I'm fine...what happened...? I am stuck.....let me get down and help you..."...without thinking Victor unbuckled his seat belt...this immediately let go Victor from his skyperch and dropped him unceremoniously into the ditch......
He scrambled out from under the jeep and came and squatted on the ground next to where I lay....."You ok....".....
"Victor...I am in real pain...I think I've broken my thigh bone....it hurts like hell..."....
"Shit......"He said...":What the hell are we going to do....we're in the middle of nowhere and in a mess..."
"I don't know Victor....I really don't..."
Just as I said that....we heard it........"What's that..?"....."A Truck..?".....no sooner had we found ourselves in the deepest hole did we see that there would soon be a hand to help us out of it.....
From the odd perspective of where I lay I say the lugged tires pull to a stop....Victors shoes and feet go to the drivers side of the truck....a pair of work boots hit the ground....muffled voices....the work boots running towards me.....stopping ......the legs bending down as he squatted next to me......"You ok..?"....
"Ah...no....I think I need an ambulance..."....
"Don't worry I have a CB radio....let me call the mine and get them to send an ambulance down....."
A Mackinaw Angel I mused.......
Over the next 20-30 minutes we waited....me still laying against the side of the ditch.....watching in pain as my upper legged started to balloon.....
I could hear and see the lower part of the bodies of Victor and the Mackinaw Angel as they circled the overturned Jeep assessing the damage.......
"What the hell is all this red stuff...is it blood...you sure you're not bleeding...." The work boots asked Victor.....
"Hmmm..I think its the Chili" Victor said.....
More damage was surveyed and assessed.....a blown out front windshield, torn off convertible top, Styrofoam cooler bits flying around and flut flutting in the breeze........it was not a pretty sight...at least not from where I stood...or lay as it were....
I could hear it before I could see it...an ambulances siren....straight from the soundtrack of Broderick Crawford’s Highway Patrol.......
It pulled alongside the overturned jeep..it motor and its siren sighing into silence......
Another pair of work boots to watch....cleaner ones...not nearly as scuffed as the Mackinaw Angels but work boots nonetheless.....
"You ok...?"........Apparently I did not look like a person who looked well.....I went along with the script......
"I think I broke my leg...."
"We'll get you fixed up.......Hey.....can you give me a hand....we need to get him on a stretcher and into the ambulance......" The other work boots moved around to help the ambulance driver.......each one of them grabbing a shoulder of mine they pulled me from the ditch and onto the road.......my leg felt like it would explode.....
Once I was on the warm asphalt of the road I could see the faces of the Mackinaw Angel and the ambulance driver.....both framed by the blue blue sky of the mountain air......both men older than me......both faces drawn with lines which betrayed a life lived a harder than most.......they were calm....I thought that perhaps this must be a not uncommon occurrence in their lives.......
"Ok......we're going to lift you up and onto the stretcher....you up for that...?"..before I could think or answer I was bodily lifted and plunked onto the gurney.......
"Ok.......well......we need to get you to the hospital...nearest one is in Sparwood...that's about 50 miles away........your friend (Victor) will need to stay here with the jeep and wait for the tow truck........
"Victor....Victor.....I will meet you back in Elkford when I am out of the hospital.......wait for me at the Elkford Esso station.....ok..?"
The door to the back of the ambulance closed shut....I looked out the back window at Victor......as I did...he looked down to the ground....hmmm...I must have dropped something...he bent down to pick it up......just as he disappeared beneath the horizon of the back window....I heard the ambulance engine turn over...put into gear and immediately back up......Shit...I thought....I wonder if they hit Victor...
"Hey" I screamed....." You've run over Victor...!"
The ambulance hit the brakes and lurched to a stop......I could hear the ambulance driver jump from the cab and run to the back....I saw his upper torso and head for a moment and then watched as he ducked down beneath the rear window......
I could hear Victor yell..."You nearly ran me over.....the bumper crunched into my shoulder .....what the hell are you doing...?"
"Sorry son..." I heard a voice say......."You ok...?"
Victor pulled himself up and dusted himself off....the ambulance driver stood beside him..........a quiet pantomime watched through the closed door of the ambulance...a few words exchanged....a hand on Victors shoulder.....a voiceless apology and an equally voiceless acceptance....the driver then moved back to the cab...the engine turned over and we began the long bumpy journey to Sparwood and the hospital....
After a couple of hours of travel we pulled into the small mountain town of Sparwood....the door to the ambulance opened and two strong orderlies opened the door and rolled out the stretcher ......
I was lifted from the stretcher and plunked into a wheelchair.......questions were asked.......doctors and nurses prodded and poked....I was x-rayed and prodded.....poked and patched up........
I had destroyed the upper muscle in my left thigh...not broken the leg....
After a few hours I was released from the hospital....out the door with a handful of codeine pills and a pair of rented crutches..
A couple who were at the hospital saw that I was not in the best of shape....I had a ballooning thigh...crutches, hair and clothes, dirty and disheveled...I was...a sight...
They offered me a ride back up the valley to Elkford where I would hook up with Victor....
Amazingly....with all of this already haven taken place it was still early in the day......just past noon I was dropped off at the local Esso station in Elkford...its only service station.......
I asked the gas jockey if he knew anything about Victor, the jeep and their whereabouts....he said the tow truck had been dispatched a couple of hours ago to retrieve Victor and the jeep from the wilds......there was not much I could do.....so.....I waited.....whacked out on Codeine, rattled by the days events....I found a chair to sit on next to the Coke machine just to the side of the service station....I waited some more
After an hour or two...the pain in my leg was becoming unbearable.....I downed a couple of more Codeines washing them down with an ice cold Coke.....and waited some more....
Just as I was considering my third handful of codeine pills I heard a noise coming from the road leading out from the mountains.....a rattling and throttling sound......the sound of an unmuffled engine........out of the woods roared the jeep.......a White streak of jeep...it was lashed with red meaty streaks of Chili Con Carne.......the windshield shattered but still in its place......several large dents in the hood and the fenders...the convertible roof hanging off the side by a mere thread.........Victor.....gripping the wheel of the jeep like a rodeo rider grips the rope of a runaway Mustang......yeehaw...
The jeep with Victor in it came to a screeching sluggish halt in front of the gas station........little children and old people who had been milling around dropped what they were doing and came to view this chili encrusted moveable near-death experience.......
"Victor....Victor....are you ok..?
"Well" he said..." My shoulder really hurts where the ambulance hit it...but other than that.....I think I am ok......."
"So....Victor......I want to go home...you..?"
"Yeah...let’s get out of here " he said....
We looked over the jeep......from stem to stern there were large lashes of chili con carne smeared....it was as if we had flown through a flock of gulls who had recently feed on a hundred pounds of meal worms all of which had exploded they were struck by the jeep......
The front windshield hung from its rubber seal and metal frame like some severed spider web hangs from a fencepost.........dents festooned the overall body of the jeep.......
" Ok...lets kick the windshield out and get going....its 2 PM and if we are lucky we can be in Vancouver or at least Chilliwack by midnight.....".......Lucky being the operative of course....
As I was crippled and could barely stand let alone walk or kick out windshields I was unable to help so I commanded...I am sure Victor was happy about this turn of events...
"Just get up on the hood of the jeep and yard out the glass...its safety glass, so it will just pop out...." I , of course had no idea what I was talking about....but, up Victor climbed....adjusting his thick prescription glasses so they rode more firmly on his nose.....
" Just take this towel and grab the edge of the rubber seal and pull....just pull hard....yeah...that's it........pull....".....and with a mighty heave the shattered glass and its seal all landed on the hood of the truck...Victor then kicked it off and onto the ground......
"Ok....Victor....open up the hood so we can see if we have any oil or brake fluid left in it......"...Upon opening the hood the scene that greeted us was an environmental disaster second only to the later Exxon Valdez disaster.....
Oil of all sorts coated everything everywhere...motor oil, brake fluid, windshield fluid, radiator fluid and automatic transmission fluid covered both the inside of the hood .....collected there during the 3 hours spent on its roof.....oils covered the engine itself...splashed there as a result of the rollover and the recent road trip out of the bush........smoke was swirling out from the engine compartment......
"Ok.......looks like we need motor oil, brake fluid, water and coolant......Victor....you gotta go get it..."
"Why don't you get it...?"....
"Victor...I can't fucking walk.....let alone carry cans of oil...!"....
Victor walked over to the gas station and picked up an armload of varying oils and fluids......
"Ok....Lets pour some oil in here......brake fluid in this one.....some water in here........Shit we really should bleed the brakes..."
"What?" Victor said....
"Well brakes can get air in the lines and not work very well...they get spongy......you're going to need to get under the jeep and go to the bleeder valve which is just on the inside of the drum..."
Stunned silence........I had momentarily forgotten that Victor was a professional musician and had no mechanical DNA whatsoever..... "Ok.." I said...."we'll just put the fluids in......"
For an hour or so we poured fluids and attempted to clean up the jeep......finally we were ready to hit the road again..........
"Victor....you're going to have to drive...I can't"...by this time my leg has swollen to nearly double its size......so large in fact that I had to take off my jeans and go in just my underwear.....I climbed into the passenger seat......tennis shoes on...no pants, underwear only, wearing a ski jacket and clutching my crutches......
Victor hopped into the driver’s seat...brushing aside the shards of broken glass and chunks of chili.....
The engine roared to life.......not quite sounding as it normally would...there was a throaty chortle coming from beneath the hood....Victor gave me an inquiring glance....
"Don't worry about it...Lets get outta here.."
We headed out.......within about 2 minutes we realized we had a significant problem.......without the windshield we were face forward into the elements....bugs were hitting us in the face and upper body .....I looked at Victor...he had an Acne of insects splattered across his face.....
"Shit...this won't work .......what the hell can we do...?" He yelled......
"Hmmm....I don't know....we have about an hour drive until we get back to Sparwood...there must be something there to help...." I yelled back...now realizing that without the windshield and travelling at 40 m.p.h. that driving the jeep had become a very noisy proposition...
For the next hour we dodged bugs and birds and sat facing the oncoming rush of the wind, all the time trying to balance a reasonable highway speed with our interests in not being blown apart......
We pulled into Sparwood.......a small logging town....not much in the way of stores......."Hey.." Victor hollered..."there's a motorcycle shop......maybe they've got something...!?"
Perfect I thought.....motorcycle goggles will do the trick....perfect replacement for the missing windshield....
We entered the store.....several pair of eyes watched us with disbelief......I looked over at Victor to see what they were in shock about......Victor had several splatted bugs on his face....his hair had the appearance of a skydivers........
We browsed the goggles, trying them on and laughed.....I picked out a pair of motorcycle goggles while Victor chose a full moto-cross face mask ......he looked like a maniacal cross between a Hockey goalie and a horror film icon....
Donning our new face protection we climbed back into the jeep and got underway.
For the next couple of hours we sailed along with nary a care......except the odd family passing us on the highway who stared in utter disbelief.......we waved and smiled at them when they passed....invariably they sped away with the Mom silently mouthing to her kids..."Look away kids...don't look at the crazies.."
We were about 15 miles outside of Yahk B.C. when the engine went silent.........we glided alongside a deserted stretch of highway.....gravel grinding as we rolled to a stop.....
Stunned silence between us....."So....what do you think it is...?" I asked......not really expecting an answer from Victor......
For the next 20 or so minutes we stood in stunned silence....watching the odd car go by.....watching our lives almost flash before our eyes......we were 10 miles from the nearest hamlet which meant we were in the proverbial middle of nowhere....jus when we were about to contemplate our next move a gigantic Biscayne pulled alongside of us...the passenger window rolling down and the driver asking us if he could be of assistance.... "I'm a mechanic" he said...
Just as we were going down for the last time we had a life ring tossed our way.....a mechanic...! We'll get out of this scrape yet.....
The mechanic got out of the big Biscayne and walked towards the jeep......."Listen..." he said...."I am on my way to Spokane for the weekend and I don't really want to get dirty or go under the jeep to have a look but what I will do is help you boys fix the problem.....that work for you..?"
"Sure" I said......" Victor you ok on that....? ...I can't move or get under the jeep so you'll have to do the work, but this guy sounds like he knows what to do...you up for it...?"
Victor, looking less than sure muttered..." I have no clue what to do...".....
"I know Victor, I know....but we have no choice.......you have to do this..."....Now I have always been good at convincing people to do things they don't want to do or are even marginally qualified to do but by convincing Victor that he could fix a mechanical problem is akin to asking The Pope to become a Jew.....not a good or likely idea.....
"Well.." says the mechanic..." My guess is its the starter that won't work so what we need to do is run a cable from the battery terminals down and under the jeep and turn over the starter by placing the live cable onto the starters terminal posts...at the same time turn the generator over by hand....that should do it..!...."
" You got that Victor...?" I asked....Victor wordlessly climbing under the jeep with the cable in his hand......."Victor its simple....just get under the jeep, take this cable with you and you see the starter there...yeah...the thingamajig that looks line a blender on its side attached to the back of the flywheel.....? No...that's the muffler......higher....reach up, yup to your left, my right...uh huh...yup...ok...just about there...."
ZZzzDddzZZzZ..... There was unmistakable hum of a massive electrical charge being emitted followed by a 4th of July sized shower of sparks....followed by a definite swear word and a scream.....I thought for a second I was hanging out with Nicholas Tesla...
"Ow...shit, ow.....ow..." Victor rolled out from under the jeep holding his forehead; blood oozing from between his fingers, his glasses shattered leaving only the steel rims and a chunk or two of thick lenses still in place...the jumper cable writhing on the ground like some fitzing spitting serpent......
"Did you get it ..?" I asked....
"No....I did not get it....I nearly killed myself....you kidding I have no idea how to do this.....I almost caught on fire...!!!"
The mechanic looked on in utter horror.....I am sure he had never come across any 2 people so mechanically inept as we were that day.....
"So..." he says..." Wow...look at the time....I got to get going......really...I wish I could stay and help...but you know...the border station closes in an hour so.....good luck with this..." and with that he turned, got back into the Biscayne behemoth and sped away, spitting gravel back and up at us.......
"Now what...? " I lamented.......silence to that question....I really did not expect anything else.....
Another 30 or so minutes passed and a large passenger bus pulled onto the gravel about 300 feet ahead.......slowing to a stop.
"Victor...I think they are gonna help....can you go talk to them...?"...Victor, still playing with the shattered remains of his glasses squinted at me and said sure.....off he went to the bus....5 minutes later a hurried and rather excited Victor came back to me and the jeep...
"It’s a busload of women and they are going take me to the next town, I’ll go and call a tow truck..."
Not so fast I thought......a busload of women...? There must be some redemption to this day...." I don't think so Victor...I am going..."
"What!" he exclaimed..." I am going......."
"Victor"....as I held up 3 fingers in front of his face I said...."Victor...how many fingers am I holding up..?"
"5" he said.....
"Sorry Victor.....3....how the hell are you going to read a phone book or dial a phone....you can't even see how many fingers I am holding..."
The logic of my argument was unassailable........so...I hobbled towards the busload of women and a trip to find help......
Now....I can say with some assuredness that I am ok looking...not hideous, not handsome...but good looking enough to get the odd girl or 2.....so as I crutched my way to the bus I was not really thinking about just how I truly looked at the moment....It had been a long day by that time.......I forgot that I had many bugs in my hair and teeth, I wore my motocross mask atop my head in a rather jaunty fashion and my jeans were pulled up but the zipper and fly unable to be done up due to the swelling......I was thinking......a busload of women........
I got to the bus door and hopped up the small flight of stairs to the cabin.......it was dark inside the bus ........a women’s voice said...."Here, sit down next to me....you poor thing...."
Ahhh...a comforting voice, a helping hand.....a busload of women.......I sat down...my eyes becoming accustomed to the dark....the women's voice next to me said..."What can we do to help....?"
Finally, my eyes could see the entire cabin of the bus...it was loaded not with women...but with early teenaged kids and a few parental chaperones.......I was looking at them wondering how Victor got a busload of women out of this tableau and undoubtedly they were looking at me wondering if I was on "America's Most Wanted"....
I spoke..." I...I...I need a ride to the next town to get a tow truck...."
The women next to me positively beamed..." We would love to do our good deed for the day......praise be to God..."
Now I am not a believer nor a non-believer...I figure I have until the very last breath of my life to figure this part of my belief system out and make my call at that time....so anytime I meet someone holier than thou or totally convinced that there is no God I get nervous.......the whole God thing is just best left up to someone else.......
"Yes....well...thanks..." I said..
For the next half an hour or so the bus rolled on down the highway....the women next to me told me their story...
"Well, we have just visited the Temple in Cardston Alberta......have you ever been...it is just glorious...a true house of the Saints...."
Cardston I thought, Cardston Alberta, what does that mean.....I wracked my brain trying to remember my grade 11 socials...Cardston....! damn....Mormons!...I am on a bus with a bunch of Mormons...!
"Yes...well...yes..." I said.........The kids threw candy wrappers at me from their seats.....
" Do you believe in the Lord...? She asked....
"Not after the day I have had..." I said.......this met with a stony silence.....
Finally we drove into Yahk....now to say Yahk is small is well...an understatement.....
The Mormons dropped me at the roadside........in front of an old Motel 6 undergoing a renovation.......a Motel 5 at best I thought....
Hobbling to the door of the office I opened it up to be hit with the distinct smell of high grade weed.....2 longhairs sat at the desk smoking a joint.......before I could say a word they looked at me and started laughing hysterically......
"Ahem.........I seem to have broken down about 20 miles back and wondered if I could use your phone to call a tow truck...." They were still in stitches and unable to speak.....
"Excuse me.....I am broken...."
One of them spoke up cutting me off in mid sentence......." Have you looked in a mirror lately..?" They continued to laugh.....
"No....I haven't..." I said...the mirror being the least of my concerns......
"Well....you look like shit" the other one said......"Here you go....use our payphone......" they continued to look at in wonderment me as if I was the best thing they had seen all day.....
I looked up the towing company.....I was about 20 miles away in Creston.........it was nearing dusk and Victor had been left alone in the jeep out in the wilderness for the past hour or so......I dialed..
Brrring,,, Brrrinng,,,"Creston Towing..."
"Yeah...hey.....I am in Yahk and my jeep is broken down about 20 miles away.......I need to get a tow....can you send a truck...?"
" Yes...we can....but we're very busy right now so it will be at least 2 hours......."
"Oh dear....is there another tow truck company I can call...?" I asked...
"Nope...we're it....see you in 2 hours..." click....
For the next 2 hours I chatted with the heads and waited.....and waited.......the utter darkness of a night in the mountains closed in and around me...
I called to tow truck again...." I am still here....you coming..."
"Yup...we've just been really busy...we should be about an hour or so..."
It was now night...night in the mountains without a moon...night with nothing but a billion stars all around.......night....and Victor out in its midst......
About an hour or so later I heard it before I could see it........the low rumble of a diesel truck in the distance.........a moment later the beams of the tow trucks flashing amber light piercing the darkness............. the truck turned the corner and started to pull into the darkened motel.....I was saved....but...something was ...wrong...
The tow truck had its winch out and the large sling deployed.......dangling a foot off the ground hanging in the tow trucks sling was a dead horse......
"You call for a tow truck...?" the driver said....
Just as plain as day the driver asked me if I had called for a tow truck....saying absolutely nothing about the 1000 lbs of dead horse hanging off the back of his truck....like this was just an everyday occurrence....
" You got a dead horse there.." I said..."master of the obvious" I thought to myself......
"Oh yeah...that..well when I was heading up here I came across a car accident..it had hit a horse on the highway...I already got the car taken care of but I needed to get rid of the horse so I thought I'd take him home first....feed the dogs with it...hop in.....we'll drop it off and then go get your vehicle..."
I went around the front to the truck to get into the passenger side....
"What kind of horse was it..?" trying to make conversation....
" A dead one...." he chuckled.....I got the distinct impression the driver thought that coming upon a dead horse on the highway was a bit of perk of the job.......
We chugged down the highway...the dead horse swaying in the back gently rocking the tow truck...
We pulled off the road and into the drivers homestead.......he pulled into the front yard and stopped...."I just gotta drop off the horse" he says...
"Ok...don't let me stop you", trying to make a joke.......
After dropping off Seabiscuit in the front yard and cinching down the towing paraphernalia the driver got back in..."Ok...lets go get that jeep of yours..."
By this time Victor had been alone in the wilderness for a good 4 hours...no food, no water, no light,...just sitting at the side of a lonely stretch of road in the middle of the mountains....
The truck rumbled on.....
In the distance the flashing lights of the tow truck picked up a reflection.....there...there it was again....the jeep...the lights picking up the reflection from the broken side mirrors....and there's Victor......
We pulled up to the jeep......the floodlights of the tow truck bathing the scene in white light......
There sat Victor...his arms cradled in front of his body....his mouth chewing something....his eyeglasses casting weird shadows on his face......
I looked closer......
"Victor....sorry man...you ok...?".....
Perched on the top of the driver’s seat, presumably to be as far away from any roving bands of wolverines and then choking down on whatever he was eating Victor spoke up.....
"Where have you been...I have been here all night....!"
Not bothering to explain the last 4 hours I asked..."What are you eating...?"
"Well...people stopped every so often to see if I was ok....some of them gave me food and stuff to drink......"
Even though it had been a very long day and I was tired.... something about Victor seemed off...I thought perhaps my eyes were playing tricks on me in this oddly lit tableau......but then again....I looked at his glasses...they were definitely wrong....
"What the hell is that on your glasses? I asked...
"Well" he said......." I had nothing to do so I collected up the broken pieces from the lenses and put them back into the frames...I then took the shoelaces from my Chucks and tied them around the frames to hold the glass in place...it works not too bad...."
Good God I thought...it was true...his wire framed glasses had broken optical lenses in them held together with black running shoe laces........
"Victor"......I said...."It’s been a long, long day....shall we go home....?"
Without a word and only needing a nod of agreement we both said yes....and with that the jeep was put onto the tow truck......we both climbed into the cab and we headed for Creston.........about an hour or so passed as we sat in silence.....I wanted to tell Victor about the horse, I am sure he wanted to tell me about the Wolverines.....
During those all too brief years between the end of high school and the actual adoption by us that we have some shape or form of responsibility to our lives young men take on the dangerous ventures....some ski from great heights, others skateboard without a helmet....I went camping with Victor.......
Victor was and may still be one of my best friends....Victor is many things....musically brilliant, very funny but one thing Victor is not ..is an outdoorsman......so why I went on the largest camping trip of my life with him is a mystery yet to be solved.......
It was 1979....I was working and Victor was attending University.....in a year or less we knew that Victor was to leave for new horizons....attending school in the U.S.....while I knew I would move to Vancouver...both of us escaping the curse of the same small town we both grew up in......
I had my very first car.....it was a 1968 Jeep Jeepster...wish I still had it...it is a CJ5 type of Jeep with some cool differences..........it was about 5 feet longer, had solid doors with roll down window and a spring loaded convertible top that made it look more like a WW2 German Generals Staff car than you run of the mill jeep.....
We had decided that we would take the jeep and head off to the mountains....for a number of adventurer reasons we decided on going to the Elk River Valley....a remote valley in the southern Canadian Rockies...it is a valley that runs North South nearly from the US border to Banff......with the exception of one mall mining town, Elkford, there are no settlements for hundreds of miles.....just the odd Grizzly bear, lots of trout and untamed wilderness......for whatever reasons made sense at the time...this was where Victor and I were to head to...
Before leaving I thought it a good idea to get the jeep in its best shape for the long drive....gas cans lashed to the side of the jeep, an oil change and a new roll bar installed.......Supplies were purchased.....a cooler, Coleman lamp, wicks, matches, kerosene, string, a knife and a 40 gallon vat of Hormel Chili....
We left on an early Fall day....striking out on the road...our first nights goal was to reach Grand Forks....a small mountain town well on the way to Elk Valley.......late at night we pulled into the campsite........we unloaded the jeep and pitched the tent......the air had a chill and a distinct smell of recent light rains........we decided we needed to make a campfire....
One of the greatest challenges that man encounters is how to make a decent campfire......really the whole business about being a business tycoon or a sports hero is over shadowed by the challenge of making a decent campfire....wet wood, real matches, crappy damp newspaper and kindling that is too chunky are all major obstacles to making a good fire....and without fire....well...we would never have made it this far....extinction was and probably still is a distinct threat.....
So after 2 or 3 boxes of wood matches being snuffed out before catching fire to any of the dampened, oily feeling newspaper we had our first aha moment.......
The Kerosene...!....the campfire was set up in a small clearing.....perfect to really get a fire going.....I opened the gallon jug of Kerosene...pouring it over the damp wood and newspaper....splash...splash....there that ought to do it...."No...man.....pour more on it...I freezing and I want a big fire....here let me pour some on it....." Victor said....
"Ok......here.." I passed the remains of the Kerosene to him....glup, glup glup the Kerosene slurped out of the hole at the top of the can......
"Ok.....here goes nothing..." I struck the strike anywhere match to striker pad......csshtt, csshtt....the match struck and then flamed to life....I dropped it onto the stacked firewood....
Whooosh.........the entire campsite was immediately bathed in a burning Blue flame.......the first 12 inches above the ground for as far as we could see was a pond flambeau.....and we were right in the middle of it.....
We both stood gob smacked....not moving as we watched the flame slowly move in from the outer edges of the campsite, withdrawing into the fire pit........the fire going out......still the campfire was silent......and unlit....
We looked at each other....." Lets just get in the sleeping bags....we will warm up"...I said......we nodded in agreement......and silently crawled into the tent....both wondering just how close we had come to being bar b qued......
The next morning...the sun was out....ahh...stand.....make a coffee...a new day.....the promise of more adventure ahead of us and just around the bend...the previous nights fire episode a distant memory.....
In quick time we loaded up the jeep and headed out the 60 remaining mile to Elkford...the last stop on the road before getting into the Elk Valley.......we passed through the bucolic little mining town and headed out on the back roads.......the goal...poorly defined...was to try and drive the entire valley length to Banff...a 200 mile journey through pristine wilderness......towering mountains to either side of us and the Elk River running along our right hand should we drove along the many meandering logging and forestry roads......the gravel of the road crunching and spitting out from beneath the tires as we drove....the top down...the sun warm.....a glorious day......
We spotted a crossroad up ahead...a tarmac road amongst the many gravel ones.....ahh...the one paved road leading up to Fording Coal...the open pit mine.....
I stopped the jeep just as we got onto the new road......getting out of the jeep I pulled out the topographical map we bought from lands and forest and laid it across the hood of the jeep....Victor stayed in the passenger seat, buckled up for safety........looking at the map and determining that I had no fucking idea what any of it meant I decided I should get back into the jeep and drive on....the road ahead almost always being of more interest than the road already travelled........I got in the jeep....rolled down the drivers side window, turned the key...the motor roared too like, turned the wheel to pull away from the gravel side of the road........the passenger side back wheel caught itself on the soft shoulder....immediately the jeeps rear end swung and slid down the slope of the soft should...........reflexively I went to pound on the brakes but in my confusion I hit the gas pedal......the jeep lurch forward, the engine racing....the impetus of the acceleration further shoved the rear of the jeep down into the ditch....the drivers side right from wheel start to lift off of the ground....the rear wheel grabbing into the dirt side of the ditch further pulling it onto its side.......without really knowing what was happening and why...the whole of the jeep started to lift off the ground and fall into a full rollover.......as the jeep went past the fulcrum of balance I felt my unbelted body lift from my drivers seat.....a micro second later I saw my body defy gravity all the while gripping the wheel as if that might hold me down......I then felt a crushing pain in my upper left side thigh....a burning, broken feeling in my upper thigh.......I was then in flight.....I hit the ground on my back....I was looking up at the sky and watching as the jeep continued its roll.....rolling over.......I was thrown at an angle to the jeep....my body thrust against the ditches side....I watched and realized that jeep was going to crush me....its windshield looking like it might crush my left side while the newly appointed roll bar would crush my right....the top of the drivers side door...aiming to neatly sever my thorax in two.........it all moved slowly.......as the windshield came down on my left and the roll bar on my right side I involuntarily squeezed my shoulders together....hoping they would pass me on both sides of my body......I raised my hands in front of my face....I thought I would be able to push back on the top of the drivers door repelling the 3000 lbs of jeep as it rolled onto me .........it was coming down on my chest........in the back of my mind I could hear the sound of camping gear and spinning tires, a racing motor and a frightened Victor.....was this to be the soundtrack of my demise....
The jeep....it kept coming.....I held out my hands.......the jeeps door was with a foot of my chest, then 10 inches, 8 inches....and then it stopped.............it rocked....slowly....and settled into its topside.........silence....save the spinning tires....and a screaming Victor......
Now I am not one to believe in divine intervention....but if there ever was divine intervention on my behalf...this may have been it....perhaps it was just the way it rolls...so to speak......
All I could feel was my breath as I took a large gulp of air...fully exhaling out......and a searing pain in my upper thigh.....reminding me that there would be price to pay for this folly....
"Are you ok...?" I heard this voice....it was coming from Victor......he was belt buckled into his now upside down passenger seat........he was dangling in the air....a would be victim of gravity had he not had the seat belt........."Victor....fuck...I think I have broken my leg......are you ok.....?"
"I'm fine...what happened...? I am stuck.....let me get down and help you..."...without thinking Victor unbuckled his seat belt...this immediately let go Victor from his skyperch and dropped him unceremoniously into the ditch......
He scrambled out from under the jeep and came and squatted on the ground next to where I lay....."You ok....".....
"Victor...I am in real pain...I think I've broken my thigh bone....it hurts like hell..."....
"Shit......"He said...":What the hell are we going to do....we're in the middle of nowhere and in a mess..."
"I don't know Victor....I really don't..."
Just as I said that....we heard it........"What's that..?"....."A Truck..?".....no sooner had we found ourselves in the deepest hole did we see that there would soon be a hand to help us out of it.....
From the odd perspective of where I lay I say the lugged tires pull to a stop....Victors shoes and feet go to the drivers side of the truck....a pair of work boots hit the ground....muffled voices....the work boots running towards me.....stopping ......the legs bending down as he squatted next to me......"You ok..?"....
"Ah...no....I think I need an ambulance..."....
"Don't worry I have a CB radio....let me call the mine and get them to send an ambulance down....."
A Mackinaw Angel I mused.......
Over the next 20-30 minutes we waited....me still laying against the side of the ditch.....watching in pain as my upper legged started to balloon.....
I could hear and see the lower part of the bodies of Victor and the Mackinaw Angel as they circled the overturned Jeep assessing the damage.......
"What the hell is all this red stuff...is it blood...you sure you're not bleeding...." The work boots asked Victor.....
"Hmmm..I think its the Chili" Victor said.....
More damage was surveyed and assessed.....a blown out front windshield, torn off convertible top, Styrofoam cooler bits flying around and flut flutting in the breeze........it was not a pretty sight...at least not from where I stood...or lay as it were....
I could hear it before I could see it...an ambulances siren....straight from the soundtrack of Broderick Crawford’s Highway Patrol.......
It pulled alongside the overturned jeep..it motor and its siren sighing into silence......
Another pair of work boots to watch....cleaner ones...not nearly as scuffed as the Mackinaw Angels but work boots nonetheless.....
"You ok...?"........Apparently I did not look like a person who looked well.....I went along with the script......
"I think I broke my leg...."
"We'll get you fixed up.......Hey.....can you give me a hand....we need to get him on a stretcher and into the ambulance......" The other work boots moved around to help the ambulance driver.......each one of them grabbing a shoulder of mine they pulled me from the ditch and onto the road.......my leg felt like it would explode.....
Once I was on the warm asphalt of the road I could see the faces of the Mackinaw Angel and the ambulance driver.....both framed by the blue blue sky of the mountain air......both men older than me......both faces drawn with lines which betrayed a life lived a harder than most.......they were calm....I thought that perhaps this must be a not uncommon occurrence in their lives.......
"Ok......we're going to lift you up and onto the stretcher....you up for that...?"..before I could think or answer I was bodily lifted and plunked onto the gurney.......
"Ok.......well......we need to get you to the hospital...nearest one is in Sparwood...that's about 50 miles away........your friend (Victor) will need to stay here with the jeep and wait for the tow truck........
"Victor....Victor.....I will meet you back in Elkford when I am out of the hospital.......wait for me at the Elkford Esso station.....ok..?"
The door to the back of the ambulance closed shut....I looked out the back window at Victor......as I did...he looked down to the ground....hmmm...I must have dropped something...he bent down to pick it up......just as he disappeared beneath the horizon of the back window....I heard the ambulance engine turn over...put into gear and immediately back up......Shit...I thought....I wonder if they hit Victor...
"Hey" I screamed....." You've run over Victor...!"
The ambulance hit the brakes and lurched to a stop......I could hear the ambulance driver jump from the cab and run to the back....I saw his upper torso and head for a moment and then watched as he ducked down beneath the rear window......
I could hear Victor yell..."You nearly ran me over.....the bumper crunched into my shoulder .....what the hell are you doing...?"
"Sorry son..." I heard a voice say......."You ok...?"
Victor pulled himself up and dusted himself off....the ambulance driver stood beside him..........a quiet pantomime watched through the closed door of the ambulance...a few words exchanged....a hand on Victors shoulder.....a voiceless apology and an equally voiceless acceptance....the driver then moved back to the cab...the engine turned over and we began the long bumpy journey to Sparwood and the hospital....
After a couple of hours of travel we pulled into the small mountain town of Sparwood....the door to the ambulance opened and two strong orderlies opened the door and rolled out the stretcher ......
I was lifted from the stretcher and plunked into a wheelchair.......questions were asked.......doctors and nurses prodded and poked....I was x-rayed and prodded.....poked and patched up........
I had destroyed the upper muscle in my left thigh...not broken the leg....
After a few hours I was released from the hospital....out the door with a handful of codeine pills and a pair of rented crutches..
A couple who were at the hospital saw that I was not in the best of shape....I had a ballooning thigh...crutches, hair and clothes, dirty and disheveled...I was...a sight...
They offered me a ride back up the valley to Elkford where I would hook up with Victor....
Amazingly....with all of this already haven taken place it was still early in the day......just past noon I was dropped off at the local Esso station in Elkford...its only service station.......
I asked the gas jockey if he knew anything about Victor, the jeep and their whereabouts....he said the tow truck had been dispatched a couple of hours ago to retrieve Victor and the jeep from the wilds......there was not much I could do.....so.....I waited.....whacked out on Codeine, rattled by the days events....I found a chair to sit on next to the Coke machine just to the side of the service station....I waited some more
After an hour or two...the pain in my leg was becoming unbearable.....I downed a couple of more Codeines washing them down with an ice cold Coke.....and waited some more....
Just as I was considering my third handful of codeine pills I heard a noise coming from the road leading out from the mountains.....a rattling and throttling sound......the sound of an unmuffled engine........out of the woods roared the jeep.......a White streak of jeep...it was lashed with red meaty streaks of Chili Con Carne.......the windshield shattered but still in its place......several large dents in the hood and the fenders...the convertible roof hanging off the side by a mere thread.........Victor.....gripping the wheel of the jeep like a rodeo rider grips the rope of a runaway Mustang......yeehaw...
The jeep with Victor in it came to a screeching sluggish halt in front of the gas station........little children and old people who had been milling around dropped what they were doing and came to view this chili encrusted moveable near-death experience.......
"Victor....Victor....are you ok..?
"Well" he said..." My shoulder really hurts where the ambulance hit it...but other than that.....I think I am ok......."
"So....Victor......I want to go home...you..?"
"Yeah...let’s get out of here " he said....
We looked over the jeep......from stem to stern there were large lashes of chili con carne smeared....it was as if we had flown through a flock of gulls who had recently feed on a hundred pounds of meal worms all of which had exploded they were struck by the jeep......
The front windshield hung from its rubber seal and metal frame like some severed spider web hangs from a fencepost.........dents festooned the overall body of the jeep.......
" Ok...lets kick the windshield out and get going....its 2 PM and if we are lucky we can be in Vancouver or at least Chilliwack by midnight.....".......Lucky being the operative of course....
As I was crippled and could barely stand let alone walk or kick out windshields I was unable to help so I commanded...I am sure Victor was happy about this turn of events...
"Just get up on the hood of the jeep and yard out the glass...its safety glass, so it will just pop out...." I , of course had no idea what I was talking about....but, up Victor climbed....adjusting his thick prescription glasses so they rode more firmly on his nose.....
" Just take this towel and grab the edge of the rubber seal and pull....just pull hard....yeah...that's it........pull....".....and with a mighty heave the shattered glass and its seal all landed on the hood of the truck...Victor then kicked it off and onto the ground......
"Ok....Victor....open up the hood so we can see if we have any oil or brake fluid left in it......"...Upon opening the hood the scene that greeted us was an environmental disaster second only to the later Exxon Valdez disaster.....
Oil of all sorts coated everything everywhere...motor oil, brake fluid, windshield fluid, radiator fluid and automatic transmission fluid covered both the inside of the hood .....collected there during the 3 hours spent on its roof.....oils covered the engine itself...splashed there as a result of the rollover and the recent road trip out of the bush........smoke was swirling out from the engine compartment......
"Ok.......looks like we need motor oil, brake fluid, water and coolant......Victor....you gotta go get it..."
"Why don't you get it...?"....
"Victor...I can't fucking walk.....let alone carry cans of oil...!"....
Victor walked over to the gas station and picked up an armload of varying oils and fluids......
"Ok....Lets pour some oil in here......brake fluid in this one.....some water in here........Shit we really should bleed the brakes..."
"What?" Victor said....
"Well brakes can get air in the lines and not work very well...they get spongy......you're going to need to get under the jeep and go to the bleeder valve which is just on the inside of the drum..."
Stunned silence........I had momentarily forgotten that Victor was a professional musician and had no mechanical DNA whatsoever..... "Ok.." I said...."we'll just put the fluids in......"
For an hour or so we poured fluids and attempted to clean up the jeep......finally we were ready to hit the road again..........
"Victor....you're going to have to drive...I can't"...by this time my leg has swollen to nearly double its size......so large in fact that I had to take off my jeans and go in just my underwear.....I climbed into the passenger seat......tennis shoes on...no pants, underwear only, wearing a ski jacket and clutching my crutches......
Victor hopped into the driver’s seat...brushing aside the shards of broken glass and chunks of chili.....
The engine roared to life.......not quite sounding as it normally would...there was a throaty chortle coming from beneath the hood....Victor gave me an inquiring glance....
"Don't worry about it...Lets get outta here.."
We headed out.......within about 2 minutes we realized we had a significant problem.......without the windshield we were face forward into the elements....bugs were hitting us in the face and upper body .....I looked at Victor...he had an Acne of insects splattered across his face.....
"Shit...this won't work .......what the hell can we do...?" He yelled......
"Hmmm....I don't know....we have about an hour drive until we get back to Sparwood...there must be something there to help...." I yelled back...now realizing that without the windshield and travelling at 40 m.p.h. that driving the jeep had become a very noisy proposition...
For the next hour we dodged bugs and birds and sat facing the oncoming rush of the wind, all the time trying to balance a reasonable highway speed with our interests in not being blown apart......
We pulled into Sparwood.......a small logging town....not much in the way of stores......."Hey.." Victor hollered..."there's a motorcycle shop......maybe they've got something...!?"
Perfect I thought.....motorcycle goggles will do the trick....perfect replacement for the missing windshield....
We entered the store.....several pair of eyes watched us with disbelief......I looked over at Victor to see what they were in shock about......Victor had several splatted bugs on his face....his hair had the appearance of a skydivers........
We browsed the goggles, trying them on and laughed.....I picked out a pair of motorcycle goggles while Victor chose a full moto-cross face mask ......he looked like a maniacal cross between a Hockey goalie and a horror film icon....
Donning our new face protection we climbed back into the jeep and got underway.
For the next couple of hours we sailed along with nary a care......except the odd family passing us on the highway who stared in utter disbelief.......we waved and smiled at them when they passed....invariably they sped away with the Mom silently mouthing to her kids..."Look away kids...don't look at the crazies.."
We were about 15 miles outside of Yahk B.C. when the engine went silent.........we glided alongside a deserted stretch of highway.....gravel grinding as we rolled to a stop.....
Stunned silence between us....."So....what do you think it is...?" I asked......not really expecting an answer from Victor......
For the next 20 or so minutes we stood in stunned silence....watching the odd car go by.....watching our lives almost flash before our eyes......we were 10 miles from the nearest hamlet which meant we were in the proverbial middle of nowhere....jus when we were about to contemplate our next move a gigantic Biscayne pulled alongside of us...the passenger window rolling down and the driver asking us if he could be of assistance.... "I'm a mechanic" he said...
Just as we were going down for the last time we had a life ring tossed our way.....a mechanic...! We'll get out of this scrape yet.....
The mechanic got out of the big Biscayne and walked towards the jeep......."Listen..." he said...."I am on my way to Spokane for the weekend and I don't really want to get dirty or go under the jeep to have a look but what I will do is help you boys fix the problem.....that work for you..?"
"Sure" I said......" Victor you ok on that....? ...I can't move or get under the jeep so you'll have to do the work, but this guy sounds like he knows what to do...you up for it...?"
Victor, looking less than sure muttered..." I have no clue what to do...".....
"I know Victor, I know....but we have no choice.......you have to do this..."....Now I have always been good at convincing people to do things they don't want to do or are even marginally qualified to do but by convincing Victor that he could fix a mechanical problem is akin to asking The Pope to become a Jew.....not a good or likely idea.....
"Well.." says the mechanic..." My guess is its the starter that won't work so what we need to do is run a cable from the battery terminals down and under the jeep and turn over the starter by placing the live cable onto the starters terminal posts...at the same time turn the generator over by hand....that should do it..!...."
" You got that Victor...?" I asked....Victor wordlessly climbing under the jeep with the cable in his hand......."Victor its simple....just get under the jeep, take this cable with you and you see the starter there...yeah...the thingamajig that looks line a blender on its side attached to the back of the flywheel.....? No...that's the muffler......higher....reach up, yup to your left, my right...uh huh...yup...ok...just about there...."
ZZzzDddzZZzZ..... There was unmistakable hum of a massive electrical charge being emitted followed by a 4th of July sized shower of sparks....followed by a definite swear word and a scream.....I thought for a second I was hanging out with Nicholas Tesla...
"Ow...shit, ow.....ow..." Victor rolled out from under the jeep holding his forehead; blood oozing from between his fingers, his glasses shattered leaving only the steel rims and a chunk or two of thick lenses still in place...the jumper cable writhing on the ground like some fitzing spitting serpent......
"Did you get it ..?" I asked....
"No....I did not get it....I nearly killed myself....you kidding I have no idea how to do this.....I almost caught on fire...!!!"
The mechanic looked on in utter horror.....I am sure he had never come across any 2 people so mechanically inept as we were that day.....
"So..." he says..." Wow...look at the time....I got to get going......really...I wish I could stay and help...but you know...the border station closes in an hour so.....good luck with this..." and with that he turned, got back into the Biscayne behemoth and sped away, spitting gravel back and up at us.......
"Now what...? " I lamented.......silence to that question....I really did not expect anything else.....
Another 30 or so minutes passed and a large passenger bus pulled onto the gravel about 300 feet ahead.......slowing to a stop.
"Victor...I think they are gonna help....can you go talk to them...?"...Victor, still playing with the shattered remains of his glasses squinted at me and said sure.....off he went to the bus....5 minutes later a hurried and rather excited Victor came back to me and the jeep...
"It’s a busload of women and they are going take me to the next town, I’ll go and call a tow truck..."
Not so fast I thought......a busload of women...? There must be some redemption to this day...." I don't think so Victor...I am going..."
"What!" he exclaimed..." I am going......."
"Victor"....as I held up 3 fingers in front of his face I said...."Victor...how many fingers am I holding up..?"
"5" he said.....
"Sorry Victor.....3....how the hell are you going to read a phone book or dial a phone....you can't even see how many fingers I am holding..."
The logic of my argument was unassailable........so...I hobbled towards the busload of women and a trip to find help......
Now....I can say with some assuredness that I am ok looking...not hideous, not handsome...but good looking enough to get the odd girl or 2.....so as I crutched my way to the bus I was not really thinking about just how I truly looked at the moment....It had been a long day by that time.......I forgot that I had many bugs in my hair and teeth, I wore my motocross mask atop my head in a rather jaunty fashion and my jeans were pulled up but the zipper and fly unable to be done up due to the swelling......I was thinking......a busload of women........
I got to the bus door and hopped up the small flight of stairs to the cabin.......it was dark inside the bus ........a women’s voice said...."Here, sit down next to me....you poor thing...."
Ahhh...a comforting voice, a helping hand.....a busload of women.......I sat down...my eyes becoming accustomed to the dark....the women's voice next to me said..."What can we do to help....?"
Finally, my eyes could see the entire cabin of the bus...it was loaded not with women...but with early teenaged kids and a few parental chaperones.......I was looking at them wondering how Victor got a busload of women out of this tableau and undoubtedly they were looking at me wondering if I was on "America's Most Wanted"....
I spoke..." I...I...I need a ride to the next town to get a tow truck...."
The women next to me positively beamed..." We would love to do our good deed for the day......praise be to God..."
Now I am not a believer nor a non-believer...I figure I have until the very last breath of my life to figure this part of my belief system out and make my call at that time....so anytime I meet someone holier than thou or totally convinced that there is no God I get nervous.......the whole God thing is just best left up to someone else.......
"Yes....well...thanks..." I said..
For the next half an hour or so the bus rolled on down the highway....the women next to me told me their story...
"Well, we have just visited the Temple in Cardston Alberta......have you ever been...it is just glorious...a true house of the Saints...."
Cardston I thought, Cardston Alberta, what does that mean.....I wracked my brain trying to remember my grade 11 socials...Cardston....! damn....Mormons!...I am on a bus with a bunch of Mormons...!
"Yes...well...yes..." I said.........The kids threw candy wrappers at me from their seats.....
" Do you believe in the Lord...? She asked....
"Not after the day I have had..." I said.......this met with a stony silence.....
Finally we drove into Yahk....now to say Yahk is small is well...an understatement.....
The Mormons dropped me at the roadside........in front of an old Motel 6 undergoing a renovation.......a Motel 5 at best I thought....
Hobbling to the door of the office I opened it up to be hit with the distinct smell of high grade weed.....2 longhairs sat at the desk smoking a joint.......before I could say a word they looked at me and started laughing hysterically......
"Ahem.........I seem to have broken down about 20 miles back and wondered if I could use your phone to call a tow truck...." They were still in stitches and unable to speak.....
"Excuse me.....I am broken...."
One of them spoke up cutting me off in mid sentence......." Have you looked in a mirror lately..?" They continued to laugh.....
"No....I haven't..." I said...the mirror being the least of my concerns......
"Well....you look like shit" the other one said......"Here you go....use our payphone......" they continued to look at in wonderment me as if I was the best thing they had seen all day.....
I looked up the towing company.....I was about 20 miles away in Creston.........it was nearing dusk and Victor had been left alone in the jeep out in the wilderness for the past hour or so......I dialed..
Brrring,,, Brrrinng,,,"Creston Towing..."
"Yeah...hey.....I am in Yahk and my jeep is broken down about 20 miles away.......I need to get a tow....can you send a truck...?"
" Yes...we can....but we're very busy right now so it will be at least 2 hours......."
"Oh dear....is there another tow truck company I can call...?" I asked...
"Nope...we're it....see you in 2 hours..." click....
For the next 2 hours I chatted with the heads and waited.....and waited.......the utter darkness of a night in the mountains closed in and around me...
I called to tow truck again...." I am still here....you coming..."
"Yup...we've just been really busy...we should be about an hour or so..."
It was now night...night in the mountains without a moon...night with nothing but a billion stars all around.......night....and Victor out in its midst......
About an hour or so later I heard it before I could see it........the low rumble of a diesel truck in the distance.........a moment later the beams of the tow trucks flashing amber light piercing the darkness............. the truck turned the corner and started to pull into the darkened motel.....I was saved....but...something was ...wrong...
The tow truck had its winch out and the large sling deployed.......dangling a foot off the ground hanging in the tow trucks sling was a dead horse......
"You call for a tow truck...?" the driver said....
Just as plain as day the driver asked me if I had called for a tow truck....saying absolutely nothing about the 1000 lbs of dead horse hanging off the back of his truck....like this was just an everyday occurrence....
" You got a dead horse there.." I said..."master of the obvious" I thought to myself......
"Oh yeah...that..well when I was heading up here I came across a car accident..it had hit a horse on the highway...I already got the car taken care of but I needed to get rid of the horse so I thought I'd take him home first....feed the dogs with it...hop in.....we'll drop it off and then go get your vehicle..."
I went around the front to the truck to get into the passenger side....
"What kind of horse was it..?" trying to make conversation....
" A dead one...." he chuckled.....I got the distinct impression the driver thought that coming upon a dead horse on the highway was a bit of perk of the job.......
We chugged down the highway...the dead horse swaying in the back gently rocking the tow truck...
We pulled off the road and into the drivers homestead.......he pulled into the front yard and stopped...."I just gotta drop off the horse" he says...
"Ok...don't let me stop you", trying to make a joke.......
After dropping off Seabiscuit in the front yard and cinching down the towing paraphernalia the driver got back in..."Ok...lets go get that jeep of yours..."
By this time Victor had been alone in the wilderness for a good 4 hours...no food, no water, no light,...just sitting at the side of a lonely stretch of road in the middle of the mountains....
The truck rumbled on.....
In the distance the flashing lights of the tow truck picked up a reflection.....there...there it was again....the jeep...the lights picking up the reflection from the broken side mirrors....and there's Victor......
We pulled up to the jeep......the floodlights of the tow truck bathing the scene in white light......
There sat Victor...his arms cradled in front of his body....his mouth chewing something....his eyeglasses casting weird shadows on his face......
I looked closer......
"Victor....sorry man...you ok...?".....
Perched on the top of the driver’s seat, presumably to be as far away from any roving bands of wolverines and then choking down on whatever he was eating Victor spoke up.....
"Where have you been...I have been here all night....!"
Not bothering to explain the last 4 hours I asked..."What are you eating...?"
"Well...people stopped every so often to see if I was ok....some of them gave me food and stuff to drink......"
Even though it had been a very long day and I was tired.... something about Victor seemed off...I thought perhaps my eyes were playing tricks on me in this oddly lit tableau......but then again....I looked at his glasses...they were definitely wrong....
"What the hell is that on your glasses? I asked...
"Well" he said......." I had nothing to do so I collected up the broken pieces from the lenses and put them back into the frames...I then took the shoelaces from my Chucks and tied them around the frames to hold the glass in place...it works not too bad...."
Good God I thought...it was true...his wire framed glasses had broken optical lenses in them held together with black running shoe laces........
"Victor"......I said...."It’s been a long, long day....shall we go home....?"
Without a word and only needing a nod of agreement we both said yes....and with that the jeep was put onto the tow truck......we both climbed into the cab and we headed for Creston.........about an hour or so passed as we sat in silence.....I wanted to tell Victor about the horse, I am sure he wanted to tell me about the Wolverines.....
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