Ok, ok....so some of the Catholics who may read this might be a little miffed..........but hey...its true.....so bite me...
Where does this story come from....
Once upon a time I married to a devout Catholic woman......(At he time she was not so devout.... drinking and partying......ok...maybe not partying....bit of a bore actually......but drinking a lot......come to think of that....she was just being a good Catholic...hmmmm) she is now a Catholic school teacher......we have 2 beautiful children.......redheads...girls.....
However...as life is sometime capable of doing..... a series of curve balls were thrown at the marriage......it broke up and we separated.....
Now..... most of you out there enjoying the bliss of a nasty divorce, generally only get to fight in a court of law.......arguing over important things such as.......who gets custody of the kids, who gets the timeshare in Podunk Idaho and the ownership of the Ron Popeil household appliance collection.......(as a side bar....notice the nifty legal jargon.......what the hell gets into people's heads when divorcing.......they spend about $5000 on lawyers to defend their ownership of a juicer....get over it...its a fucking juicer for Gods sake.....anyways...I digress...)
.......I know, I know, I know....you're probably saying your divorce was a tough row to hoe...... but let me tell you this about that...it is nothing compared to an annulment in the Catholic Church.........
An annulment of a Catholic marriage is a procedure set amid an arcane set of laws and rituals designed to determine if the marriage ever really existed.........the governing rules involved are called Canon Law.....lets be clear here.....this is not a divorce........a divorce is against the Catholic religion........an annulment is a process to deem that the marriage never existed......in fact as far as they are concerned....once you are annulled.........the marriage never took place..... ( I liken this to the Church's stance on pedophilia...but lets not get too far off of topic.......)
So you are asking yourself .........how is it a marriage of 9 years that produced 2 beautiful children ....all of which was performed in a full blown Catholic ceremony .......and in front of 100's of people could have never existed......? ...(As a side note........ I am reminded of Roswell, New Mexico 1947 and the aliens/weather balloon issue........the first thing was "Hurray...we found aliens"...and then ..."nope...sorry.......no aliens we were mistaken...it was a weather balloon....sorry"....how the fuck someone mistakes aliens for a weather balloon or vice versa is another matter altogether......)
back on topic
Some background......
If you are a Catholic you cannot divorce....if you do....you go to hell.......(the other choice of course is to stay in a hellish marriage and then go to Heaven when you die after living an unhappy life........as far as I see this is not much different than an Islamic Extremist suicide bomber....only the Islamic Extremist gets to go to Heaven a whole lot faster and in a less painful way.....not to mention the dozen or so nubile virgins awaiting you.......yummy....but I digress......again )........
If you don't go to hell at the very least you go to Purgatory which by my understanding is akin to waiting at a bus stop for an indeterminatetime......waiting as a number of "Heaven Express" buses go by....
In this analogy.......if you are a Catholic in Purgatory, you go up to the driver of each bus and say..." Hey can I get on board...I want to go to Heaven"....and the the bus driver basically waves you off...saying.."Hey this bus is full, ask the next one..."....all of of this reminds me of BillMurray's role in the movie Ground Hog Day.....it makes me dizzy just thinking about it.....
Anyways......as a Catholic if you are divorced and the marriage is not annulled not only do you wait at the bus stop to Heaven but you cannot go to confession....you do not get to eat the cookie...(aka the body of Christ) or the drink the wine (aka the blood of Christ) ........all of this behaviour sounds suspiciously like an episode of Twilight........
I am not a Catholic....which arguably is part of the problem with all of this.......however....
...this is my experience....
My ex was pissed when we split up.........pissed enough to make my life and hers miserable........for any of you who deal with a hard-boiled Catholic you will recognize this as what I call The "Karl Malden Syndrome"....similar to the Stockholm Syndrome but quite different.....The victim just gets all cranky and irritable........and it never goes away......much like Karl Malden...... (may he Rest in Peace)
Anyhow....early in 1999, 2 years after the separation and about $30,000 later in legal bills .....(see defending juicers etc) ....I came home one day to find an envelope in the mail....expensive envelope I thought....hmmm...and from The Archdiocese...and I'm not even a Catholic......Woohoo.....
I tore open the envelope....As I was in the midst of an already contentious divorce I was getting used to all sorts of official documents and letters from angry divorce lawyers......(they are not really angry...but a pretend-to-be kind of angry....divorce lawyers are akin to 2 combatants hiring proxy bullies to kick the shit out of the other persons bully.........all the while the 2 bullies are quite happy doing just that as they are paid handsomely for their efforts...............at the end of the joust... all the paid bullies go out for drinks and regale each other about their day jousting....... who ever thought this scam up is a fucking genius..!)
The document in may hands was request for an annulment ........I was perplexed......It stated... (pretty much verbatim but with a whole lot more words......)
You (aka Heathen) are being informed that your ex seeks to annul the marriage between yourself and her......as such, do you wish to not oppose the bond of marriage.....? huh...?.
Let me read that again.....The marriage is to be erased as if it had never existed......and do I wish not to oppose the bond of marriage...? What the fuck....what crazy-assed Catholic Lawyer from the 14th century wrote this............?
What the fuck..!....how can a marriage with 2 kids and lots of bills for hairstylists and manicures be made to have never existed......?.....why am I paying these lawyers all of this money and dealing with an angry fur ball of an ex about the freaking juicer when really...she is saying....hey....lets not get divorced.......no....lets just say it never happened...!
The first brief thought was...."Awfully White of her.".....my second thought...."whoa Nelly"...lets read more..........
" The complainant...is seeking to annul the marriage as it is claimed that it never existed....so therefore...do you not wish to oppose it.....
Of course I want to oppose it........why not.....sounds like fun.....
So....I got on my PC and tip tap typed my reply to the Archdiocese.......Nearly verbatim...pretty much........"Of course I wish to oppose this......and further more how can something that exists be made to never have existed.....
I got a rather snarly reply from the Church stating that it was up to them to say if it existed or not and that if I wished to oppose the annulment procedure I would have to engage a Defender of the Bond.......a D of the B is basically the church appointed public defender in all annulment cases...........
The defender is supposedly well versed in Canon Law...... Canon Law is an arcane set of laws based upon the Vatican's belief that their law shouldsupersede Civil Law.......
So..... I replied away...asking the Church to set me up with a Defender of the Bond.......a week or so passed and I got a voice mail from a very nice lady by the name of Beth....Beth was my Defender...she did this as an unpaid part time job for the Church.....she was lovely.... could I call her to discuss the Bond.....
Damn right I would....I got Beth on the phone to go over our strategy......we were going to defend this bond....yeah that was the plan.......we'll show them what exists and doesn't exist......
"So... Beth....on what grounds can a marriage be annulled....?" I asked...... "well" she said..."Its not easy to get an annulment......the process of the marriage needs review must meet some very rigorous requirements...."..."Such as...such as what?" I asked...
"Well...there are only 4 reasons for an annulment to be granted......"
1) You did not create a bond in the eyes of God.......(...Basically God would have to have been asleep on the wedding day and not seen any of the ceremony....but since God is EVERYWHERE and all seeing....that point was surely a no go... )
2) You did not intend to create a bond to God........( So......what does this mean...I went to the marriage counselling sessions with the Priest who married us and who would also annul the marriage...surely he would agree I intended to make a Bond?)
3) Your were incapable of creating a bond...(i.e. insane......curiously this seems like a perfectly good loophole...except....you only had to be sane on your wedding day.......any other day after or before the wedding day you could be a total loon and the bond would stand......as I was not raving or ranting on the wedding day I figured I was pretty sane......btw...who is ever really sane on their wedding day...?.....)
4) You were already in a bond to God.......(...I took this to mean I was already married to a Catholic or other.........or perhaps I was a Bride of Christ (aka Nun) or a Priest etc etc....
"Bonus!"...I said..... I got all 4 right!
I listed off my reply t o Beth about all of the 4 points.....
1) I went to Catholic marriage preparation and knew exactly what I was doing and the gravitas of the commitment......I spoke to God at the ceremony....not sure he replied at the time....but hey....when do you ever really get the answer to your question.....
2)On point 2.... I go to point 1...again......I was willing and did make the commitment....I got up there said my vows....all of which included a message to God....so I figured I was in the clear.... (as well.....there was no notice from God at the wedding or reception party...saying anything to the contrary ....sure signs such as a lightning bolt, burning bush etc so I figured he approved... )
3) Point 3 is always a little subjective....I mean ....there is legally insane ...(Which I was not...).... even Ted Bundy didn't get to be classified as legally insane........so I will go with the idea that I was not insane....
4) I was neither a nun or a Priest.....or married to another.....so on point 4.......I was in the clear...
"So Beth.....this should be a walk in the park....a cake walk.....a slam dunk...a no-brainer.....right?"
"Well...she said...it is not always so clear cut.......huh....? Well we will need to prove that the bond existed so we can defend it........ "
"Ok....but isn't this like being considered Guilty unless you prove yourself innocent....and then go ahead after that and get a statement saying that you are innocent...?"
Silence on the other end of the phone.....
"Hmmmm.......say Beth, How many of these have you done........?"....she answered....".Oh..at least 300...or so..."
Wow! I thought....I had a cracker jack defender of the Bond on my hands I asked..."So...How many bonds have you successfully defended...?"
."umm....Well that's hard to say" ...she says.........
"Ok Beth...how about this... how many have you won...?"
" Well...we don't look at it that way... "
"Ok....so you have done 300 of these....... how many of them were annulled.....found to have never existed...?"
"298" she proudly said............."What the fuck!...You've never won a case.......!!!"
"Well...that's not really how we see it.....?
"Well Beth...I do..!..... I want to talk to the archdiocese to get a more successful defender of the Bond...."
"Ok she said....but I am the most successful one...!".... (need I go over the math again...?)
Next day I phoned the Archdiocese........."Who do I speak with about my annulment...who's in charge here..?"
"I'll put you through to Monsignor Gallo....'
OMG....Monsignor Gallo is the priest who married us.........who was the ex's main family friend in the Church and was the ex's parish boss...(....did I say she is a Catholic school teacher..)....it was the nutty barely intelligible spanish speaking Mexican priest.....
" Jyess...Fadder Gallo heer..." (....just to digress for a moment....I remember when I was getting married he paused in the middle of the cermonyand said..."hee who beelefs this marrryage...marriaje...marrrage...should not be.".......it was commonly believe that he practiced his Berlitz lesson during the vows and mass.....)
" Father Gallo.........John Graham here..."
"Jyess...."
"Father...I am in the process of a marriage annulment and I feel that the defender of the bond that was appointed is not really capable ofrepresenting my interests and sucessfully defending the bond......."
"Jess.....Butd, Beth.. sheee iza de best defendu wee havve...."
"Yes I know...I've heard that......but surely you must have someone who has actually won a case that can be the defender.....? "
"Weel...wee dun't egzactlee look at it thees way....."
"So I have been told..........all of this makes no sense........".....
"Jyess...I know....ofteen God works in meesterious wayz..."
Mysterious ways.......what the hell does THAT mean.....? Father....I am being tried in a jurisdiction where you are the priest who married us and is also my ex's boss and a close family friend.....the ex's Mom is the head of the Catholic Women's League...her father is a failed priest......and I have a Defender who has never won a case......don't you see this as having the cards stacked against me just a bit...?"
"Zere is no need to swear...?...."
That's it....no need to swear.....well fuck that!
"Father.....I am disturbed by all of this...I wan't to change the jurisdiction of the annulment to another Archdiocese.....!"
"Jyess....weell....I weell send yu sum informayshun.....Guubye.."
I waited a week or so........
The mail came.......nice envelope...pricey stationary...cool...my change of venue form........bonus!
Well...apparently not so fast Kemosabe...... !
I opened the envelope......enclosed a photocopied passage from what looked like the Dead Sea Scrolls......it was a 15 page section of Canon Law addressing the issue about a change of jurisdiction.....
It read much like this......" A change of jurisdiction in an annulment case can be granted but only before the action has started..........Once an action has started no change of jurisdiction can be granted....???
Let me digest this.......so.......If I have no annulment going on....I can get a change of jurisdiction.....yup.......but if an action has started......(ie someone applies for an annulment..) .....I can't change the jurisdiction.....? But...if an action is started and it seems unfair I cannot change the jurisdiction to somewhere more fair....? Is that what I see....
The letter basically went on to say......."What you have just read is as you see it to be....it's just that we don't see it that way...." Sucka...!
Hmmmm...
This calls for another letter.........In my sweet and delightful way I wrote Monsignor Gallo back.......I argued the illogic of his and the Churches ways and how they should reconsider a couple of milenium of history and change to see things my way.....I closed off the leeter with a fond farewell....something like...." There are 2 things my mother taught me that I carry to this day.....never join a club that wants you as a member and to never...ever trust a man who wears a dress....annul away!"
There that says it all......off and into the post it goes........
The very next day...........
The very next day..... I went to my usual morning haunt for a strong black coffee and a muffin.....as I sat with my joe...I spied the Province Newsppaer......it was folded in half and laying on the table...the bottom half of the front page face up...
Wow ...I thought....the picture looks like the church I was married in....the one where Father Gallo resides.....what's it doing on the front page of the Province....must be vandals or something....Iunfolded the paer to view the whole front page.....
Big freaking bold letters......."THOU SHALL NOT STEAL"...below the giant caption a picture of Monsignor Gallo in front of the church and the words....."Thieving Priest Collared Shoplifting...story page 3"
I fell off my chair......I have never been so gobsmacked as I was then.......I sat in stunned silence....I started to giggle like an idiot.....
I turned the paper to page 3.......another candid pic of Gallo.......
"Prominent Catholic priest is arrested shoplifting razor blades from ParkGate Safeways.....Archdiocese silent on the matter......"
I have never........ever.....been so stunned........There was a God....and he had a huge sense of humour.......I read and reread it again......I grabbed the rival Vancouver Sun newspaper...there he was again on the front page........oh my........
For a few moments I sat and pondered the wonder of it all....."Did they actually cuff the 72 year old priest and take him back to the station house.....did they pat him down.....did he like it?......." Oh Jyess....yu are suuch a guud frisker....".....they don't arrest priests at the best of times and certainly don't plop them on the front page just because he inadvertently put a few razors in his cassock........No..it can't be....he's a Klepto...!
I lest the cafe and floated to my car.....I had no idea how to react.......do I write him and commiserate....saying...."I know how it feels..."...perhaps just a short note......"Hope you're feeling better" and include a Monopoly game "Get Out of Jail for Free " card.......
Nope....I would play this one silent........
And silent it became........for nearly 2 years....
The one day....I got another letter.......the ex has now filed her witness statements in the case to annul the marriage........
What did this mean....I phoned my very own Vatican Perry Mason......
"Beth...John Graham here....long time no talk....."
"Yes....How may I help...."
"I have this letter about witnesses and such and want to know what this is all about...?"
"well...if you feel the marriage was not made into a Bond or you want to defend the Bond you need to get witnesses who were at your wedding and get them to go on record to say that you did or did not make a bond....pretty simple really..."
"Huh...you want me to call up people from 12 years ago and get them to come down to the Archdiocese and go in front of a tribunal to go on record to say that I made a bond with God 12 years ago....? really......why....?"
" Because ...that's how we see it...!" click.....
hmmmm... I thought....do I really need this grief....hadn't I already made my point....albeit one that was seemingly ignored.......perhaps I should get on with my life.....
I phoned Beth back...." Beth...I just want this to go away...what do I need to do..."
"A little late for that isn't it...?....." apparently they were stille sore about all of the letters about priests wearing dresses, arrests, publicity and stuff..........
"Well...if you want this to go away.........you need to come to the Archdiocese and read the ex's witnesses testimony and sign off..."
"Ok....I'll be down tomorrow.... "
That next morning I showed up at the Archdiocese........went to the appropriate room and signed in........I was told I had to sign a non-disclosure agreement about the proceedings and in no way could I take any files with me or have copies.....
They sat me in a small windowless room and handed me the transcript.....
" In the case of Graham vs. Graham re : Annulment...."
I read the overview.....and then there was the list of witnesses for the ex......
Her mother, her father, her sister, my ex brother in law and.......my eldest sister Shannon....
What the fuck.........my sister....!...I was shaken.....
I read the testimonies as I had to sign off on each acknowledging that I had read it......each was a fairly decent attempt at character assasination......
And then I got to Shannon's testimony....why was she testifying for the ex.....? What purpose did this serve.......I read the testimony in disbelief..........my tears fell onto the pages.....
I signed off on the last testimony....and then left the building......my first thought was to phone my parents........Dad answered the phone.....
"Dad I just left the Archdiocese to sign off on the annulment....and I found that Shannon has testified against me...."
"I knew she shouldn't have done that..."...."huh".. I blurted......"You knew.....you fucking knew and didn't tell me....!"
"Well son... I am sure she just thought it would speed things along...you know....help make the annulment happen..."..."Dad" I said...."we're not Catholic....!"
All of this ground the annulment to yet another standstill.....apparently my sister upon catching wind that her testimony had been revealed to me ....now threatened to sue the Church for misrepresentation........(Now there's a stretch... )
About a year passed......I went Tuesdays and Fridays to pick up my girls at the school....this was the school where the ex taught and where Gallo led the parish.......I made a point of not shrinking away from the school.....I liked the idea I made them feel uncomfortable....
One Tuesday, Monsignor Gallo approached me to talk......"Jyess...John....haav yu gotten the inveetatshun for da privat lunch with the Arch Beeshop...?'...
I nearly choked..."The what?"
"Jyess...it ees unfurtunit that Katty has been so...well...meezguided in all of thees....it seems the Arch Bishop wants to talk weeth yu..."
This whole saga had taken yet another unforseen turn......
Sure as shit sticks to a shingle...the next day I found a letter in my mailbox......from the Archdiocese...
It read....You are invited to attend a private luncheon with Arch Bishop Adam Exner on Wednesday Nov 6th......please call my undersecretary to confirm........
There it was.......a freaking invite for a private luncheon with the head Honcho...God's very own spokesperson.....this was the same man who 2 years earlier met with Bill Clinton at the G-7........
On the appointed day I dressed in my Wednesday best and went to the lunch.......
The week before I had asked my ex why she thought I was going to a private lunch with the boss......her reply..."he probably wants to tell you what an asshole you are...."....hmmmmm........I thought he might have other things on his mind......
I was ushered into the inner room....and introduced to the Arch Bishop......we exchanged small talk for 5 minutes or so.....then he said..."So......it is a shame about all of this mess......do you think you could ever see your way to withdrawing your opposition to the annulment..."
"Well...I'd like to but I have already shown my opposition....."
"yes"...he pondered...."true...very true..."
More smalll talk ensued and still more tries to find a way to get me to withdraw my opposition.......I sensed that if I did say my opposition was withdrawn that I would get a doggy bag with some of the sandwiches and the bums rush out of the Archdiocese......
With 5 minutes left in the scheduled 1 hour lunch meeting....I looked at the Arch Bishop........"You already have my withdrawl"...I said.........time stood still...."What do you mean?"...he replied....
"I mean I have already withdrawn my opposition....if you look on the letter from 3 years ago entitled Men who Wear Dresses you will see in the last paragraph right after I say....I will never trust men who wear dresses.....that I go on to say...therefore I withdraw my opposition.....Annul away.."
"Well...look at the time"....he says...."I have a meeting with the steering committe on something or other....my undersecretary will show you out....."
A month later I received a letter from The Catholic Church in Ottawa...and within a month after that...a letter from The Vatican.........my marriage was now considered null......and oh.... by the way....it also stated.....you are not allowed to marry another Catholic in a Church ceremony unless you repent......
As I said before.......why would I want to join a club that would have me as a member........
Where does this story come from....
Once upon a time I married to a devout Catholic woman......(At he time she was not so devout.... drinking and partying......ok...maybe not partying....bit of a bore actually......but drinking a lot......come to think of that....she was just being a good Catholic...hmmmm) she is now a Catholic school teacher......we have 2 beautiful children.......redheads...girls.....
However...as life is sometime capable of doing..... a series of curve balls were thrown at the marriage......it broke up and we separated.....
Now..... most of you out there enjoying the bliss of a nasty divorce, generally only get to fight in a court of law.......arguing over important things such as.......who gets custody of the kids, who gets the timeshare in Podunk Idaho and the ownership of the Ron Popeil household appliance collection.......(as a side bar....notice the nifty legal jargon.......what the hell gets into people's heads when divorcing.......they spend about $5000 on lawyers to defend their ownership of a juicer....get over it...its a fucking juicer for Gods sake.....anyways...I digress...)
.......I know, I know, I know....you're probably saying your divorce was a tough row to hoe...... but let me tell you this about that...it is nothing compared to an annulment in the Catholic Church.........
An annulment of a Catholic marriage is a procedure set amid an arcane set of laws and rituals designed to determine if the marriage ever really existed.........the governing rules involved are called Canon Law.....lets be clear here.....this is not a divorce........a divorce is against the Catholic religion........an annulment is a process to deem that the marriage never existed......in fact as far as they are concerned....once you are annulled.........the marriage never took place..... ( I liken this to the Church's stance on pedophilia...but lets not get too far off of topic.......)
So you are asking yourself .........how is it a marriage of 9 years that produced 2 beautiful children ....all of which was performed in a full blown Catholic ceremony .......and in front of 100's of people could have never existed......? ...(As a side note........ I am reminded of Roswell, New Mexico 1947 and the aliens/weather balloon issue........the first thing was "Hurray...we found aliens"...and then ..."nope...sorry.......no aliens we were mistaken...it was a weather balloon....sorry"....how the fuck someone mistakes aliens for a weather balloon or vice versa is another matter altogether......)
back on topic
Some background......
If you are a Catholic you cannot divorce....if you do....you go to hell.......(the other choice of course is to stay in a hellish marriage and then go to Heaven when you die after living an unhappy life........as far as I see this is not much different than an Islamic Extremist suicide bomber....only the Islamic Extremist gets to go to Heaven a whole lot faster and in a less painful way.....not to mention the dozen or so nubile virgins awaiting you.......yummy....but I digress......again )........
If you don't go to hell at the very least you go to Purgatory which by my understanding is akin to waiting at a bus stop for an indeterminatetime......waiting as a number of "Heaven Express" buses go by....
In this analogy.......if you are a Catholic in Purgatory, you go up to the driver of each bus and say..." Hey can I get on board...I want to go to Heaven"....and the the bus driver basically waves you off...saying.."Hey this bus is full, ask the next one..."....all of of this reminds me of BillMurray's role in the movie Ground Hog Day.....it makes me dizzy just thinking about it.....
Anyways......as a Catholic if you are divorced and the marriage is not annulled not only do you wait at the bus stop to Heaven but you cannot go to confession....you do not get to eat the cookie...(aka the body of Christ) or the drink the wine (aka the blood of Christ) ........all of this behaviour sounds suspiciously like an episode of Twilight........
I am not a Catholic....which arguably is part of the problem with all of this.......however....
...this is my experience....
My ex was pissed when we split up.........pissed enough to make my life and hers miserable........for any of you who deal with a hard-boiled Catholic you will recognize this as what I call The "Karl Malden Syndrome"....similar to the Stockholm Syndrome but quite different.....The victim just gets all cranky and irritable........and it never goes away......much like Karl Malden...... (may he Rest in Peace)
Anyhow....early in 1999, 2 years after the separation and about $30,000 later in legal bills .....(see defending juicers etc) ....I came home one day to find an envelope in the mail....expensive envelope I thought....hmmm...and from The Archdiocese...and I'm not even a Catholic......Woohoo.....
I tore open the envelope....As I was in the midst of an already contentious divorce I was getting used to all sorts of official documents and letters from angry divorce lawyers......(they are not really angry...but a pretend-to-be kind of angry....divorce lawyers are akin to 2 combatants hiring proxy bullies to kick the shit out of the other persons bully.........all the while the 2 bullies are quite happy doing just that as they are paid handsomely for their efforts...............at the end of the joust... all the paid bullies go out for drinks and regale each other about their day jousting....... who ever thought this scam up is a fucking genius..!)
The document in may hands was request for an annulment ........I was perplexed......It stated... (pretty much verbatim but with a whole lot more words......)
You (aka Heathen) are being informed that your ex seeks to annul the marriage between yourself and her......as such, do you wish to not oppose the bond of marriage.....? huh...?.
Let me read that again.....The marriage is to be erased as if it had never existed......and do I wish not to oppose the bond of marriage...? What the fuck....what crazy-assed Catholic Lawyer from the 14th century wrote this............?
What the fuck..!....how can a marriage with 2 kids and lots of bills for hairstylists and manicures be made to have never existed......?.....why am I paying these lawyers all of this money and dealing with an angry fur ball of an ex about the freaking juicer when really...she is saying....hey....lets not get divorced.......no....lets just say it never happened...!
The first brief thought was...."Awfully White of her.".....my second thought...."whoa Nelly"...lets read more..........
" The complainant...is seeking to annul the marriage as it is claimed that it never existed....so therefore...do you not wish to oppose it.....
Of course I want to oppose it........why not.....sounds like fun.....
So....I got on my PC and tip tap typed my reply to the Archdiocese.......Nearly verbatim...pretty much........"Of course I wish to oppose this......and further more how can something that exists be made to never have existed.....
I got a rather snarly reply from the Church stating that it was up to them to say if it existed or not and that if I wished to oppose the annulment procedure I would have to engage a Defender of the Bond.......a D of the B is basically the church appointed public defender in all annulment cases...........
The defender is supposedly well versed in Canon Law...... Canon Law is an arcane set of laws based upon the Vatican's belief that their law shouldsupersede Civil Law.......
So..... I replied away...asking the Church to set me up with a Defender of the Bond.......a week or so passed and I got a voice mail from a very nice lady by the name of Beth....Beth was my Defender...she did this as an unpaid part time job for the Church.....she was lovely.... could I call her to discuss the Bond.....
Damn right I would....I got Beth on the phone to go over our strategy......we were going to defend this bond....yeah that was the plan.......we'll show them what exists and doesn't exist......
"So... Beth....on what grounds can a marriage be annulled....?" I asked...... "well" she said..."Its not easy to get an annulment......the process of the marriage needs review must meet some very rigorous requirements...."..."Such as...such as what?" I asked...
"Well...there are only 4 reasons for an annulment to be granted......"
1) You did not create a bond in the eyes of God.......(...Basically God would have to have been asleep on the wedding day and not seen any of the ceremony....but since God is EVERYWHERE and all seeing....that point was surely a no go... )
2) You did not intend to create a bond to God........( So......what does this mean...I went to the marriage counselling sessions with the Priest who married us and who would also annul the marriage...surely he would agree I intended to make a Bond?)
3) Your were incapable of creating a bond...(i.e. insane......curiously this seems like a perfectly good loophole...except....you only had to be sane on your wedding day.......any other day after or before the wedding day you could be a total loon and the bond would stand......as I was not raving or ranting on the wedding day I figured I was pretty sane......btw...who is ever really sane on their wedding day...?.....)
4) You were already in a bond to God.......(...I took this to mean I was already married to a Catholic or other.........or perhaps I was a Bride of Christ (aka Nun) or a Priest etc etc....
"Bonus!"...I said..... I got all 4 right!
I listed off my reply t o Beth about all of the 4 points.....
1) I went to Catholic marriage preparation and knew exactly what I was doing and the gravitas of the commitment......I spoke to God at the ceremony....not sure he replied at the time....but hey....when do you ever really get the answer to your question.....
2)On point 2.... I go to point 1...again......I was willing and did make the commitment....I got up there said my vows....all of which included a message to God....so I figured I was in the clear.... (as well.....there was no notice from God at the wedding or reception party...saying anything to the contrary ....sure signs such as a lightning bolt, burning bush etc so I figured he approved... )
3) Point 3 is always a little subjective....I mean ....there is legally insane ...(Which I was not...).... even Ted Bundy didn't get to be classified as legally insane........so I will go with the idea that I was not insane....
4) I was neither a nun or a Priest.....or married to another.....so on point 4.......I was in the clear...
"So Beth.....this should be a walk in the park....a cake walk.....a slam dunk...a no-brainer.....right?"
"Well...she said...it is not always so clear cut.......huh....? Well we will need to prove that the bond existed so we can defend it........ "
"Ok....but isn't this like being considered Guilty unless you prove yourself innocent....and then go ahead after that and get a statement saying that you are innocent...?"
Silence on the other end of the phone.....
"Hmmmm.......say Beth, How many of these have you done........?"....she answered....".Oh..at least 300...or so..."
Wow! I thought....I had a cracker jack defender of the Bond on my hands I asked..."So...How many bonds have you successfully defended...?"
."umm....Well that's hard to say" ...she says.........
"Ok Beth...how about this... how many have you won...?"
" Well...we don't look at it that way... "
"Ok....so you have done 300 of these....... how many of them were annulled.....found to have never existed...?"
"298" she proudly said............."What the fuck!...You've never won a case.......!!!"
"Well...that's not really how we see it.....?
"Well Beth...I do..!..... I want to talk to the archdiocese to get a more successful defender of the Bond...."
"Ok she said....but I am the most successful one...!".... (need I go over the math again...?)
Next day I phoned the Archdiocese........."Who do I speak with about my annulment...who's in charge here..?"
"I'll put you through to Monsignor Gallo....'
OMG....Monsignor Gallo is the priest who married us.........who was the ex's main family friend in the Church and was the ex's parish boss...(....did I say she is a Catholic school teacher..)....it was the nutty barely intelligible spanish speaking Mexican priest.....
" Jyess...Fadder Gallo heer..." (....just to digress for a moment....I remember when I was getting married he paused in the middle of the cermonyand said..."hee who beelefs this marrryage...marriaje...marrrage...should not be.".......it was commonly believe that he practiced his Berlitz lesson during the vows and mass.....)
" Father Gallo.........John Graham here..."
"Jyess...."
"Father...I am in the process of a marriage annulment and I feel that the defender of the bond that was appointed is not really capable ofrepresenting my interests and sucessfully defending the bond......."
"Jess.....Butd, Beth.. sheee iza de best defendu wee havve...."
"Yes I know...I've heard that......but surely you must have someone who has actually won a case that can be the defender.....? "
"Weel...wee dun't egzactlee look at it thees way....."
"So I have been told..........all of this makes no sense........".....
"Jyess...I know....ofteen God works in meesterious wayz..."
Mysterious ways.......what the hell does THAT mean.....? Father....I am being tried in a jurisdiction where you are the priest who married us and is also my ex's boss and a close family friend.....the ex's Mom is the head of the Catholic Women's League...her father is a failed priest......and I have a Defender who has never won a case......don't you see this as having the cards stacked against me just a bit...?"
"Zere is no need to swear...?...."
That's it....no need to swear.....well fuck that!
"Father.....I am disturbed by all of this...I wan't to change the jurisdiction of the annulment to another Archdiocese.....!"
"Jyess....weell....I weell send yu sum informayshun.....Guubye.."
I waited a week or so........
The mail came.......nice envelope...pricey stationary...cool...my change of venue form........bonus!
Well...apparently not so fast Kemosabe...... !
I opened the envelope......enclosed a photocopied passage from what looked like the Dead Sea Scrolls......it was a 15 page section of Canon Law addressing the issue about a change of jurisdiction.....
It read much like this......" A change of jurisdiction in an annulment case can be granted but only before the action has started..........Once an action has started no change of jurisdiction can be granted....???
Let me digest this.......so.......If I have no annulment going on....I can get a change of jurisdiction.....yup.......but if an action has started......(ie someone applies for an annulment..) .....I can't change the jurisdiction.....? But...if an action is started and it seems unfair I cannot change the jurisdiction to somewhere more fair....? Is that what I see....
The letter basically went on to say......."What you have just read is as you see it to be....it's just that we don't see it that way...." Sucka...!
Hmmmm...
This calls for another letter.........In my sweet and delightful way I wrote Monsignor Gallo back.......I argued the illogic of his and the Churches ways and how they should reconsider a couple of milenium of history and change to see things my way.....I closed off the leeter with a fond farewell....something like...." There are 2 things my mother taught me that I carry to this day.....never join a club that wants you as a member and to never...ever trust a man who wears a dress....annul away!"
There that says it all......off and into the post it goes........
The very next day...........
The very next day..... I went to my usual morning haunt for a strong black coffee and a muffin.....as I sat with my joe...I spied the Province Newsppaer......it was folded in half and laying on the table...the bottom half of the front page face up...
Wow ...I thought....the picture looks like the church I was married in....the one where Father Gallo resides.....what's it doing on the front page of the Province....must be vandals or something....Iunfolded the paer to view the whole front page.....
Big freaking bold letters......."THOU SHALL NOT STEAL"...below the giant caption a picture of Monsignor Gallo in front of the church and the words....."Thieving Priest Collared Shoplifting...story page 3"
I fell off my chair......I have never been so gobsmacked as I was then.......I sat in stunned silence....I started to giggle like an idiot.....
I turned the paper to page 3.......another candid pic of Gallo.......
"Prominent Catholic priest is arrested shoplifting razor blades from ParkGate Safeways.....Archdiocese silent on the matter......"
I have never........ever.....been so stunned........There was a God....and he had a huge sense of humour.......I read and reread it again......I grabbed the rival Vancouver Sun newspaper...there he was again on the front page........oh my........
For a few moments I sat and pondered the wonder of it all....."Did they actually cuff the 72 year old priest and take him back to the station house.....did they pat him down.....did he like it?......." Oh Jyess....yu are suuch a guud frisker....".....they don't arrest priests at the best of times and certainly don't plop them on the front page just because he inadvertently put a few razors in his cassock........No..it can't be....he's a Klepto...!
I lest the cafe and floated to my car.....I had no idea how to react.......do I write him and commiserate....saying...."I know how it feels..."...perhaps just a short note......"Hope you're feeling better" and include a Monopoly game "Get Out of Jail for Free " card.......
Nope....I would play this one silent........
And silent it became........for nearly 2 years....
The one day....I got another letter.......the ex has now filed her witness statements in the case to annul the marriage........
What did this mean....I phoned my very own Vatican Perry Mason......
"Beth...John Graham here....long time no talk....."
"Yes....How may I help...."
"I have this letter about witnesses and such and want to know what this is all about...?"
"well...if you feel the marriage was not made into a Bond or you want to defend the Bond you need to get witnesses who were at your wedding and get them to go on record to say that you did or did not make a bond....pretty simple really..."
"Huh...you want me to call up people from 12 years ago and get them to come down to the Archdiocese and go in front of a tribunal to go on record to say that I made a bond with God 12 years ago....? really......why....?"
" Because ...that's how we see it...!" click.....
hmmmm... I thought....do I really need this grief....hadn't I already made my point....albeit one that was seemingly ignored.......perhaps I should get on with my life.....
I phoned Beth back...." Beth...I just want this to go away...what do I need to do..."
"A little late for that isn't it...?....." apparently they were stille sore about all of the letters about priests wearing dresses, arrests, publicity and stuff..........
"Well...if you want this to go away.........you need to come to the Archdiocese and read the ex's witnesses testimony and sign off..."
"Ok....I'll be down tomorrow.... "
That next morning I showed up at the Archdiocese........went to the appropriate room and signed in........I was told I had to sign a non-disclosure agreement about the proceedings and in no way could I take any files with me or have copies.....
They sat me in a small windowless room and handed me the transcript.....
" In the case of Graham vs. Graham re : Annulment...."
I read the overview.....and then there was the list of witnesses for the ex......
Her mother, her father, her sister, my ex brother in law and.......my eldest sister Shannon....
What the fuck.........my sister....!...I was shaken.....
I read the testimonies as I had to sign off on each acknowledging that I had read it......each was a fairly decent attempt at character assasination......
And then I got to Shannon's testimony....why was she testifying for the ex.....? What purpose did this serve.......I read the testimony in disbelief..........my tears fell onto the pages.....
I signed off on the last testimony....and then left the building......my first thought was to phone my parents........Dad answered the phone.....
"Dad I just left the Archdiocese to sign off on the annulment....and I found that Shannon has testified against me...."
"I knew she shouldn't have done that..."...."huh".. I blurted......"You knew.....you fucking knew and didn't tell me....!"
"Well son... I am sure she just thought it would speed things along...you know....help make the annulment happen..."..."Dad" I said...."we're not Catholic....!"
All of this ground the annulment to yet another standstill.....apparently my sister upon catching wind that her testimony had been revealed to me ....now threatened to sue the Church for misrepresentation........(Now there's a stretch... )
About a year passed......I went Tuesdays and Fridays to pick up my girls at the school....this was the school where the ex taught and where Gallo led the parish.......I made a point of not shrinking away from the school.....I liked the idea I made them feel uncomfortable....
One Tuesday, Monsignor Gallo approached me to talk......"Jyess...John....haav yu gotten the inveetatshun for da privat lunch with the Arch Beeshop...?'...
I nearly choked..."The what?"
"Jyess...it ees unfurtunit that Katty has been so...well...meezguided in all of thees....it seems the Arch Bishop wants to talk weeth yu..."
This whole saga had taken yet another unforseen turn......
Sure as shit sticks to a shingle...the next day I found a letter in my mailbox......from the Archdiocese...
It read....You are invited to attend a private luncheon with Arch Bishop Adam Exner on Wednesday Nov 6th......please call my undersecretary to confirm........
There it was.......a freaking invite for a private luncheon with the head Honcho...God's very own spokesperson.....this was the same man who 2 years earlier met with Bill Clinton at the G-7........
On the appointed day I dressed in my Wednesday best and went to the lunch.......
The week before I had asked my ex why she thought I was going to a private lunch with the boss......her reply..."he probably wants to tell you what an asshole you are...."....hmmmmm........I thought he might have other things on his mind......
I was ushered into the inner room....and introduced to the Arch Bishop......we exchanged small talk for 5 minutes or so.....then he said..."So......it is a shame about all of this mess......do you think you could ever see your way to withdrawing your opposition to the annulment..."
"Well...I'd like to but I have already shown my opposition....."
"yes"...he pondered...."true...very true..."
More smalll talk ensued and still more tries to find a way to get me to withdraw my opposition.......I sensed that if I did say my opposition was withdrawn that I would get a doggy bag with some of the sandwiches and the bums rush out of the Archdiocese......
With 5 minutes left in the scheduled 1 hour lunch meeting....I looked at the Arch Bishop........"You already have my withdrawl"...I said.........time stood still...."What do you mean?"...he replied....
"I mean I have already withdrawn my opposition....if you look on the letter from 3 years ago entitled Men who Wear Dresses you will see in the last paragraph right after I say....I will never trust men who wear dresses.....that I go on to say...therefore I withdraw my opposition.....Annul away.."
"Well...look at the time"....he says...."I have a meeting with the steering committe on something or other....my undersecretary will show you out....."
A month later I received a letter from The Catholic Church in Ottawa...and within a month after that...a letter from The Vatican.........my marriage was now considered null......and oh.... by the way....it also stated.....you are not allowed to marry another Catholic in a Church ceremony unless you repent......
As I said before.......why would I want to join a club that would have me as a member........
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