When I think of my Mother I think of the 1970's love song by Crosby, Stills and Nash......"Teach Your Children Well..."....However I can only think of the word "Eat" as a replacement for the word "Teach" when it comes to my family.....
I was the youngest of four and as such I had a bit of a leg up on some things...I had watched my brother and sisters squirm under the odd behaviour put forth from my Mother ...I decided I wouldn't let her get to me as she had to them....
Around the age of 30 all of my siblings received what lovingly became known as The Letter.......
Basically ......The Letter comes out of the blue....
One day you just get a letter from Mom.....nothing would have transpired to cause its arrival......
One day I went to the mail box and there it was...The Letter...now...it could be that this was not THE letter just a letter from my Mother announcing this, that or other....but then again...it could be The Letter...
I opened it up....
Dear John.....I have talked it over with your father, your grade 1 teacher, the mailman, the family doctor ....(basically...the letter claims to have talked to just about anyone who you have ever come into contact with during your first 30 years....)
and they all agree with me...that you are an asshole...I hope you understand that I only say this because I love you and its in your best interest.
Mom.
Short, sweet and to the point.....
Now....in my twisted perception of my Mother I think she actually has these letters hanging around the house in the shape of form letters....1 for the newspaper editor, 1 for the bank manager, 1 for the kids .....just insert the name of the new recipient....I know both sisters and my brother had each gotten The Letter.....
In a valiant attempt to ward off the evil spirit that is my Mother, the sisters had decided to agree with her....why not...? The easiest way to deal with a pit bull is to back off....no need to apply the Alpha dog theory here...you would just be shredded...
No..their approach.....apologize and hope that is goes away as quickly as possible.....
Now...my Mother, the cagey old bird.....knew that this would be one of the strategies used to disarm her letter writing wrath......she lay in wait like some literary Lioness...
My sisters called to quell the waters...as it was described to me, both conversations went something like this...." Hi mom....I got your letter.....uhhmm.....yeah.. I read it....I agree....yes you are right....I know, I know...I have been bad....yes I should call more often....I promise I will.....I promise.....
Then the Mom bomb drops...."so you agree you're an asshole..?"
" Well....no...not really.....I mean...I admit I obviously haven't pleased you but an asshole is pretty strong...."
"So...you're not an asshole....? So...why are you calling to apologize then...?
Ahh the coup de grace.....
Stunned silence.......
Sisterly retort.... "Well fuck it....!...who the hell do you think you are writing me a fucking letter out of the blue and telling me that I am an asshole....just who the fuck do you think you are...?
tears....tears, sob, sob......my Mother would be crying.....through the blubbering she would say....." How can you treat your mother this way...?" and then slam down the phone....
They would then be left with the phone receiver in their hand.....with a realization that they had just made Mom cry....no doubt about it....they realized.... they were now really an asshole....
My brother adopted a slightly different approach....I admire him for his pluck but I think it was a more risky plan of defense....
He decided he would come out swinging...say what was on his mind.....the best defense is a good offense theory........all sound in principal ....not so much in its practice......
His conversation went something like this...
"Mom....I got your letter....yes that one......Where the hell do you get off on sending me a letter out of the blue and accusing me of being an asshole...huh?...What is wrong with you...?"
My Mother...hurt and stunned by the vicous attack...."How dare you talk to your mother like that.....I thought I raised you better.....I took you in when no one else would.... I looked after you....."....and them slam...down goes the phone....and volia....he's left holding the receiver....yup....he tore a strip out of the old bird...yup....he's now officially an asshole....
So ....when I got my The letter....I was prepared...well....as prepared as one can be for a sneak attack.....sort of like the US Navy was on the morning of Dec 7th 1941........
There it was......neatly address with her flourish of a hand....all curlie cues and slanted lettering...
Dear John....I have talked to your Lacrosse coach, Grade 2 teacher, the mailman and the Chinese grocer and they all agree with me....you are and have always been an asshole....I only say this as you need to understand I love you....one day you will look back on this and thank me...
Mom.
Hmmm.....well....there it was....The Letter....now I thought...I could pick up the phone and call her.....but what would I say....?
hmmm....I needed to think on this.....it was the worst of timing as well...I was planning a 3-day business trip to Victoria in less than a week....this could be awkward....
hmmmm.....Bingo! In a flash I knew what to do....Nothing....I would pretend that I had not received the letter....what would she do....? Phone and say..."Hey did you get The Letter?...and I would say "..No...what letter?"...she could not easily answer that one....what could she say...The Letter that says you're an asshole...?
Hmmm....this could be fun....so I did.....nothing...not a word...not a peep.....
The next week I went to Victoria on business...I decided it would be a good idea to stay with them....a little bonding time........
I pulled up to their townhouse....they were standing outside waiting for me.....now... my dad is a unwilling accomplice in all of this......more or less...I suspect.....his plan of self preservation was..."Go along to get along.."...so he would have known about The Letter...he just wouldn't have had any say in The Letter....
"Hi..." I greeted them with enthusiasm....I was determined to see where this approach would lead........
I mean...what could they possibly say...? "Hi son....we sent you that letter about being an asshole...did you get it...? or...."So...how about that letter eh...?"...No.....this was brilliant....by saying nothing they had no choice but to wait and see what I would say...it was my move....and I was not under pressure to say anything...
"You guys look great...really I mean it...you guys look really great...".."wow...the garden looks great...are those strawberries...wow you 2 look just radiant...."... I hoped my glib greeting was not overplaying my hand...
I stunned them....what could they possibly say now....?
Nothing apparently.....
3 days of visiting and chit chat ensued...my parents were Golden...on their best behaviour....we ate, laughed and cajoled....nothing was said about The Letter
I left on that Tuesday afternoon.....I had not been out the parents door for more than 5 minutes when my Mother called my wife.....
" Kathy....did John get The letter...?"....my wife answered in the affirmative......"damn!!!" was all she heard from the other end of the phone line before it went dead....
Several months passed by and there was no word from my parents.....I knew the silence from me was driving her crazy......I was giddy....
One day the phone rang....I picked it up...."hello" I said...
"You're a bugger..." It was my mother, she was breaking the silence....
"Whatever do you mean " I asked...
"You're a bugger....you got The Letter and didn't say anything....what's with that...?"
I chuckled...
"I bet you it drove you crazy..didn't it..?" I said...
"Damn you John....you are a bugger...."......then she, started to laugh.....
I was the youngest of four and as such I had a bit of a leg up on some things...I had watched my brother and sisters squirm under the odd behaviour put forth from my Mother ...I decided I wouldn't let her get to me as she had to them....
Around the age of 30 all of my siblings received what lovingly became known as The Letter.......
Basically ......The Letter comes out of the blue....
One day you just get a letter from Mom.....nothing would have transpired to cause its arrival......
One day I went to the mail box and there it was...The Letter...now...it could be that this was not THE letter just a letter from my Mother announcing this, that or other....but then again...it could be The Letter...
I opened it up....
Dear John.....I have talked it over with your father, your grade 1 teacher, the mailman, the family doctor ....(basically...the letter claims to have talked to just about anyone who you have ever come into contact with during your first 30 years....)
and they all agree with me...that you are an asshole...I hope you understand that I only say this because I love you and its in your best interest.
Mom.
Short, sweet and to the point.....
Now....in my twisted perception of my Mother I think she actually has these letters hanging around the house in the shape of form letters....1 for the newspaper editor, 1 for the bank manager, 1 for the kids .....just insert the name of the new recipient....I know both sisters and my brother had each gotten The Letter.....
In a valiant attempt to ward off the evil spirit that is my Mother, the sisters had decided to agree with her....why not...? The easiest way to deal with a pit bull is to back off....no need to apply the Alpha dog theory here...you would just be shredded...
No..their approach.....apologize and hope that is goes away as quickly as possible.....
Now...my Mother, the cagey old bird.....knew that this would be one of the strategies used to disarm her letter writing wrath......she lay in wait like some literary Lioness...
My sisters called to quell the waters...as it was described to me, both conversations went something like this...." Hi mom....I got your letter.....uhhmm.....yeah.. I read it....I agree....yes you are right....I know, I know...I have been bad....yes I should call more often....I promise I will.....I promise.....
Then the Mom bomb drops...."so you agree you're an asshole..?"
" Well....no...not really.....I mean...I admit I obviously haven't pleased you but an asshole is pretty strong...."
"So...you're not an asshole....? So...why are you calling to apologize then...?
Ahh the coup de grace.....
Stunned silence.......
Sisterly retort.... "Well fuck it....!...who the hell do you think you are writing me a fucking letter out of the blue and telling me that I am an asshole....just who the fuck do you think you are...?
tears....tears, sob, sob......my Mother would be crying.....through the blubbering she would say....." How can you treat your mother this way...?" and then slam down the phone....
They would then be left with the phone receiver in their hand.....with a realization that they had just made Mom cry....no doubt about it....they realized.... they were now really an asshole....
My brother adopted a slightly different approach....I admire him for his pluck but I think it was a more risky plan of defense....
He decided he would come out swinging...say what was on his mind.....the best defense is a good offense theory........all sound in principal ....not so much in its practice......
His conversation went something like this...
"Mom....I got your letter....yes that one......Where the hell do you get off on sending me a letter out of the blue and accusing me of being an asshole...huh?...What is wrong with you...?"
My Mother...hurt and stunned by the vicous attack...."How dare you talk to your mother like that.....I thought I raised you better.....I took you in when no one else would.... I looked after you....."....and them slam...down goes the phone....and volia....he's left holding the receiver....yup....he tore a strip out of the old bird...yup....he's now officially an asshole....
So ....when I got my The letter....I was prepared...well....as prepared as one can be for a sneak attack.....sort of like the US Navy was on the morning of Dec 7th 1941........
There it was......neatly address with her flourish of a hand....all curlie cues and slanted lettering...
Dear John....I have talked to your Lacrosse coach, Grade 2 teacher, the mailman and the Chinese grocer and they all agree with me....you are and have always been an asshole....I only say this as you need to understand I love you....one day you will look back on this and thank me...
Mom.
Hmmm.....well....there it was....The Letter....now I thought...I could pick up the phone and call her.....but what would I say....?
hmmm....I needed to think on this.....it was the worst of timing as well...I was planning a 3-day business trip to Victoria in less than a week....this could be awkward....
hmmmm.....Bingo! In a flash I knew what to do....Nothing....I would pretend that I had not received the letter....what would she do....? Phone and say..."Hey did you get The Letter?...and I would say "..No...what letter?"...she could not easily answer that one....what could she say...The Letter that says you're an asshole...?
Hmmm....this could be fun....so I did.....nothing...not a word...not a peep.....
The next week I went to Victoria on business...I decided it would be a good idea to stay with them....a little bonding time........
I pulled up to their townhouse....they were standing outside waiting for me.....now... my dad is a unwilling accomplice in all of this......more or less...I suspect.....his plan of self preservation was..."Go along to get along.."...so he would have known about The Letter...he just wouldn't have had any say in The Letter....
"Hi..." I greeted them with enthusiasm....I was determined to see where this approach would lead........
I mean...what could they possibly say...? "Hi son....we sent you that letter about being an asshole...did you get it...? or...."So...how about that letter eh...?"...No.....this was brilliant....by saying nothing they had no choice but to wait and see what I would say...it was my move....and I was not under pressure to say anything...
"You guys look great...really I mean it...you guys look really great...".."wow...the garden looks great...are those strawberries...wow you 2 look just radiant...."... I hoped my glib greeting was not overplaying my hand...
I stunned them....what could they possibly say now....?
Nothing apparently.....
3 days of visiting and chit chat ensued...my parents were Golden...on their best behaviour....we ate, laughed and cajoled....nothing was said about The Letter
I left on that Tuesday afternoon.....I had not been out the parents door for more than 5 minutes when my Mother called my wife.....
" Kathy....did John get The letter...?"....my wife answered in the affirmative......"damn!!!" was all she heard from the other end of the phone line before it went dead....
Several months passed by and there was no word from my parents.....I knew the silence from me was driving her crazy......I was giddy....
One day the phone rang....I picked it up...."hello" I said...
"You're a bugger..." It was my mother, she was breaking the silence....
"Whatever do you mean " I asked...
"You're a bugger....you got The Letter and didn't say anything....what's with that...?"
I chuckled...
"I bet you it drove you crazy..didn't it..?" I said...
"Damn you John....you are a bugger...."......then she, started to laugh.....
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