In 1985 I was 26 and had pockets full of cash.
I was also working in a very stressful environment...the music business......in the business you would work like a crazed dog until you hit the wall....one day after hitting the wall...the owners would come to your office and suggest...no....insist that you take a holiday........."not now" they would say..."but right fucking now......"
I hit the wall on a Tuesday....by Wednesday I had booked a couple of weeks in a Club Med 4 hours south of Puerto Vallarta ,Mexico.
On Thursday morning I was shopping for clothes and supplies for the looming holiday...
I was driving around looking for clothes....I needed something spiffy...this was after all, the era of Don Johnson and Miami Vice.....and I was going to Club Med....their saucy ads portend a 2 week delight of debauchery, debutantes and delicacies....
I was on 49th avenue....Look.....Its Goldman's menswear....they sound like a great place to shop........I strolled in...willing to be styled in the fashion for the day...
The sales guy greeted me warmly...."How can I help you today..?"
"My good man..." ..."I am off for a well needed vacation....Mexico.....I need something.....well.....to make me feel like I am on holiday....What do you suggest?"
Now...hindsight is always 20/20 and looking back on it I realize the sales guy saw my invisible name tag...it said..."Hi my name is Rube"....
"Have I got the clothes for you......, Polo's, Boat shoes.......and of course ....you will need dress pants.......this way sir...!!"
Sir?...I was in great hands....
He lead me to the back of the store to the pant racks...the special section for styling guys I thought........I was in deed in good hands...
"Sir...these Yellow (Canary) Linen Slacks will be the perfect pant for your holiday....great for dinner...".......
I was starting to daydream.....I could see it now.......I would waltz into the restaurant at Club Med......looking calm, confident and collected.....capable of being the man of "her" Club Med dreams.....
"Sold!" I said..
$300 lighter I walked out of the store...confident in my choice of attire.......dreaming of a sex filled romp on some nameless Mexican beach with some nameless Blonde professional from Connecticut or Georgia....some State where I would never visit and where it would be too inconvenient to keep up a long distance relationship........perfect holiday romance......all attributed to my suave nature and smashing new clothes...
I went home...one day left of work before my much needed break.....
Friday morning came early......preluded by a night of dreams of tropical romance and warm breezes....
"I know"...I said to myself as I got ready for work......."I'll show those jackals at work how much I won't miss them...I will wear my new outfit to work....in this rain soaked climate I will show them what I will be doing for the next 2 weeks....basking in the heat of the sun and sex.....they will be.....Jealous!"....
With that in mind...I got dressed and went to work......
I knew that something was amiss within 15 seconds of entering the office........an unusual hush from a generally manic workplace descended as I entered.....I hear the whispers.....
Casey, my most trusted co-worker, came right out and said....." Graham...what the fuck are you thinking......?" laughter peppering his each syllable......" Nice yellow pants....Hey Lenny....look at The Slab.....Yellow Pants!"....
For that morning.....there would be no mercy........I was a brightly colorful target......I took an early lunch and went home and changed....
Fast forward 3 days.......
I have traveled 4 hours through the sweltering heat of a Mexican jungle on a bus loaded with big-boned girls from the American Midwest.....long before reaching Club Med I knew.....the last thing I should have worn in this place was pants....let alone Canary Yellow ones...!
Arriving in Club Med my last vestiges of a sex romp in the jungle were shattered.......
The Club Med brochure clearly alluded to days of fun in the sun and nights of warm sticky romps..... the days to be one of scuba diving, snorkeling and volleyball...all in a mixer with scantily clad, trim and fit beauties...the nights....a moist mixture of dancing, drinking and dining leading up to a pairing off for non-committed sex..(or even a menage et trois....almost guaranteed said the brochure..after all Club Med is FRENCH!) ....but......
It was not to be.......apparently I had booked my Club Med vacation on the same week as Jenny Craig's convention and the alumnae event of Girls of the 4-H ......even if I had wanted unmitigated sex with or without the aid of my "lust be assured yellow pants" after a few days in this jungle bungle I was quite certain I would not be staying .....it was not at all what I had anticipated....!
I decided I was going to leave Club Med..........get a room in Peurto Vallarta......salvage the rest of the vacation..... ..PV...where I would be away from the teeming throngs of raw-boned maidens from Minnesota who aside from the promise of promiscuity were there (at Club Med) as much for the unlimited buffet and endless shrimp plates...!
But what about the $300 Canary Yellow pants......what could I do to get mileage out of this handsomely tailored but unfortunately colored pair of pastel pants?
I know......take pictures of my adventure.....
So..... I set about on my last day at Club Med to chronicle the adventure.....
I got on the Yellow pants and got out the camera and proceeded to capture the spirit of the place.....
I would don a scuba tank and flippers, all the while wearing my Yellow pants and have a stranger take a picture of me....(but only from the waist down) entering the water.......another of me squatting to return a volleyball....(again clad in yellow pants and only from the waist down)......and so went the day...the yellow pants pictures....in line for the buffet....on a wind surfer....the diving board.....in the disco......anything and everything I could think of...action Jackson goes to Club Med....only from the waist down...always in Yellow Pants..!
As the day came to a close....I was in the pool regaling the girl from Minneapolis about my collection of waist down images.......
I lamented the only thing I did not have was a picture of me in my Yellow pants alongside a naked woman...(of course me wearing the pants and she......au naturel!)
"No Way am I doing that!" she said........ten minutes later we were on her deck....her friend happily clicking away on the camera......her twin cities address in my hands ....a vague promise from me that I would send her copies of the shots.......
I spent the rest of the holiday in relative peace.......only with one oddly punctuated night where I climbed into a Mexican Taxi cab.....drunk and explaining I wanted to go to Senor Frogs..... only to catch the cabbie masturbating to a hand drawn flipbook of a couple having oral sex....... (I knew then, Mexico was truly a 3rd world country...) ........
I returned to the office and presented my Kodak moments....at least I got "some" laughs not at my expense.....
I still have those Yellow pants somewhere.........
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