The Plane

 

The Plane,

 

It never ceases to amaze me how stupid I can get sometimes. Even with the best of intentions in the most honest of hearts I can still dig a hole then I can't get out of. The most recent example of that was a trip on WestJet airlines leaving Mexico heading for home let me explain.

 

My girlfriend at the time, Julie, and I've gone to Huatalco in the South Mexico. We've been there a couple of weeks and it was time for us to head home. Now here is where my own problems started to take it shape.

 

I booked the flight book seeding, some unknown reason I thought that many people on this lane and we could just pick our seats when we got to the gate. Apparently I was wrong. What in fact happened is that you never separated by about 3 rows and you obviously think next to each other. In the of little deeds to the name of relationships this is certainly in the top 10.

 

On top of this Julie had gotten a touch of montezuma's revenge AKA diarrhea a couple of days prior to the flight I of course, like the dutiful boyfriend I was make sure that we got all the did auctions to control dia prime the flight. The diarrhea was pretty much on control as we were bringing and I didn't really give it a whole lot of thought but what I'm getting and now here's where I get into evil, I did think that I would wait till we get on board the airplane and you're so pleasant WestJet flight attendant would help us to sit next to each other 5 hour flight back.

 

Everywhere all loaded onto the plane and the flight Mama looked suspiciously like monkey wrestling teacher, was next to me as I was seated. I gently Mr. elbow in an effort to gather her attention. She looked at me with those ever so pleasant Harry Reid angry an underpaid flight attendant eyes and said to me what do you want?

 

I said my girlfriend Julie who's right over there three seats back and I'd like to sit together and I was hoping that you could do me a favor and ask the passenger next to her if they would mind swapping. She then, very sternly and quite loud sad why?

 

Instead of saying that I was an idiot and hadn't actually booked the seats together I decided that I would let her in on the little truth that Julie had a bit of an upset stomach an that sitting next to me would comfort her on the journey home, I thought this might appeal to her humanity Anne would help to make the seat change arrangement. I was wrong !

 

Instead what the ever so effervescent flight attendant did was throw her hands in the air and yell at the top of her lungs stop the plane we have a medical emergency, stop the plane we have a medical emergency!!

 

With this announcement the entire back half of the airplane scrambled to look around and crane their heads and next looking for someone who was in obvious distress perhaps with a heart attack a stroke or some other life threatening injury where this proclamation would seem an appropriate action to take. Pastors, were saying who what what's the problem who said and the the WestJet flight attendant pointed at Julie and said in a not so quiet voice that woman there is ill exclamation we need a doctor!

 

At this point in time I was trying to grab the attention of the flight attendant to say no no no she's fine she just had a little stomach upset an I'm looking at Julie and Julie is looking back at me with eyes that would essentially say this will probably be our last trip ever and at the same time a man 3 rows behind Julie stood up and said I'm a doctor I can help and got out of his seat Ann went to the side where Julie was sitting at this point Julie was saying I I'm fine there's nothing here I just had a little upset stomach and at that point once again the flight attendant yelled to front cabin stop the plane we need another doctor on board good even I in my limited way new that the do do I was in was far deeper than I was ever going to get out of.

 

The plane quickly stopped and then crawled the 30 feet back to the jetway and I assume, not being in the pilots cabin, they phoned the terminal Anne had a doctor come to the airport. At this point Julie was claiming she was 100% healthy people around her who probably had a percentage of them with their own montezuma's revenge we're starting to say don't worry it'll all be OK another such reassuring platitudes and we waited half an hour well one of the local doctors got on board and came down the aisle to where Julie was sitting. Needless to say a number of things were taking place.

 

Firstly it was smoking hot outside and the air conditioning was not on so the plane was at about a temperature that McDonald's uses to keep their hamburgers warm and two people were now complaining they wouldn't make their connection and that this flight was now going to take an extra hour and people were getting upset, so was Julie with me.

 

The local doctor along with the doctor passenger both looked at Julie and asked her a few questions presumably one such as are you currently pooping your pants or have you been to South Central Africa and been exposed to ebola or any other number of ridiculous questions and of course people were leaning in to hear the answers 'cause we're on a plane and Julie was near tears and also New York wanting to claw my eyes out. Finally after 30 minutes the ever bulldog flight attendant declared the a medical emergency was over, once again in a very loud voice and the doctor left and we started back on our trip home to Vancouver.

 

During the flight, which was six hours, I made a couple of attempts to walk over to Julie and apologize and while doing so I could hear bouzan hices directed at my way. Julie was in no way open to a conversation. It was a frosty trip home.

 

I guess the moral of this story is simple, don't get involved in other people's shit.

 

First night in Bangkok

 

First night in Bangkok

 

At age 66 I decided it was now or never to start ticking off what was left of my bucket list items.

 

One of the big ones on my list was to go to Southeast Asia for the winter and so I decided that after probably the toughest year of my life that I would pull out all the stops Anne head 2 Thailand, Vietnam and more.

 

I even splurged, getting a business class flight which was spectacular. Got on the plane at midnight in Vancouver took a sleeping pill, eat dinner, laid fully down and slept for 12 hours waking up to have breakfast and then very shortly land in Hong Kong. A 14 hour flight that literally went by well I slept. I then took a short 2 1/2 hour hop from Hong Kong to Bangkok arriving at 3:00 PM Bangkok time.

 

I got into my hotel at around 4:30 and was really well rested and felt like I should go out, do a little shopping and check out the world around. I wanted to get a high end super clone watch Ann I'd heard that the MBK mall was a great place to find them as the entire mall with six floors and probably 300,000 square feet. It was also a great way to get my steps in following the back surgery. More on that in another post.

 

After shopping and walking I had a small bite to eat and went out in the street and hailed a cab.

 

As soon as I got in the cab two things happen, firstly the cab driver spoke no English and had no idea where he was going and secondly, as is always the case at this time of year in Bangkok a tropical downpour took place. You could hear the rain pummeling the top of the cab.

 

If any of you have ever been to any of the big Asian cities you will understand the traffic in the city of 20 to 30 million people is insane. I was in the cab no more than about 5 minutes trying to sort out where the cab driver could go and he was of course confused and gibbering in Thai well I gibbered in English. The traffic was 4 lanes wide and not moving anywhere.

 

Out of nowhere Anne with an urgency reserved for natural events such as a tsunami or 911 my bowels decided it was time to have the world's largest and most imminent diarrhea disaster ever known to mankind.

 

I yelled at the cab driver that I was about to foul my shorts and his cab and that he better pull over, immediately. All he could say is I think I know where the hotel is it's 10 minutes. To which I said, I have 10 seconds before I shit myself and everywhere nearby. All of this was lost in translation.

 

Yelled a few more times at him to pull over an I actually went to open the door and he locked it fearful that I was going to bolt the cab. I actually started to count down because I knew that what was about to happen was nowhere near have avoidable.

 

I said to him I need to get out in 10 seconds or less or I'm going to shit myself, to which he said, hotel 10 minutes away.

 

5, 4, 3, 2, 1 and then all hell broke loose. For a good 90 seconds I shat myself and his cab in a perfect liquid turd. I could feel it bubbling under and through my shorts over the waistband and out the legs.

 

I could feel it spraying down my legs and into my new Skechers, puddling across my back seat and cascading into the floor well. At the same time I was yelling at the non-english speaking cab driver to let me out so I could shit!

 

He looked back at me saying it was 10 more minutes to the hotel and at that very second the smell reached his nostrils and he realized he should have taken more care in his English class.

 

He immediately started to dry heave like no one I had ever seen before. He was dry retching, opening the window and opening the door well we were stuck in four lanes of traffic.

 

He immediately pulled over to the side, which is what I had wanted 3 minutes earlier, and I got out searching for the nearest wall and a nook or cranny. Now bear in mind, this is on bangkok's busiest St.

 

I got out drenched in the rain and covered from my waist to my shoes in what can best be described has a torrential shit storm.

 

I found a tiny little nook behind AWOL and as I was continuing to shit uncontrollably I pulled off my shorts and my underwear throwing the underwear somewhere and leaned up against the wall and continued to turd unrelentingly.

 

The monsoon rain was still driving down but my predicament required a car wash not a downpour to clean me up.

 

I threw back on my shorts and looked at myself and I was covered. I got back into the cab and sat in what can best be described as a shit puddle. At that point the cab driver had donned his COVID mask hoping that would prevent the smell. It did not!

 

He then went into a rant, understandably so, that I would pay to clean this up and he needed 3000 baht. Basically a months worth of pay. I said I would absolutely do so however he then kept repeating it and repeating it and repeating it and I gave him 500 baht every few minutes to make sure that he didn't just dump me before getting back to the hotel.

 

He got me to the hotel and looked at me with such disdain understandably so thinking to himself I should have continued at carpentry school.

 

I paid him the balance and got out of the taxi in front of my 5 star hotel and the ever present and ever friendly doorman started to give me the standard Thai greeting but got about 1/4 of the way in and seeing that I was covered in shit immediately opened the door an I dashed for the elevator. Someone tried to come into the elevator after I had entered but quickly took a look at me and said he would catch the next one.

 

Up I went to the third floor holding myself from expulsion until I got into my room, ran to the shower and let the remainder do its thing.

 

I spent a good 40 minutes in the shower cleaning, scrubbing and making myself, empty.

 

Finally, after the whole ordeal I crawled into bed and slept the night through.

 

Today, pretty much everything is gone and I am now at my lowest weight ever lol.

 

Fairly soon I am heading out to the drugstore to try and get some medicine to avoid this obvious problem in the future.

 

I have decided to never take a taxi again as I do not want to see this poor man yelling at me anymore. I also think that if I were to check the news and to see that a taxi had been burned to the ground in some insurance scam I would probably know the back story.

 

Anyways, that is my story from my first night in Bangkok. Not sure, that part of the trip was on the bucket list!