Now I am not overly endowed in the manthing department......nor am I left wanting in said department.....basically....I have a good sized, utilitarian type of Scottish penis.........not long and skinny but more stout and happy.....
Why do I bring this up.....? Well it reminds me of its near death experience.........
I was 26 and working in the music business for Sam Feldman.......Sam was/is a great guy and was always one to extend his largesse to his friends.....when Sam would go out of town he would often ask if I wanted to stay in his house.......
Sam's house was palatial.....great view of the city, Sauna, Hot Tub.....all the cool things that a 26 year old could ever want....along with the house usually came use of the Mercedes 450 SL.......all of this tied into my good utilitarian Scottish penis made me, at least for a short while, a veritable chick magnet......
On one of the occasions I got to run the roost at Sam's house I invited over a girlfriend.......she was a little shy...but after a bottle of wine and a little coaxing we were starting to get into the throws of romance.....
I suggested we take a break and go have a Sauna......we went downstairs to the Sauna room, cranked up the heat and continued to make out.......It started to get hot in there....very hot.......but my ardour was up .....as was my workman-like penis....
We were shagging.....sweating like rams in a coital frenzy....(Not that I would have a clue what that would be like but hey it sounds interesting...)
In fact it was getting too hot in the sauna....way too hot.....I suggested we go up stairs to relax and finish off our highly charged lovemaking...(sounds like something you would find in a ...Dear Penthouse.......)
She left the Sauna room and I followed behind......before I went upstairs though I remember Sam's words...."Always make sure the Sauna is turned off after use..."...
I went back into the Sauna and looked for the shut off switch...there...against the wall....I leaned over the Sauna heater to reach the switch.....however.... I forgot that I was still sporting wood.....
SSSSZZZZ......My penis hit the side of the Sauna heater.....a heater which was somewhere close to 280 degrees......the sound of my penis hitting the Sauna heater is one I will never forget...it was like a pork sausage hitting a super hot grill......the flesh of the head of my penis sizzling on the metal....the penis was slightly stuck to the shiny metal surface....I pulled away in excrutiating pain........a 50 cent sized burn now shone brightly on the head of my penis..... Yow...Fuck...Owwwww...... I hopped in pain....wanting to grab my penis but knowing that to do so may only make things worse.....I continued to hop.....Ow.....Ow, Ow, ow.....My date came scrambling back downstairs to see what the commotion was...
"Oh dear..." she said....
"You think!"...I bellowed..." This FUCKING hurts like hell!!.."
"We better get you to the hospital"...she said....
?...are you kidding me....I thought....."And what would I tell them...? Hmmmm...?"..."That I burnt the head of my penis on a Sauna heater....!"?
A moment of stunned silence occupied the room.....all the while I hopped from foot to foot....making a shuh sound as I sucked air in through my clenched teeth....
"I know!"...I said.......Polysporin....!
The ultimate in home burn repair.........She dashed upstairs to the nearest bathroom and began to rummage through the medicine cabinet....I more or less gingerly climbed the stairs...1 hand on the railing, 1 holding my penis shaft so it wouldn't swing into my legs and both of my legs spread as far apart as possible to give the patient some room....
Just as I got to the top of the stairs my date appeared with a tube of Polysporin.....
"Here...let me put this one..."......Now I am not squeamish about intimacy but there are times a man has to take matters into his own hands...so to speak...
"I think not...." I said....grimacing hard....
I took the tube and squeazed out a dollop.......ever so gingerly I let the sauve land on the burn......Yowch....I screemed...."It fucking hurts..!"....
Perhaps the understatement of my life.....
Over the next 5 minutes....Polysporin was gently applied to all areas of the burn....I then thought...hmmm...I should protect this burn from the elements.....I grabbed a sheet of bathroom tissue and applied it to the gooey burn...it stuck to the penis....the white sheet of tissue hung from my donk like a sad flag of surrender....
Still butt naked, both of us retired to the relative comfort of the living room.....
I contemplated what to do next, while the date wondered what all of this meant.......
After an hour I realized I had to pee......I hadn't really thought about this...hmmm.....so I got up and wandered into the nearest water closet.....the wc was located in an odd place....right at the end of the main entrance of the front door....thankfully Sam was not expected home for another few days.....
I removed the tissue and fearfully started to pee.......ouch, ouch, ouch........it burns....ouch...fucking ouch....
Oh....relief....finally......I took a moment to reapply the Polysporin and attach a new tissue.....
I flushed and then opened the WC door.....
5 feet in front of me were 2 of Sam's best friends...Bucky from Newfoundland...and Bill Race......one of Vancouvers preeminent club owners.....
They stared at me .......and stared at me......I stood there unable to move...or even hop.......
Bill spoke up......" Wow Slab.....what happened.....?"
I really couldn't answer that one...not even to myself......I stood silent.....
Bucky then spoke...." We won't tell Sam any of this....we promise....."
" What are you 2 doing here...?"... I managed to say...I was trying to be calm , cool and collected ....all the while I stood buck naked, a 50 cent piece sized burn on my penis with a sheaf of white toilet tissue glued to its head.....
Silence......
"We just came to pick up some golf clubs for Bucky..." Bill offered up.....
Silence...again.....
"Ok....I said..." pretending to not be naked...." Go ahead...."...... at the same moment I could hear my date in the other room leap behind the couch...she, not wanting to be caught naked....
The 2 of them looked towards the living room obviously hearing the commotion...."You alone...?" said Bucky.....
"Um....more of less....The clubs are in the trunk of the car....trunks open....."
All 3 of us stood still.....awkward.....!...."OK....you enjoy the evening" said Bill....they then turned and left........
Oh shit I thought......this does not look good....
For the next few days I could only wear gym shorts to work......it was a casual office atmosphere but it was also a curious one......I got few questions about my unusual attire....all of which I avoided.....
The following Monday Sam returned from his travels......He called me into his office........" So...."..he said....."how was the house.."......and before he could finish the sentence he burst out in laughter.........I guess Bucky and Bill must have not kept their promise........
Ouch
Why do I bring this up.....? Well it reminds me of its near death experience.........
I was 26 and working in the music business for Sam Feldman.......Sam was/is a great guy and was always one to extend his largesse to his friends.....when Sam would go out of town he would often ask if I wanted to stay in his house.......
Sam's house was palatial.....great view of the city, Sauna, Hot Tub.....all the cool things that a 26 year old could ever want....along with the house usually came use of the Mercedes 450 SL.......all of this tied into my good utilitarian Scottish penis made me, at least for a short while, a veritable chick magnet......
On one of the occasions I got to run the roost at Sam's house I invited over a girlfriend.......she was a little shy...but after a bottle of wine and a little coaxing we were starting to get into the throws of romance.....
I suggested we take a break and go have a Sauna......we went downstairs to the Sauna room, cranked up the heat and continued to make out.......It started to get hot in there....very hot.......but my ardour was up .....as was my workman-like penis....
We were shagging.....sweating like rams in a coital frenzy....(Not that I would have a clue what that would be like but hey it sounds interesting...)
In fact it was getting too hot in the sauna....way too hot.....I suggested we go up stairs to relax and finish off our highly charged lovemaking...(sounds like something you would find in a ...Dear Penthouse.......)
She left the Sauna room and I followed behind......before I went upstairs though I remember Sam's words...."Always make sure the Sauna is turned off after use..."...
I went back into the Sauna and looked for the shut off switch...there...against the wall....I leaned over the Sauna heater to reach the switch.....however.... I forgot that I was still sporting wood.....
SSSSZZZZ......My penis hit the side of the Sauna heater.....a heater which was somewhere close to 280 degrees......the sound of my penis hitting the Sauna heater is one I will never forget...it was like a pork sausage hitting a super hot grill......the flesh of the head of my penis sizzling on the metal....the penis was slightly stuck to the shiny metal surface....I pulled away in excrutiating pain........a 50 cent sized burn now shone brightly on the head of my penis..... Yow...Fuck...Owwwww...... I hopped in pain....wanting to grab my penis but knowing that to do so may only make things worse.....I continued to hop.....Ow.....Ow, Ow, ow.....My date came scrambling back downstairs to see what the commotion was...
"Oh dear..." she said....
"You think!"...I bellowed..." This FUCKING hurts like hell!!.."
"We better get you to the hospital"...she said....
?...are you kidding me....I thought....."And what would I tell them...? Hmmmm...?"..."That I burnt the head of my penis on a Sauna heater....!"?
A moment of stunned silence occupied the room.....all the while I hopped from foot to foot....making a shuh sound as I sucked air in through my clenched teeth....
"I know!"...I said.......Polysporin....!
The ultimate in home burn repair.........She dashed upstairs to the nearest bathroom and began to rummage through the medicine cabinet....I more or less gingerly climbed the stairs...1 hand on the railing, 1 holding my penis shaft so it wouldn't swing into my legs and both of my legs spread as far apart as possible to give the patient some room....
Just as I got to the top of the stairs my date appeared with a tube of Polysporin.....
"Here...let me put this one..."......Now I am not squeamish about intimacy but there are times a man has to take matters into his own hands...so to speak...
"I think not...." I said....grimacing hard....
I took the tube and squeazed out a dollop.......ever so gingerly I let the sauve land on the burn......Yowch....I screemed...."It fucking hurts..!"....
Perhaps the understatement of my life.....
Over the next 5 minutes....Polysporin was gently applied to all areas of the burn....I then thought...hmmm...I should protect this burn from the elements.....I grabbed a sheet of bathroom tissue and applied it to the gooey burn...it stuck to the penis....the white sheet of tissue hung from my donk like a sad flag of surrender....
Still butt naked, both of us retired to the relative comfort of the living room.....
I contemplated what to do next, while the date wondered what all of this meant.......
After an hour I realized I had to pee......I hadn't really thought about this...hmmm.....so I got up and wandered into the nearest water closet.....the wc was located in an odd place....right at the end of the main entrance of the front door....thankfully Sam was not expected home for another few days.....
I removed the tissue and fearfully started to pee.......ouch, ouch, ouch........it burns....ouch...fucking ouch....
Oh....relief....finally......I took a moment to reapply the Polysporin and attach a new tissue.....
I flushed and then opened the WC door.....
5 feet in front of me were 2 of Sam's best friends...Bucky from Newfoundland...and Bill Race......one of Vancouvers preeminent club owners.....
They stared at me .......and stared at me......I stood there unable to move...or even hop.......
Bill spoke up......" Wow Slab.....what happened.....?"
I really couldn't answer that one...not even to myself......I stood silent.....
Bucky then spoke...." We won't tell Sam any of this....we promise....."
" What are you 2 doing here...?"... I managed to say...I was trying to be calm , cool and collected ....all the while I stood buck naked, a 50 cent piece sized burn on my penis with a sheaf of white toilet tissue glued to its head.....
Silence......
"We just came to pick up some golf clubs for Bucky..." Bill offered up.....
Silence...again.....
"Ok....I said..." pretending to not be naked...." Go ahead...."...... at the same moment I could hear my date in the other room leap behind the couch...she, not wanting to be caught naked....
The 2 of them looked towards the living room obviously hearing the commotion...."You alone...?" said Bucky.....
"Um....more of less....The clubs are in the trunk of the car....trunks open....."
All 3 of us stood still.....awkward.....!...."OK....you enjoy the evening" said Bill....they then turned and left........
Oh shit I thought......this does not look good....
For the next few days I could only wear gym shorts to work......it was a casual office atmosphere but it was also a curious one......I got few questions about my unusual attire....all of which I avoided.....
The following Monday Sam returned from his travels......He called me into his office........" So...."..he said....."how was the house.."......and before he could finish the sentence he burst out in laughter.........I guess Bucky and Bill must have not kept their promise........
Ouch
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