At age 66 I decided it was now or
never to start ticking off what was left of my bucket list items.
One of the big ones on my list was to
go to Southeast Asia for the winter and so I decided that after probably the
toughest year of my life that I would pull out all the stops Anne head 2
Thailand, Vietnam and more.
I even splurged, getting a business
class flight which was spectacular. Got on the plane at midnight in Vancouver
took a sleeping pill, eat dinner, laid fully down and slept for 12 hours waking
up to have breakfast and then very shortly land in Hong Kong. A 14 hour flight
that literally went by well I slept. I then took a short 2 1/2 hour hop from
Hong Kong to Bangkok arriving at 3:00 PM Bangkok time.
I got into my hotel at around 4:30
and was really well rested and felt like I should go out, do a little shopping
and check out the world around. I wanted to get a high end super clone watch
Ann I'd heard that the MBK mall was a great place to find them as the entire
mall with six floors and probably 300,000 square feet. It was also a great way
to get my steps in following the back surgery. More on that in another post.
After shopping and walking I had a
small bite to eat and went out in the street and hailed a cab.
As soon as I got in the cab two
things happen, firstly the cab driver spoke no English and had no idea where he
was going and secondly, as is always the case at this time of year in Bangkok a
tropical downpour took place. You could hear the rain pummeling the top of the
cab.
If any of you have ever been to any
of the big Asian cities you will understand the traffic in the city of 20 to 30
million people is insane. I was in the cab no more than about 5 minutes trying
to sort out where the cab driver could go and he was of course confused and
gibbering in Thai well I gibbered in English. The traffic was 4 lanes wide and
not moving anywhere.
Out of nowhere Anne with an urgency
reserved for natural events such as a tsunami or 911 my bowels decided it was
time to have the world's largest and most imminent diarrhea disaster ever known
to mankind.
I yelled at the cab driver that I was
about to foul my shorts and his cab and that he better pull over, immediately.
All he could say is I think I know where the hotel is it's 10 minutes. To which
I said, I have 10 seconds before I shit myself and everywhere nearby. All of
this was lost in translation.
Yelled a few more times at him to
pull over an I actually went to open the door and he locked it fearful that I
was going to bolt the cab. I actually started to count down because I knew that
what was about to happen was nowhere near have avoidable.
I said to him I need to get out in 10
seconds or less or I'm going to shit myself, to which he said, hotel 10 minutes
away.
5, 4, 3, 2, 1 and then all hell broke
loose. For a good 90 seconds I shat myself and his cab in a perfect liquid
turd. I could feel it bubbling under and through my shorts over the waistband
and out the legs.
I could feel it spraying down my legs
and into my new Skechers, puddling across my back seat and cascading into the
floor well. At the same time I was yelling at the non-english speaking cab
driver to let me out so I could shit!
He looked back at me saying it was 10
more minutes to the hotel and at that very second the smell reached his
nostrils and he realized he should have taken more care in his English class.
He immediately started to dry heave
like no one I had ever seen before. He was dry retching, opening the window and
opening the door well we were stuck in four lanes of traffic.
He immediately pulled over to the
side, which is what I had wanted 3 minutes earlier, and I got out searching for
the nearest wall and a nook or cranny. Now bear in mind, this is on bangkok's
busiest St.
I got out drenched in the rain and
covered from my waist to my shoes in what can best be described has a
torrential shit storm.
I found a tiny little nook behind
AWOL and as I was continuing to shit uncontrollably I pulled off my shorts and
my underwear throwing the underwear somewhere and leaned up against the wall
and continued to turd unrelentingly.
The monsoon rain was still driving
down but my predicament required a car wash not a downpour to clean me up.
I threw back on my shorts and looked
at myself and I was covered. I got back into the cab and sat in what can best
be described as a shit puddle. At that point the cab driver had donned his
COVID mask hoping that would prevent the smell. It did not!
He then went into a rant,
understandably so, that I would pay to clean this up and he needed 3000 baht. Basically
a months worth of pay. I said I would absolutely do so however he then kept
repeating it and repeating it and repeating it and I gave him 500 baht every
few minutes to make sure that he didn't just dump me before getting back to the
hotel.
He got me to the hotel and looked at
me with such disdain understandably so thinking to himself I should have
continued at carpentry school.
I paid him the balance and got out of
the taxi in front of my 5 star hotel and the ever present and ever friendly
doorman started to give me the standard Thai greeting but got about 1/4 of the
way in and seeing that I was covered in shit immediately opened the door an I
dashed for the elevator. Someone tried to come into the elevator after I had
entered but quickly took a look at me and said he would catch the next one.
Up I went to the third floor holding
myself from expulsion until I got into my room, ran to the shower and let the
remainder do its thing.
I spent a good 40 minutes in the
shower cleaning, scrubbing and making myself, empty.
Finally, after the whole ordeal I
crawled into bed and slept the night through.
Today, pretty much everything is gone
and I am now at my lowest weight ever lol.
Fairly soon I am heading out to the
drugstore to try and get some medicine to avoid this obvious problem in the
future.
I have decided to never take a taxi
again as I do not want to see this poor man yelling at me anymore. I also think
that if I were to check the news and to see that a taxi had been burned to the
ground in some insurance scam I would probably know the back story.
Anyways, that is my story from my
first night in Bangkok. Not sure, that part of the trip was on the bucket list!
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