It's interesting how this has all unfurled......perhaps the best way to show what I mean is through allegory.......and so here goes..
As a kid there was a board game called Careers.....
The rules were simple.....we had 3 elements to choose from and with which to make a combination of a 100 points....this combination of Stars (Fame), $ signs (for money) and Hearts (for Happiness) was yours to choose.....
As a young man.....in my late teens and early 20's.... if I were to have picked my combination it would have been heavily weighted with hearts.....and less so with fame and money.....
I believed then, as I do now, in the power of the heart........it served me well.....when I listened to it...
Something happened to me when I was 20.......someone I believed in....someone who held my heart and soul in their hands betrayed me.....like a compass without magnetic north I spun out towards anything else that seemed safe...anything else where my heart was not in play......
In my later 20's, 30's and 40's.....my Careers combination changed drastically......the reasons were as simple as they are complex..... but to simplify.....a collision of many factors perhaps.....it was the 80's and greed was good.....I was kneeling at the altar of perpetual cash and my prayers were coming true.....my Careers combination was one of a life being heavily weighted with $ signs and Stars.......my heart.... was left to fend for itself......
after all ...it had not protected me from what had happened......perhaps my reason...my unfailing intellect would guide me through this game of life.....I could reason my way through the rapids and eddy's.....the smooth passages and the roiling whitewater......I would think my moves through.....each one calculated to build upon the next.....each choice predicated by the opportunities available......or so I thought.....
Each step along this path was one where reason and logic drove me to the outcome...bigger rewards, better cars, more of...well......more.....
Not once in all this time did I walk to the road and look down a ways.......not once in all of this time did I check in with my heart on a decision......Not one single scintilla of a moment....Not once......save for the birth and life of my daughters....
And I paid for it......
The heart is like a pebble in your shoe......it never really goes away......it can't....so it rests against your heel, occasionally stabbing you with pain, creating blisters and callouses...if for no other reason I supposed, than to remind you its still there.....
Now...in all of these times....I had my share of successes..... and failures.......to be sure
But as I now look back on them.....I see the pattern......just a plainly as one can....... my failures were not failures of the intellect....they were failures of the heart.......a failure to use my heart.....and a failure of not using my heart enough....after all...the heart is a muscle......the more it is used...the more it has muscle memory........the more it is used I found out....the more it is to be trusted......
So here I now stand.....in front of you....in front of me....in front of all who care to listen and look.......and say quite clearly....I am about to make another combination of life that will serve me well as I move forward........My dance card is empty........my Career combination is full of hearts with still enough $ signs to make it worthwhile (fame can wait...overrated) ...so I ask you......would you join me in a dance....long and slow.....punctuated only with tender kisses and a realization that we will never have this chance again.....
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Starting Over.
Starting over....is it failure or fruition?
Really, of all of the challenges we face in our lives that involve other people it is the starting over that requires us to face our greatest fears and self doubt.
We ask ourselves so many questions...are we a failure at what we once had and are now moving away from?...or are we a serial crazy person unable to maintain our focus on one world, moving like grazing cattle from one relationship to the next?...or are we reinventing ourselves to best match our needs as our needs change and evolve......?
What are our needs?
Needs are what feeds our soul engine. It may sound odd to say that, but truly if you think about it, it is true.
Our soul engine, if you will, is the vessel which we draw from, to offer to others in our life, our best words, actions and feelings.
I use the words soul engine, not for its religious connotations but more as a word set to best describe what it is in ourselves that collects and disseminates our experiences and feelings and turns it into meaningful actions....
Our soul engine (for example), is what helps us to not only express to our kids what is good and bad..(that knowledge of Good and Bad comes from experience) but our soul engine gives us the ability to express to them why something is....in a manner in which we can help them to understand why we feel as we do......the logic being, we can tell them that crossing the street without looking is wrong....but when we look them in the eye and they see our soul letting them know that we really do care.......the soul.....makes the message make sense.....
For better or worse...the soul engine is seemingly a vessel that needs refilling....the most effective way is to do this daily by being with and around others who inspire, reading, experiencing and otherwise experiencing positive (and less so, negative) input.
In a relationship ..by its very definition, this "refilling" comes from being with a person who truly meets your inner needs........we spend so much of our life concerned about the outer needs....his/her genetics, their stature in the eyes of others etc....these are all admirable qualities and needed virtues, but ultimately it is not the best fuel for our souls........it leaves us hungry....always....
Oh yes....we can say that we can do all of this filling on our own....we don't need anyone etc.....but in my experience...the people with the most to give...the richest source of soul engine fuel...if you will...are those who actively engage with others in an intimate way.......taking and feeding from their words and input....
So what to do when we are no longer having our needs met and our soul engine is not being filled?....do we stay?...or start over...?
It is true.....on rare occasions that once the heart is lost in a relationship it can be rekindled.......but its also more often true........that this does not happen?.....the outcome of a relationship stymied is a soul engine in depletion......slowly but ever so certainly, running down like an unwound clock..........and then, there we stand.....
When we question our choices and voice our concerns....is he right for me?....am I getting what I need?.......all those type of questions that rise to the surface are not as a result of the others person failure, but by our own failure to surround ourselves with another (or others) who fill our soul engine as we need it done......so....do we see the end of something as a failure......or a fruition...? Did we fail to make the relationship work...? Or did the components and fuel of the relationship fail to fill our soul engine?
So....do we stay...or start over?
Really, of all of the challenges we face in our lives that involve other people it is the starting over that requires us to face our greatest fears and self doubt.
We ask ourselves so many questions...are we a failure at what we once had and are now moving away from?...or are we a serial crazy person unable to maintain our focus on one world, moving like grazing cattle from one relationship to the next?...or are we reinventing ourselves to best match our needs as our needs change and evolve......?
What are our needs?
Needs are what feeds our soul engine. It may sound odd to say that, but truly if you think about it, it is true.
Our soul engine, if you will, is the vessel which we draw from, to offer to others in our life, our best words, actions and feelings.
I use the words soul engine, not for its religious connotations but more as a word set to best describe what it is in ourselves that collects and disseminates our experiences and feelings and turns it into meaningful actions....
Our soul engine (for example), is what helps us to not only express to our kids what is good and bad..(that knowledge of Good and Bad comes from experience) but our soul engine gives us the ability to express to them why something is....in a manner in which we can help them to understand why we feel as we do......the logic being, we can tell them that crossing the street without looking is wrong....but when we look them in the eye and they see our soul letting them know that we really do care.......the soul.....makes the message make sense.....
For better or worse...the soul engine is seemingly a vessel that needs refilling....the most effective way is to do this daily by being with and around others who inspire, reading, experiencing and otherwise experiencing positive (and less so, negative) input.
In a relationship ..by its very definition, this "refilling" comes from being with a person who truly meets your inner needs........we spend so much of our life concerned about the outer needs....his/her genetics, their stature in the eyes of others etc....these are all admirable qualities and needed virtues, but ultimately it is not the best fuel for our souls........it leaves us hungry....always....
Oh yes....we can say that we can do all of this filling on our own....we don't need anyone etc.....but in my experience...the people with the most to give...the richest source of soul engine fuel...if you will...are those who actively engage with others in an intimate way.......taking and feeding from their words and input....
So what to do when we are no longer having our needs met and our soul engine is not being filled?....do we stay?...or start over...?
It is true.....on rare occasions that once the heart is lost in a relationship it can be rekindled.......but its also more often true........that this does not happen?.....the outcome of a relationship stymied is a soul engine in depletion......slowly but ever so certainly, running down like an unwound clock..........and then, there we stand.....
When we question our choices and voice our concerns....is he right for me?....am I getting what I need?.......all those type of questions that rise to the surface are not as a result of the others person failure, but by our own failure to surround ourselves with another (or others) who fill our soul engine as we need it done......so....do we see the end of something as a failure......or a fruition...? Did we fail to make the relationship work...? Or did the components and fuel of the relationship fail to fill our soul engine?
So....do we stay...or start over?
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Yellow Pants and The Great Holiday Photo's
In 1985 I was 26 and had pockets full of cash.
I was also working in a very stressful environment...the music business......in the business you would work like a crazed dog until you hit the wall....one day after hitting the wall...the owners would come to your office and suggest...no....insist that you take a holiday........."not now" they would say..."but right fucking now......"
I hit the wall on a Tuesday....by Wednesday I had booked a couple of weeks in a Club Med 4 hours south of Puerto Vallarta ,Mexico.
On Thursday morning I was shopping for clothes and supplies for the looming holiday...
I was driving around looking for clothes....I needed something spiffy...this was after all, the era of Don Johnson and Miami Vice.....and I was going to Club Med....their saucy ads portend a 2 week delight of debauchery, debutantes and delicacies....
I was on 49th avenue....Look.....Its Goldman's menswear....they sound like a great place to shop........I strolled in...willing to be styled in the fashion for the day...
The sales guy greeted me warmly...."How can I help you today..?"
"My good man..." ..."I am off for a well needed vacation....Mexico.....I need something.....well.....to make me feel like I am on holiday....What do you suggest?"
Now...hindsight is always 20/20 and looking back on it I realize the sales guy saw my invisible name tag...it said..."Hi my name is Rube"....
"Have I got the clothes for you......, Polo's, Boat shoes.......and of course ....you will need dress pants.......this way sir...!!"
Sir?...I was in great hands....
He lead me to the back of the store to the pant racks...the special section for styling guys I thought........I was in deed in good hands...
"Sir...these Yellow (Canary) Linen Slacks will be the perfect pant for your holiday....great for dinner...".......
I was starting to daydream.....I could see it now.......I would waltz into the restaurant at Club Med......looking calm, confident and collected.....capable of being the man of "her" Club Med dreams.....
"Sold!" I said..
$300 lighter I walked out of the store...confident in my choice of attire.......dreaming of a sex filled romp on some nameless Mexican beach with some nameless Blonde professional from Connecticut or Georgia....some State where I would never visit and where it would be too inconvenient to keep up a long distance relationship........perfect holiday romance......all attributed to my suave nature and smashing new clothes...
I went home...one day left of work before my much needed break.....
Friday morning came early......preluded by a night of dreams of tropical romance and warm breezes....
"I know"...I said to myself as I got ready for work......."I'll show those jackals at work how much I won't miss them...I will wear my new outfit to work....in this rain soaked climate I will show them what I will be doing for the next 2 weeks....basking in the heat of the sun and sex.....they will be.....Jealous!"....
With that in mind...I got dressed and went to work......
I knew that something was amiss within 15 seconds of entering the office........an unusual hush from a generally manic workplace descended as I entered.....I hear the whispers.....
Casey, my most trusted co-worker, came right out and said....." Graham...what the fuck are you thinking......?" laughter peppering his each syllable......" Nice yellow pants....Hey Lenny....look at The Slab.....Yellow Pants!"....
For that morning.....there would be no mercy........I was a brightly colorful target......I took an early lunch and went home and changed....
Fast forward 3 days.......
I have traveled 4 hours through the sweltering heat of a Mexican jungle on a bus loaded with big-boned girls from the American Midwest.....long before reaching Club Med I knew.....the last thing I should have worn in this place was pants....let alone Canary Yellow ones...!
Arriving in Club Med my last vestiges of a sex romp in the jungle were shattered.......
The Club Med brochure clearly alluded to days of fun in the sun and nights of warm sticky romps..... the days to be one of scuba diving, snorkeling and volleyball...all in a mixer with scantily clad, trim and fit beauties...the nights....a moist mixture of dancing, drinking and dining leading up to a pairing off for non-committed sex..(or even a menage et trois....almost guaranteed said the brochure..after all Club Med is FRENCH!) ....but......
It was not to be.......apparently I had booked my Club Med vacation on the same week as Jenny Craig's convention and the alumnae event of Girls of the 4-H ......even if I had wanted unmitigated sex with or without the aid of my "lust be assured yellow pants" after a few days in this jungle bungle I was quite certain I would not be staying .....it was not at all what I had anticipated....!
I decided I was going to leave Club Med..........get a room in Peurto Vallarta......salvage the rest of the vacation..... ..PV...where I would be away from the teeming throngs of raw-boned maidens from Minnesota who aside from the promise of promiscuity were there (at Club Med) as much for the unlimited buffet and endless shrimp plates...!
But what about the $300 Canary Yellow pants......what could I do to get mileage out of this handsomely tailored but unfortunately colored pair of pastel pants?
I know......take pictures of my adventure.....
So..... I set about on my last day at Club Med to chronicle the adventure.....
I got on the Yellow pants and got out the camera and proceeded to capture the spirit of the place.....
I would don a scuba tank and flippers, all the while wearing my Yellow pants and have a stranger take a picture of me....(but only from the waist down) entering the water.......another of me squatting to return a volleyball....(again clad in yellow pants and only from the waist down)......and so went the day...the yellow pants pictures....in line for the buffet....on a wind surfer....the diving board.....in the disco......anything and everything I could think of...action Jackson goes to Club Med....only from the waist down...always in Yellow Pants..!
As the day came to a close....I was in the pool regaling the girl from Minneapolis about my collection of waist down images.......
I lamented the only thing I did not have was a picture of me in my Yellow pants alongside a naked woman...(of course me wearing the pants and she......au naturel!)
"No Way am I doing that!" she said........ten minutes later we were on her deck....her friend happily clicking away on the camera......her twin cities address in my hands ....a vague promise from me that I would send her copies of the shots.......
I spent the rest of the holiday in relative peace.......only with one oddly punctuated night where I climbed into a Mexican Taxi cab.....drunk and explaining I wanted to go to Senor Frogs..... only to catch the cabbie masturbating to a hand drawn flipbook of a couple having oral sex....... (I knew then, Mexico was truly a 3rd world country...) ........
I returned to the office and presented my Kodak moments....at least I got "some" laughs not at my expense.....
I still have those Yellow pants somewhere.........
I was also working in a very stressful environment...the music business......in the business you would work like a crazed dog until you hit the wall....one day after hitting the wall...the owners would come to your office and suggest...no....insist that you take a holiday........."not now" they would say..."but right fucking now......"
I hit the wall on a Tuesday....by Wednesday I had booked a couple of weeks in a Club Med 4 hours south of Puerto Vallarta ,Mexico.
On Thursday morning I was shopping for clothes and supplies for the looming holiday...
I was driving around looking for clothes....I needed something spiffy...this was after all, the era of Don Johnson and Miami Vice.....and I was going to Club Med....their saucy ads portend a 2 week delight of debauchery, debutantes and delicacies....
I was on 49th avenue....Look.....Its Goldman's menswear....they sound like a great place to shop........I strolled in...willing to be styled in the fashion for the day...
The sales guy greeted me warmly...."How can I help you today..?"
"My good man..." ..."I am off for a well needed vacation....Mexico.....I need something.....well.....to make me feel like I am on holiday....What do you suggest?"
Now...hindsight is always 20/20 and looking back on it I realize the sales guy saw my invisible name tag...it said..."Hi my name is Rube"....
"Have I got the clothes for you......, Polo's, Boat shoes.......and of course ....you will need dress pants.......this way sir...!!"
Sir?...I was in great hands....
He lead me to the back of the store to the pant racks...the special section for styling guys I thought........I was in deed in good hands...
"Sir...these Yellow (Canary) Linen Slacks will be the perfect pant for your holiday....great for dinner...".......
I was starting to daydream.....I could see it now.......I would waltz into the restaurant at Club Med......looking calm, confident and collected.....capable of being the man of "her" Club Med dreams.....
"Sold!" I said..
$300 lighter I walked out of the store...confident in my choice of attire.......dreaming of a sex filled romp on some nameless Mexican beach with some nameless Blonde professional from Connecticut or Georgia....some State where I would never visit and where it would be too inconvenient to keep up a long distance relationship........perfect holiday romance......all attributed to my suave nature and smashing new clothes...
I went home...one day left of work before my much needed break.....
Friday morning came early......preluded by a night of dreams of tropical romance and warm breezes....
"I know"...I said to myself as I got ready for work......."I'll show those jackals at work how much I won't miss them...I will wear my new outfit to work....in this rain soaked climate I will show them what I will be doing for the next 2 weeks....basking in the heat of the sun and sex.....they will be.....Jealous!"....
With that in mind...I got dressed and went to work......
I knew that something was amiss within 15 seconds of entering the office........an unusual hush from a generally manic workplace descended as I entered.....I hear the whispers.....
Casey, my most trusted co-worker, came right out and said....." Graham...what the fuck are you thinking......?" laughter peppering his each syllable......" Nice yellow pants....Hey Lenny....look at The Slab.....Yellow Pants!"....
For that morning.....there would be no mercy........I was a brightly colorful target......I took an early lunch and went home and changed....
Fast forward 3 days.......
I have traveled 4 hours through the sweltering heat of a Mexican jungle on a bus loaded with big-boned girls from the American Midwest.....long before reaching Club Med I knew.....the last thing I should have worn in this place was pants....let alone Canary Yellow ones...!
Arriving in Club Med my last vestiges of a sex romp in the jungle were shattered.......
The Club Med brochure clearly alluded to days of fun in the sun and nights of warm sticky romps..... the days to be one of scuba diving, snorkeling and volleyball...all in a mixer with scantily clad, trim and fit beauties...the nights....a moist mixture of dancing, drinking and dining leading up to a pairing off for non-committed sex..(or even a menage et trois....almost guaranteed said the brochure..after all Club Med is FRENCH!) ....but......
It was not to be.......apparently I had booked my Club Med vacation on the same week as Jenny Craig's convention and the alumnae event of Girls of the 4-H ......even if I had wanted unmitigated sex with or without the aid of my "lust be assured yellow pants" after a few days in this jungle bungle I was quite certain I would not be staying .....it was not at all what I had anticipated....!
I decided I was going to leave Club Med..........get a room in Peurto Vallarta......salvage the rest of the vacation..... ..PV...where I would be away from the teeming throngs of raw-boned maidens from Minnesota who aside from the promise of promiscuity were there (at Club Med) as much for the unlimited buffet and endless shrimp plates...!
But what about the $300 Canary Yellow pants......what could I do to get mileage out of this handsomely tailored but unfortunately colored pair of pastel pants?
I know......take pictures of my adventure.....
So..... I set about on my last day at Club Med to chronicle the adventure.....
I got on the Yellow pants and got out the camera and proceeded to capture the spirit of the place.....
I would don a scuba tank and flippers, all the while wearing my Yellow pants and have a stranger take a picture of me....(but only from the waist down) entering the water.......another of me squatting to return a volleyball....(again clad in yellow pants and only from the waist down)......and so went the day...the yellow pants pictures....in line for the buffet....on a wind surfer....the diving board.....in the disco......anything and everything I could think of...action Jackson goes to Club Med....only from the waist down...always in Yellow Pants..!
As the day came to a close....I was in the pool regaling the girl from Minneapolis about my collection of waist down images.......
I lamented the only thing I did not have was a picture of me in my Yellow pants alongside a naked woman...(of course me wearing the pants and she......au naturel!)
"No Way am I doing that!" she said........ten minutes later we were on her deck....her friend happily clicking away on the camera......her twin cities address in my hands ....a vague promise from me that I would send her copies of the shots.......
I spent the rest of the holiday in relative peace.......only with one oddly punctuated night where I climbed into a Mexican Taxi cab.....drunk and explaining I wanted to go to Senor Frogs..... only to catch the cabbie masturbating to a hand drawn flipbook of a couple having oral sex....... (I knew then, Mexico was truly a 3rd world country...) ........
I returned to the office and presented my Kodak moments....at least I got "some" laughs not at my expense.....
I still have those Yellow pants somewhere.........
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