You May Be Shocked, You May Be Outraged and You May Laugh or Shake Your Fist!

You May Be Shocked, You May Be Outraged and You May Laugh or Shake Your Fist!

This is the long strange and ridiculous story of Shaw Cables world’s worst customer service failure!

This may take a bit to read but trust me when I say this is worth the read. I am also certain there will be some blowback from some well-meaning folks. But here goes.

1: I have been a Shaw customer for over 20 years. I now have 3 accounts and pay them $570 each and every month. I am 60 years old. I have never had a late payment or been in trouble with the police. Ever.

2: On September 1^st I moved into a new location in Rockland (one of Victoria’s nicest neighbourhoods). The house I moved into is a 120 year old character home and has had Shaw cable for at least 25 years according to the landlord.

3: My suite in this house was previously occupied for 23 years and in that suite there is a coaxial cable coming out of the wall.

4: The suite directly below me and a mere 2 feet away has just had Shaw cable hooked up on September 1^st.

5: On September 1^st I phoned Shaw Cable to come and “hook me up”. At this point I had 2 other accounts and this would be my 3^rd! I do not get any special rates or deals.

Here goes the story…

On September the 1^st I called Shaw…after holding for 10 minutes they said “wait times are longer than usual, you are 624th in line, would you like a callback in 1 to 2 hours?”

Yes…I expected that…I waited for the callback.

Callback came and the Shaw CSR came on the line..”Gurjit here…how can I help?” Now, I want to be perfectly clear, this part of the story is not about the CSR being from anywhere else or not being Anglo-Saxon…I could care less! …The only reason I raise this is about Shaw’s hiring people whose first language is not English and training them VERY POORLY and then throwing them into a mix of unhappy customers. So, please save your crankieness about this for something else.

The calls and the problems begin….

CSR: How can I help?

Me: I have 2 accounts already and want to open a 3^rd in Fairfield # X.  500 block of St Charles St.

CSR: “hmmmmI am looking and it looks like you don’t exist?”

Me: Huh?

CSR: Your suite..it does not exist…we will need to alert the city to come out and verify it exists.

Me: There is a coaxial cable coming out of the wall and the suite 2 feet below me has just had the Shaw guy there yesterday to hook her up. The house is 120 years old and the owner has had Shaw for over 20 years, there is a coaxial cable coming out of the wall. It exists!

CSR: No sir…it does not!

Me: How long will it take to get it to exist…?

CSR: 10 days for the city to verify it exists, then another 10 days to get the service tech back to hook you up!

Me: Thanks..I will get back to you…

I then phoned Telus….bypass this mess I thought…I spoke with Telus…they said…”All cable into that house is Shaw…we will need to run our cable to the house and that can’t be done until 3 weeks from now”. Thanks I said…I will get back to you.

Back to Shaw Cable and help from the Landlord.

Me: (call to Landlord aka Hans) Hans can you help out here?

Hans: Sure, I do not know why Shaw is so loopy but I will call them.

Hans called me back later that day and said Shaw was sorted out and that a tech would be at the suite Sunday the 15^th to hook me up. 10 days henceforth.

Excellent I said…I will wait.

About the 8^th of September I decided to speak to Shaw Customer Loyalty to express my frustration….but first I had to speak to yet another CSR. Another 1.5 hour wait and callback.

CSR: How can I help you?

Me: I would like to speak to customer loyalty.

CSR: What is your address?

Me : X.  500 block of St Charles St.

CSR: I don’t see you, that suite does not exist. We will need to get the city out there…..

Me: STOP! Look at your notes on the account…what do you see?

CSR: Oh, you do exist…I will put you through to customer loyalty.

I then waited for over an hour.

Shaw Customer Loyalty Rep 1: How can I help?

Me: I have 3 accounts and pay over $500 per month, I am waiting for 2 weeks to get the box hooked up…I am not very impressed, what can be done to speed up the connection?

Shaw Customer Loyalty Rep 1: I can give you 2 free months?

Me: I don’t have cable here, I don’t want 2 free months! I just want some service! Some action!

Shaw Customer Loyalty Rep 1: Sorry but 2 free months is the best we can offer, the techs are booked up. The tech will arrive on the 15^th by 12 noon.

Me: Thanks, I will wait.

The day of September 15^th came. 12 noon. No tech. 1 o’clock, no tech. I called Shaw. Waited for 1.5 hours for yet another callback.

2:15 the callback came from Shaw.

Me: I asked where the tech was/is.

CSR: I will text his manager and his manager will contact him.

Me: Can’t you just call him, you are a communications company aren’t you?

CSR: Sorry, nope.

Me: Ok, text him and can you get Shaw customer loyalty to call me?

Then at 2:30 PM the Shaw tech called from a blocked number saying he would be there in an hour.

3 o’clock, 4 o’clock…no tech…I called Shaw again and ended up getting in the callback que...I was 432nd in line…2 hour wait.

5:30 PM Tech shows up.

Now the Techs at Shaw (aside from being late) are an awesome bunch…(remember I have 3 accounts and know them well)…The tech comes in and says…

Tech: Sorry about that but Shaw is so f’d up that they have laid off 12 tech guys today as they are cutting costs and moving to a new “self serve” option. He then goes on to say….The amount of customer complaints we are getting are ramped way up as the training of CSR’s is almost non-existent and many are new to the country and do not understand English that well….they create more problems than they solve.

Lets see what we have here…..Ooops looks like there is no active cable to this suite…

Me: What?…they are 3 other Shaw customers in this house…the tenant below me has Shaw cable…she is 2 only feet away…

Tech: Sorry we cannot take it from her feed (understandable) so we will need to get a bucket truck here to run cable from the pole to the suite…

Me: How long will that take?

Tech: at least 10 days, then another 10 days after that for me to return. I can’t do anything more….got to go…You should call Customer Shaw Loyalty and complain.

An hour later the callback from Shaw loyalty came……

Shaw Customer Loyalty Rep 2: How can I help?

Me: (I told her the whole story…it took 10 minutes) …I just want cable and internet…I have 3 accounts…I want some service!!!

Shaw Customer Loyalty Rep 2: I will get a tech out there tomorrow.

Me: I just had a tech here today (look at the notes) ….he says we need a bucket truck to run cable from the pole to the suite….

Shaw Customer Loyalty Rep 2: I see that…ok we will get you a bucket truck in the morning…!

Me: Excellent….

As the next morning was a Monday, I asked Hans (Landlord) to oversee the bucket truck and to make sure they actually hooked up the box as well…not just ran the cable and left me waiting for a tech to return 10 days later…Hans agreed to help and is a sweetheart!

Monday morning 10 am.

Hans calls: John, they sent another tech but no bucket truck. I am so pissed off. I am going to phone Shaw again and scream at them…this will be my 6^th call to Shaw. I cannot believe how incompetent they are!

Me: Thanks Hans…I will call them as well again (now I am fuming)

At the time, I was at the airport waiting for my adult daughter. I thought I would call the Shaw customer service one more time…maybe I wouldn’t have to wait on hold…

Ring, ring, ring….calling while waiting at the airport.

CSR: How can I help? What is your accounts phone #.

Me: 250 XXX-XXXX

CSR: Sir, I show you do not exist?

Me: I hung up. Off I go to the Shaw store at Uptown in Saanich which is on the way back from the airport. I am in the company of my 24 year old daughter.

The Shaw center at Uptown had a 20-minute wait. We waited patiently in line.

Finally, we got to the head of the line where we were greeted by a CSR that was no older than 18 and overly enthusiastic and likely his first real job…. (yes I am probably stereotyping…however…sometimes stereotypes are true…which is why they become a stereotype)

Shaw Uptown CSR #1: Hi there…how can I help?

Me: Please do not take this the wrong way but I need a senior Shaw CSR. I have a difficult ongoing problem and it requires a Senior CSR with experience.

Shaw Uptown CSR #1: I can help!! 😊 I’m the guy!

Me: I have 2 accounts and trying to add a 3^rd. I have had over 14 calls to Shaw about this issue and my landlord has placed another 5 or 6. I have been a Shaw customer for over 20 years and always pay on time. Each time I call about this problem I am waiting for up to 2 hours. I am then repeatedly told “I do not exists” at which time I ask them to check their note…they then see I exist and put me on hold… I feel that your Shaw CSR’s on the phone are poorly trained and don’t read the notes. I have spoken to Shaw Customer Loyalty who only wants to give me free service! All I want is cable to my 3^rd place. I am so frustrated I could shoot someone. Is there anyway we can get to the bottom of this problem and fix this…now? I do not want to go to Telus I just want internet and cable…can you help?

Shaw Uptown CSR #1: I think you need a senior CSR. Let me get someone for you.

Me:?

They then take me to the senior in store rep. I sit across from him.

Shaw Uptown Senior CSR: What is the problem?

Me: I start into the story…into the story about 3 minutes when my cell phone rings..it’s Hans the Landlord.

Hans: John I have been yelling at Shaw and they have finally agreed to send 2 bucket trucks today. 1 from Sooke and 1 from Sidney, they will be here at 3 o’clock!

Me: (yippee) excellent I will be there at 3…thanks Hans.

I then thanked the senior instore CSR without needing to finish the story and said to him the trucks are on the way….and left. No problems, no yelling, no raised voices, no disturbances of any kind. No police called, no melee.

I then went to the new home on St Charles (3^rd Shaw account) and met the Shaw Bucket Truck techs. Great guys.  They hooked me up but not before venting about Shaw’s letting go of techs, the incompetent phone CSR’s and the general malaise reaching throughout the Shaw business.

The Bucket Truck techs…set me up….

Ahhhh..a Nestea moment..….I finally had internet and cable…Monday night football…

Now..you would think this would be the end of the story…..and you would be wrong.

Fast Forward 5 Days.

Friday night September 20^th at 10:45 PM. My phone rings 3 times. I was in the washroom and did not answer. I called back to the number.

Me: Hi, I see you called, how can I help?

Saanich Police Officer: Hi this Sergeant Smith from the Saanich Police.

Now I have a rental house in Saanich and my first thought was there must be something amiss at the rental…

Saanich Police Officer: I am outside of your residence on St Charles St. Were you recently in the Shaw Uptown Store and utter a DEATH THREAT to an employee?

Me: Pardon?

Saanich Police Officer: Did you threaten to shoot the CSR? I need you to come out of the house with your hands at your side.

Me: I will be right down. (which I did).

Saanich Police Officer: (after flashing his light in my eyes and asking me to walk slowly towards him we spoke) Did you utter a death threat to the Shaw CSR?

Me: No I did not, I then explained the whole story to him and reiterated the words spoken exactly as I have written them.

Saanich Police Officer: So, you did say you wanted to shoot somebody?

Me: No, I said I was so frustrated I could shoot someone! It was just a figure of speech said in a long story about the relentless problem and is a common phrase that expresses ultimate frustration.

Saanich Police Officer: I see that as a Death Threat or utterance. Do you have any firearms?

Me: No.

Saanich Police Officer: You sure.

Me: Yes, absolutely.

Then what took place on that quiet treelined, deer infested street was a rather circular conversation where the Saanich police office suggested I could be arrested but wouldn’t and that I should understand that etc.

He also said I was banned from the Shaw Uptown store. (now bare in mind, no one yelled at anyone, no police were called to the location, no disturbance of any kind.)

I said the CSR was in his first job and his mom still made his lunch and on and around it went…the police office left…I went back to my Netflix.

Now…I told a few friends the story and they laughed at this insanity. However, I was upset because at age 60 without any prior run-ins EVER with the law I have a death threat utterance on my file….wtf?

So I waited 5 days thinking the whole thing was over..let sleeping dogs lie….not so fast…..

A registered letter came from Shaw. I did not pick it up yet but will today (October 2^nd 2019)

I did however call Shaw customer loyalty again as I wanted this cleared up…I wanted an apology.

On Thursday September 26^th I called.

Shaw Customer Loyalty Rep 3 : How can I help?

Me: I am sure you have notes on my issue along with the recordings but here is the story….I took 15 minutes and told her the story.

Shaw Customer Loyalty Rep 3: Holy shit..she says…I have heard some crazy complaints but never like this….I am going to get a senior loyalty rep to call you Monday or Tuesday at the latest.

Tuesday comes and goes but no call back. Wednesday the 2^nd of October. I called and asked for customer loyalty. After an hour of waiting I got “Shawn” Shaw Senior Customer Service Rep V01Z.

Shaw Senior Customer Service Rep V01Z: How can I help?

Me: Have you looked at the file on my issue?

Shaw Senior Customer Service Rep V01Z: I have, how can I help?

Me: Listen, I have been a loyal customer for over 20 years and I am really upset at this entire issue, all I want is a written apology and to get out of my contracts with you without paying the early cancellation fee.

Shaw Senior Customer Service Rep V01Z : I am sorry but you will have to pay the early cancellation fee.

Me: stunned silence….. Seriously?

Shaw Senior Customer Service Rep V01Z: Did you get our registered letter?

Me: I have not yet picked it up, what is it?

Shaw Senior Customer Service Rep V01Z: We have cancelled your service and accounts as of October the 7^th.

And so….after 20 years as a loyal Shaw customer this is my story…do you have a comment or Shaw Customer Service nightmare you wish to share?

Shawn Customer V01Z

Thank You Bruce Springsteen

It all started with Bruce http://brucespringsteen.net/  is I guess about the best way to say it …..this song….this oddly different song came on the AM radio…..it was Jungleland….a 3.5 minute radio edit of Jungleland……? Now for you out there who know this song…you know it is a 7 minute epic…so to be aroused by a 3.5 minute version on the local AM station with its scratchy crackling signal it must have said something….I was 16 at the time…

Next thing I remembered was seeing his picture on Time and Newsweek magazine…..the same week….who the fuck was this guy…? The front cover of Time and Newsweek was the favored haunt for Chou En Lai  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zhou_Enlai and the Arab Oil Embargo http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/1973_oil_crisis .... Musician’s, let alone rock musicians did not show up here… so I bought the album…

That album of course was Born To Run http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Born_to_Run  ….on the cover was a large black man in leather pants holding a sax and the singer in leather and sporting a scruffy beard…..the images in high contrast Black and White……. This was at a time when music was deep in the dark heart of disco….

I went to Miller’s record store…….asked the clerk….”do you have an album by a guy named Bruce Stringspeen?”….. I asked…… he looked at me as if I had just asked for the keys to the Kremlin or some other unimaginable thing…….”You know…” I said…” He has the song, Jungleland?”….

After some confusion he understood what I was asking……he took me too the “S” section of the albums…..there it was…$4.99. I bought it.

Getting home I went into my room….there, my stereo…my prized possession, was front and center in the room …the room farthest away from the rest of the family…I locked the door…took the album from its bag…

To this day I remember slicing through the film wrap on the album cover…a motion that created a crackle and a static charge…..The two fold cover opened stiffly…..the smell of the ink still fresh and pungent…..I slid the album out of the sleeve….The Red Columbia record label, the black text with the songs on each side…..4 songs per side…..nothing more…nothing less..

I dropped the needle into the first songs groove…..a crackle….and then…..”Screen doors slams, Mary’s dress waves…” …still to this day…just to remember this moment makes me shiver…..

I listened to the whole thing……Thunder Road, Tenth Avenue Freeze-Out, Night, Backstreets…side 2…Born to Run, She’s the One, Meeting Across the River, Jungleland. …I listened to it again…and again….

I had to share this with others…

My running buddy was Derek Gale…..Derek and I shared pretty much everything…..I dragged him into my darkened bedroom…..”You gotta listen to this”..I said……I dropped the needle on Thunder Road…….He looked at me as if I had lost my mind…….”Don’t you get it!”…I exclaimed….There was no visible recognition from Derek that he had indeed “gotten it”…only a look that said…”Have you lost it..?”

I was undaunted….I made Derek listen to this record again and again……finally…he got it….and to this day Derek and I are still friends….and to this day, and every day he wakes, Derek plays a little Springsteen on the stereo…..

But this was not the end of it……I was an apostle of sorts….. preaching the gospel of Bruce to everyone who would listen…..friends, bandmates, classmates, teachers….any one…..

When I was 19….I met a girl…….between us the chemistry was like flint and steel….always a spark when one was near the other….between us, the chance for its survival was the most unlikely of outcomes….she was 14….I had a girlfriend, she was the daughter of my former high school teacher…. Still it did not deter us…..

For 2 plus years we played a cat and mouse game of romance…..Me, never committing, always playing both sides of the coin….her, wanting more than was possible….I knew, even then, it would take a man to be with her, I knew that I was not yet that……

We struggled on….between the troubles of family, differences in age, the meaning of it all……..we played with each other’s heart…..me maybe more so, than her……me… definitely more so than her…..

In the midst of all of this…one thing I do remember doing was telling her about Bruce……by this time, Darkness on the Edge of Town http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Darkness_on_the_Edge_of_Town and The River http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_River_(Bruce_Springsteen_album)  had come out….I had seen Bruce live for the first time in Seattle…Tickets were $12.50

Here is the setlist

Bruce Springsteen
10/24/80 (Fri)  Seattle Center Coliseum - Seattle, WA 

Set 1: Badlands, Out In The Street, Tenth Avenue Freeze-Out, Darkness On The Edge Of Town, Factory, Independence Day, Jackson Cage, Two Hearts, The Promised Land, Racing In The Street, The River, Prove It All Night, Thunder Road, Cadillac Ranch, Fire, Sherry Darling, I Wanna Marry You, The Train Song, Wreck On The Highway, Point Blank

Set 2: Crush On You, Ramrod, You Can Look, Stolen Car, Drive All Night, Rosalita, Jungleland, Detroit Medley, Raise Your Hand

The show started just after 8 and went to nearly 1 in the morning……

Back to her….

I would take her out in my jeep…..my “Ghetto Blaster” along for the ride…….I would take her to a secluded place…..steal a kiss, maybe more….. Bruce was always the soundtrack…….

I knew I was in love with her, but did know this until much later in life…..

As things sometimes do…..this thing we had, came crashing down……accusations of being a cheat, dissolving trusts, experiences crowding in on us that neither of us were prepared or skilled for….I spun away from it all, like some piece of space junk tumbling away into the night……I moved away….she stayed here…..years passed…

I married, she did not, I had kids, so did she, I chased the light in my own way, as did she…..I never talked to her, she never did either… I never forgot her…

From time to time….I would hear things……she had a kid, but not a husband……she was a lawyer, she had an older boyfriend……I never forgot her…

Over the years, from time to time, she would come rumbling across my mind’s horizon…..sometimes it was like a dust cloud on the deserts’ floor, sometimes it was like a pinball banging off my cerebral cortex http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cerebral_cortex  but she came to mind…..and I never did shake it….nor did I want to….. I suppose….

33 years passed…..

About a year ago……one evening…she came into my mind again……like vespers http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vespers .....

I decided to reach out……..I knew she was still in Victoria……she was a lawyer….beyond that much, I did not know much…… I composed a simple e-mail……”Hey….It’s me, John…..I just thought that after all these years I would just drop by to say hello…how are you?”……

The response was quick and cold…”I don’t think it’s a good idea that you just drop by….”

….I wrote back….”I meant… drop by in a digital way….you see I live in another town…..I thought it was time to reconnect and see how you are…?”….another email came slamming back…” I am fine….followed by a here is what I do, here is what I am, thanks for asking, but why the hell are you e-mailing me after 33 years?”……Good question…I had not thought I would have to explain myself……?

“ I was thinking of you….wanted to see how you were….to talk…”……the response was simple….” I am fine, leave me alone…but before I go….I do want to thank you for one thing from so long ago….You introduced me to Bruce and I still love him….everyone in my life thinks I am nuts when it comes to Bruce and they just don’t get him…but it has been a lifelong passion for me, one which I thank you for…”

HALLEFUCKINGLUAH  …….There is a god!  

The game of life.

It's interesting how this has all unfurled......perhaps the best way to show what I mean is through allegory.......and so here goes..

As a kid there was a board game called Careers.....

The rules were simple.....we had 3 elements to choose from and with which to make a combination of a 100 points....this combination of Stars (Fame), $ signs (for money) and Hearts (for Happiness) was yours to choose.....

As a young man.....in my late teens and early 20's.... if I were to have picked my combination it would have been heavily weighted with hearts.....and less so with fame and money.....

I believed then, as I do now, in the power of the heart........it served me well.....when I listened to it...

Something happened to me when I was 20.......someone I believed in....someone who held my heart and soul in their hands betrayed me.....like a compass without magnetic north I spun out towards anything else that seemed safe...anything else where my heart was not in play......

In my later 20's, 30's and 40's.....my Careers combination changed drastically......the reasons were as simple as they are complex..... but to simplify.....a collision of many factors perhaps.....it was the 80's and greed was good.....I was kneeling at the altar of perpetual cash and my prayers were coming true.....my Careers combination was one of a life being heavily weighted with $ signs and Stars.......my heart.... was left to fend for itself......

after all ...it had not protected me from what had happened......perhaps my reason...my unfailing intellect would guide me through this game of life.....I could reason my way through the rapids and eddy's.....the smooth passages and the roiling whitewater......I would think my moves through.....each one calculated to build upon the next.....each choice predicated by the opportunities available......or so I thought.....

Each step along this path was one where reason and logic drove me to the outcome...bigger rewards, better  cars, more of...well......more.....

Not once in all this time did I walk to the road and look down a ways.......not once in all of this time did I check in with my heart on a decision......Not one single scintilla of a moment....Not once......save for the birth and life of my daughters....

And I paid for it......

The heart is like a pebble in your shoe......it never really goes away......it can't....so it rests against your heel, occasionally stabbing you with pain, creating blisters and callouses...if for no other reason I supposed, than to remind you its still there.....

Now...in all of these times....I had my share of successes..... and failures.......to be sure

But as I now look back on them.....I see the pattern......just a plainly as one can....... my failures were not failures of the intellect....they were failures of the heart.......a failure to use my heart.....and a failure of not using my heart enough....after all...the heart is a muscle......the more it is used...the more it has muscle memory........the more it is used I found out....the more it is to be trusted......

So here I now stand.....in front of you....in front of me....in front of all who care to listen and look.......and say quite clearly....I am about to make another combination of life that will serve me well as I move forward........My dance card is empty........my Career combination is full of hearts with still enough $ signs to make it worthwhile (fame can wait...overrated) ...so I ask you......would you join me in a dance....long and slow.....punctuated only with tender kisses and a realization that we will never have this chance again.....

Starting Over.

Starting over....is it failure or fruition?

Really, of all of the challenges we face in our lives that involve other people it is the starting over that requires us to face our greatest fears and self doubt.

We ask ourselves so many questions...are we a failure at what we once had and are now moving away from?...or are we a serial crazy person unable to maintain our focus on one world, moving like grazing cattle from one relationship to the next?...or are we reinventing ourselves to best match our needs as our needs change and evolve......?

What are our needs?

Needs are what feeds our soul engine. It may sound odd to say that, but truly if you think about it, it is true.

Our soul engine, if you will, is the vessel which we draw from, to offer to others in our life, our best words, actions and feelings.

I use the words soul engine, not for its religious connotations but more as a word set to best describe what it is in ourselves that collects and disseminates our experiences and feelings and turns it into meaningful actions....

Our soul engine (for example), is what helps us to not only express to our kids what is good and bad..(that knowledge of Good and Bad comes from experience) but our soul engine gives us the ability to express to them why something is....in a manner in which we can help them to understand why we feel as we do......the logic being, we can tell them that crossing the street without looking is wrong....but when we look them in the eye and they see our soul letting them know that we really do care.......the soul.....makes the message make sense.....

For better or worse...the soul engine is seemingly a vessel that needs refilling....the most effective way is to do this daily by being with and around others who inspire, reading, experiencing and otherwise experiencing positive (and less so, negative) input.

In a relationship ..by its very definition, this "refilling" comes from being with a person who truly meets your inner needs........we spend so much of our life concerned about the outer needs....his/her genetics, their stature in the eyes of others etc....these are all admirable qualities and needed virtues, but ultimately it is not the best fuel for our souls........it leaves us hungry....always....

Oh yes....we can say that we can do all of this filling on our own....we don't need anyone etc.....but in my experience...the people with the most to give...the richest source of soul engine fuel...if you will...are those who actively engage with others in an intimate way.......taking and feeding from their words and input....

So what to do when we are no longer having our needs met and our soul engine is not being filled?....do we stay?...or start over...?

It is true.....on rare occasions that once the heart is lost in a relationship it can be rekindled.......but its also more often true........that this does not happen?.....the outcome of a relationship stymied is a soul engine in depletion......slowly but ever so certainly, running down like an unwound clock..........and then, there we stand.....

When we question our choices and voice our concerns....is he right for me?....am I getting what I need?.......all those type of questions that rise to the surface are not as a result of the others person failure, but by our own failure to surround ourselves with another (or others) who fill our soul engine as we need it done......so....do we see the end of something as a failure......or a fruition...? Did we fail to make the relationship work...? Or did the components and fuel of the relationship fail to fill our soul engine?

So....do we stay...or start over?

Yellow Pants and The Great Holiday Photo's

In 1985 I was 26 and had pockets full of cash.

I was also working in a very stressful environment...the music business......in the business you would work like a crazed dog until you hit the wall....one day after hitting the wall...the owners would come to your office and suggest...no....insist that you take a holiday........."not now" they would say..."but right fucking now......"

I hit the wall on a Tuesday....by Wednesday I had booked a couple of weeks in a Club Med 4 hours south of Puerto Vallarta ,Mexico.

On Thursday morning I was shopping for clothes and supplies for the looming holiday...

I was driving around looking for clothes....I needed something spiffy...this was after all, the era of Don Johnson and Miami Vice.....and I was going to Club Med....their saucy ads portend a 2 week delight of debauchery, debutantes and delicacies....

I was on 49th avenue....Look.....Its Goldman's menswear....they sound like a great place to shop........I strolled in...willing to be styled in the fashion for the day...

The sales guy greeted me warmly...."How can I help you today..?"

"My good man..." ..."I am off for a  well needed vacation....Mexico.....I need something.....well.....to make me feel like I am on holiday....What do you suggest?"

Now...hindsight is always 20/20 and looking back on it I realize the sales guy saw my invisible name tag...it said..."Hi my name is Rube"....

"Have I got the clothes for you......, Polo's, Boat shoes.......and of course ....you will need dress pants.......this way sir...!!"

Sir?...I was in great hands....

He lead me to the back of the store to the pant racks...the special section for styling guys I thought........I was in deed in good hands...

"Sir...these Yellow (Canary) Linen Slacks will be the perfect pant for your holiday....great for dinner...".......

I was starting to daydream.....I could see it now.......I would waltz into the restaurant at Club Med......looking calm, confident and collected.....capable of being the man of "her" Club Med dreams.....

"Sold!" I said..

$300 lighter I walked out of the store...confident in my choice of attire.......dreaming of a sex filled romp on some nameless Mexican beach with some nameless Blonde professional from Connecticut or Georgia....some State where I would never visit and where it would be too inconvenient to keep up a long distance relationship........perfect holiday romance......all attributed to my suave nature and smashing new clothes...

I went home...one day left of work before my much needed break.....

Friday morning came early......preluded by a night of dreams of tropical romance and warm breezes....

"I know"...I said to myself as I got ready for work......."I'll show those jackals at work how much I won't miss them...I will wear my new outfit to work....in this rain soaked climate I will show them what I will be doing for the next 2 weeks....basking in the heat of the sun and sex.....they will be.....Jealous!"....

With that in mind...I got dressed and went to work......

I knew that something was amiss within 15 seconds of entering the office........an unusual hush from a generally manic workplace descended as I entered.....I hear the whispers.....

Casey, my most trusted co-worker, came right out and said....." Graham...what the fuck are you thinking......?" laughter peppering his each syllable......" Nice yellow pants....Hey Lenny....look at The Slab.....Yellow Pants!"....

For that morning.....there would be no mercy........I was a brightly colorful target......I took an early lunch and went home and changed....

Fast forward 3 days.......

I have traveled 4 hours through the sweltering heat of a Mexican jungle on a bus loaded with big-boned girls from the American Midwest.....long before reaching Club Med I knew.....the last thing I should have worn in this place was pants....let alone Canary Yellow ones...!

Arriving in Club Med my last vestiges of a sex romp in the jungle were shattered.......

The Club Med brochure clearly alluded to days of fun in the sun and nights of warm sticky romps..... the days to be one of scuba diving, snorkeling and volleyball...all in a mixer with scantily clad, trim and fit beauties...the nights....a moist mixture of dancing, drinking and dining leading up to a pairing off for non-committed sex..(or even a menage et trois....almost guaranteed said the brochure..after all Club Med is FRENCH!) ....but......

It was not to be.......apparently I had booked my Club Med vacation on the same week as Jenny Craig's convention and the alumnae event of Girls of the 4-H ......even if I had wanted unmitigated sex with or without the aid of my "lust be assured yellow pants" after a few days in this jungle bungle I was quite certain I would not be staying .....it was not at all what I had anticipated....!

I decided I was going to leave Club Med..........get a room in Peurto Vallarta......salvage the rest of the vacation..... ..PV...where I would be away from the teeming throngs of raw-boned maidens from Minnesota who aside from the promise of promiscuity were there (at Club Med) as much for the unlimited buffet and endless shrimp plates...!

But what about the $300 Canary Yellow pants......what could I do to get mileage out of this handsomely tailored but unfortunately colored pair of pastel pants?

I know......take pictures of my adventure.....

So..... I set about on my last day at Club Med to chronicle the adventure.....

I got on the Yellow pants and got out the camera and proceeded to capture the spirit of the place.....

I would don a scuba tank and flippers, all the while wearing my Yellow pants and have a stranger take a picture of me....(but only from the waist down) entering the water.......another of me squatting to return a volleyball....(again clad in yellow pants and only from the waist down)......and so went the day...the yellow pants pictures....in line for the buffet....on a wind surfer....the diving board.....in the disco......anything and everything I could think of...action Jackson goes to Club Med....only from the waist down...always in Yellow Pants..!

As the day came to a close....I was in the pool regaling the girl from Minneapolis about my collection of waist down images.......

I lamented the only thing I did not have was a picture of me in my Yellow pants alongside a naked woman...(of course me wearing the pants and she......au naturel!)

"No Way am I doing that!" she said........ten minutes later we were on her deck....her friend happily clicking away on the camera......her twin cities address in my hands ....a vague promise from me that I would send her copies of the shots.......

I spent the rest of the holiday in relative peace.......only with one oddly punctuated night where I climbed into a Mexican Taxi cab.....drunk and explaining I wanted to go to Senor Frogs..... only to catch the cabbie masturbating to a hand drawn flipbook of a couple having oral sex....... (I knew then, Mexico was truly a 3rd world country...) ........

I returned to the office and presented my Kodak moments....at least I got "some" laughs not at my expense.....

I still have those Yellow pants somewhere.........

Putting the fun in dysfunctional....The Chinese Way!

ALL OF THIS IS TRUE!

Ahhhh just putting the fun back in dysfunctional.....

I often wonder ...is it me....? seriously......I am entertained by the smallest things and find humour in things no one else does.....perhaps that is what I collect the odd picture...

Here's a couple of things

1) the Belt Buckle

Typical Chinese....I know that sounds racist and is.....for good sake there is 1.25 BILLION of them and they still haven't a clue...One of the things I do is make high end custom belt buckles...when looking for a new vendor I will always vet them to see if they understand the language or that we can set up a accurate communication....generally their letters start off with something businesslike, such as " Dear most excellent belt buckle maker...your name was given to us by a person who know's of your excellence in buckle rendering and we want to make friends to be in business with"....Now that we have step one out of the way I always ask for a sample of their work...the most recent one sent me the following...I shit you not...they said that this is an example of their best work....

I did not have the heart to explain why this is so wrong..

The  Next thing we did was supply lapel pins and metal craft...The factory I use has some tremendous skills in the field of metal work but their images for their site were very poor...I asked them if they could provide a sell sheet that hi-lited some of their better work. As they do a lot of military hardware , buttons and badges etc...they sent a note say they thought this might work.....They obviously did not know their is a number of Jewish people in this business.

I was also dealing with a company/factory in China who provides soft goods, bags, knapsacks etc. They wrote me and were quite excited about their new line of corporate animal costumes?...They were quite sure these would be a tremendous hit in The US corporate marketplace. I was unsure where they would fit so I asked them to send me a picture of what they had in mind. They sent the following and said it was their best seller in China....I am wondering what kind of Corporate gatherings China has...I especially like the giant nads.....?

The following is all true.......but cannot be topped by the woman I had working for me at my previous company...a lovely woman who shall remain nameless...only her initials will be named (Rosetta Ho)....Rosetta was a typical Asian ...highly loyal, great worker but everything must stay between the lines.....if there was an unusual or odd occurrence at work, on the way to work or home to work...she would be totally flummoxed.....One morning she came into the office and you could see that she was embarrassed....she said about 2 miles from work she heard a big clunk in her front wheel and the car jerked to the left....she did not want to stop to see what had happened (ie hit a child, etc) so she kept driving.....when she got to work she got me to come and look at her car......She had run over a curved pitchfork which had stuck into the tire and had not deflated it....she drove for 2 miles with it just as you see it......(I should have become a lawyer)....

Pulling Mrs. Chesson's arm hair...

Perhaps its the fever I am trying to work through....or the ache in my joints from the fever that has set my mind to wandering.....as I am apt to do...I often look back on moments in my life that I find funny...or embarrassing...or just plain old stupid...but today I am remembering a spring day in 1980.

I was in a band with my best friend and writing partner, Victor. (Victors last name is Zupanc and our first band when we were 15 consisted of Victor, his brother and 2 cousins....all Zupancs...it was called Z...or in Canada, Zed....I was the lone Scotsman...)

The band in 1980 was a local Victoria phenom call "The Tumours".....the motto was..."They'll grow on you..." ......these were far less politically correct times.....but I digress......


Spring 1980...The Tumours needed a place to practice...now any parent who has had their kids rock band play in their basement will tell you how awful it is......how many times can Louie, Louie or Taking Care of Business be slaughtered all the while inviting the ire of every neighbour within 1 block............so it was that The Tumours found themselves homeless........(again) ....however in a flash of brilliance Victor and I had an "aha" moment....Mrs. Chesson...! Mrs. Chesson was the mother of our other friends Richard and Al......she was one of those rare breeds of older ladies.......an easy mark.....(.at the time she was about 60....or so it seemed) and being a proper lady of good breeding she was all Tea and rounded tones......

She also had a odd dark side in that she smoked pot with us.....it was a little freaky at first to have The Queen come in for a toke while we're listening to Black Sabbath ....anyways I digress....... again....

So on that warm spring night, Victor and I decided we should talk kind-hearted, old, Mrs. Chesson into letting us use her basement for the band to practice in.......

Usually I am the one giving the pitch....doing the talk up....making the deal....but this night for whatever reason I took a backseat to Victor in this department......

My job was to shut up........we had been kicked out of a number of basements for noise complaints...."well duh...it IS a rock band after all..... "

The tableau of me, Victor, Mrs. Chesson and her 2 sons (...good friends of mine at the time....) ....Al and Richard is still burned into my mind.......

Imagine a warm June evening.....7 ish.......front stairs to her house.....perhaps 8 or 9 steps.....On the top steps stood her 2 sons Al and Richard.......2 steps below them, on a step to herself, Mrs Chesson.......and 2 steps below her, Victor and myself........on this summers night she was wearing a short sleeved shirt, her thin bird-like hands resting on her bony little old lady-like hips........Victor to my left was giving her the pitch..." Mrs. C...we will be very quiet...we will shut the practice down by 8 o'clock every night....we will not make a mess and to top it all off we will give you 450 each month...."...All of this was a well know lie...a ruse to get into the practice space.......once in...its hard to get rid of a band.........much like raccoons in the attic they can be very testy and assume this is THEIR place.......anyways....I was listening...more or less to Victor give the pitch......I could see she was nodding in the affirmative....she was buying in...bonus...!.....

I am not sure if it was a residual pot hangover or just that I was mildly moronic that made me do what came next.........as I was 2 steps below the step that Mrs. Chesson stood on my head was pretty much eye level to her forearm......as it seemed Victor had the situation well in hand and no one was paying me any attention my mind felt free to wander.........I looked at her forearm......It had long strands of Black hair growing from it.......my inner dialogue spoke up....."hmmm...I said to myself....She has a cat....a Black cat at that....and it appears to me that she has a cat's fur ball on her arm....betcha she doesn't know its there....I know....I will help her out.....I will pull it off and let her discretely know I did so...saving her any embarrassment of having a cats fur ball dangling on her forearm..........with no warning....and no one watching me....I gingerly reached up....grabbed the forelock of Black hair and gave it it a good tug........"

"Ouch" she screamed.....it was fucking attached...! OMG.....what the fuck have I just done.....Her sons....looked at me in abject horror...."Why are you pulling my mothers arm hair" they asked......Victor looked at me in stunned silence......as if to say...."What the fuck are you doing..."........I could only stammer......."I thought it was a fur ball..."........not a great reply...but the only one that was available to me at the moment.........I looked down at my thumb and forefinger....3 lonely black strands of her arm hair still clutched between them........I felt myself turning beet red.......

Mrs. Chesson (who was a direct descendant of Stanley, the famed African bible thumper from the "Dr. Livingstone I presume...." moment in time...." was overly nice about the whole thing....she started to apologize.....(?) "I know dear....its alright...Its my fault I have arm hair....I should really pluck it out...."well this only made things worse....I now had to say....no its my fault...it is your hair after all........after a few awkward moments....and some shuffling of shoes on the stairs as we all tried to find the next sentence to carry us out of this abyss......I spoke up......."So...can we practice in your basement.....?" .....

The answer was "yes".......