I have always had a lucky streak.....that and a pinch of bullshit as my mother used to say....got my in and out of many situations.......in the early 80's I moved to Vancouver to be a working musician....
I played 6 nights a week in an "A" room club band...Aside from being the singer and bass player I did all of my bands booking business.....We were represented by the Feldman Agency which was, and still is, Canada's most powerful agency and management house.
As a result of working in a Feldman band when an agent position became available.....(which happened only about once every 3-4 years...) I lobbied hard for the job........I got the job....... it was a plum position.....
The Agency was co-owned by 2 people, Sam Feldman and Bruce Allen......Sam and Bruce had had a huge falling out about 3 years earlier with Sam making a midnight move from Bruce with the result being that Sam and Bruce were now in warring camps ......except that they were still joined both financially and legally at the hip.....its was akin to Diego Rivera and Frieda......living in separate houses joined by a bridge......fighting yet never quite able to get away from each other.........as the years have past, they have both become ridiculously wealthy...and I understand they have mellowed in the dotage.....
I had been working for Sam all of about 5 months and at 23 years of age was by far and away the youngest agent.......on this particular day all of the head guys were out of town....Shaw was in Toronto, Rob was on holidays and Sam was skiing on Blackcomb.....
The offices were a very intimate setting .....each of us working in a French door enclosed office that opened up to a small common area......as a result you could hear everything that went on in each others world.....when an agent was fighting for or with a band or a dispute took place between agents the whole of the office knew about it.....in a way it was very much a group therapy type of situation......
It was in this setting that the following happened........
It was late in the morning and as I said all the main guys..(Jews...yes Jews...they run the music business.....I know this sounds racist but it is true and quite possibly there is a law that all music business people must be Jewish...) were away for the day.......
Harry Wanstall, our 65 year old accountant had his office about 15 feet directly in front of mine.....Harry was the ideal of an accountant....old, cautious, thinning hair and wore a Cardigan ....seldom did I ever hear Harry speak let alone raise his voice......
That morning I hear him quite clearly.....I heard a few brusque words and then he slammed the phone back into its cradle.......my ears perked up.....what was that all about .....?....I wondered...
Kim Blake, our receptionist, called out to Harry...."Harry....Bruce (Allen) is on the line again and he sounds really pissed that you hung up on him..."
My ears really perked up........I heard Harry pick up the phone and yell into it....." I don't care who you think you are, I will not sign a cheque for you while Sam is out of the office......." Slam....down goes the receiver...... !
This cannot be a good thing.....even though Harry was Sam's accountant he was technically both Sam and Bruce's employee.......Bruce was also known as bit of a wildman.......the kind to throw chairs, fits and punches when he did not get things to go his way.......
Kim yelled out again......."Harry..... Bruce is screaming at me....he sounds like he is frothing......I think he's saying that Crystal and Chu-Chu are on their way here.....I think this is serious Harry.....he sounds like he's spitting..."
Tension mounted amongst the few remaining office staff.......added to this was my excitement that I might finally get to meet Bruce.....(What was I thinking...?...nice timing...)....within minutes in stormed Crystal and Chu-Chu.......C an CC were Bruce's right arms.....both were unattractive rather mannish looking women .........Chu Chu, a little tank of a Polynesian woman....5 foot nothing and 170 lbs...had a slight hint of an upper lip moustache.......... while Crystal was tall...more of the Praying Mantis type....both, very scary.........In they marched.....planting themselves right at Harry's doorstep......about 10 feet from where I sat.......
" Write the cheque Harry" Chu Chu shrieked...." Write the goddamn cheque...!" ....Harry....all of a sudden unusually alert, rose to his feet....." I will not write the cheque without Sam's consent...and he's not here...!"
Crystal spoke...." Harry if you don't write the fucking cheque...Bruce is going to come down here....and let me tell you...you don't want Bruce here...now do you Harry?"........
"Screw him and the horse he rode in on..!"....this came from Harry....? Harry had never said anything unkind or even out loud......Harry was Clarke Kent...only older......the phone rang again......Kim answered.....
"Chu Chu....Bruce is on the line and wants to talk to you..."....Kim passed off the handset to Chu Chu....holding it like it was covered in the Ebola virus.....
" Yup....uh huh...that's right....Harry is right here and he refuses to write the cheque.....yup...uh huh...I told him and he won't listen....Bruce...he's gone crazy.......you want to talk to him...okay....Harry!....talk to Bruce....." She passed off the receiver to Harry....
Harry was now standing in front of his office......him, Chu Chu and Crystal all jostling each other a little .....I noticed that Harry was holding his coffee mug in his left hand, his thinning grey hair slicked back and his horn rimmed glasses perched on his bird like nose......He appeared to be wearing a Letterman sweater with a big C on the pocket....he looked like an extra off of the Happy Days TV series......
He took the phone from Chu Chu with a certain air of disdain....
" I will not write you a cheque......!!!" down he slammed the phone onto the receiver, knocking the whole phone out of Chu Chu's chubby little hands......
" Harry.......!! She screamed......they then started to push each other around....okay I thought....this is getting really weird.......we have a dwarf like Fijian with upper lip hair, a gangling Ichabod Crane woman and a 65 year old Richie Cunningham all pushing each other around....snarling and cussing like dogs do before a fight.......
That day...there was only 5 or 6 of us in the office at the time...Kim Blake, myself, Harry, Lenny, Denise Donlon who went onto become head of Sony Canada and CBC radio and Marty the Gay (not that there's anything wrong with that..) assistant accountant.....
In what seemed an impossibly short time I could hear someone striding up the stairs..... 3 steps at a time...the office door being flung open and Kim Blake shouted.... "Bruce is here!"...
In he strode......shit kicking cowboy boots on his feet, wearing a well worn leather jacket and sporting a number of large veins that were popping out of his forehead......So this was Bruce I thought.....hmmm...I wonder if I will get to introduce myself.......(What was I thinking...?)
He planted himself in front of Harry.....Chu Chu, Crystal and now Denise Donlon standing between the 2......Harry and Bruce...
" Write the fucking cheque you old fucking fart" Bruce bellowed......
" Go to hell..." said Harry...."I will not write the cheque to you....asshole!"....huh?...Did Harry just call Bruce an asshole...? Bruce is 25 years younger than Harry and my guess ...Bruce is a whole lot faster....what kind of senior moment was Harry having....?
Bruce bellowed back....."You're just pissed off 'cause I fired you're no good flaky son.......Rocket!!!" .... Harry's son had worked for Bruce and Bruce had fired Rocket....Rocket was a little flaky...but hey....what parent wants to hear that....?
Harry barked back...." If I was 20 years younger...I would hit you...!" and then it happened....Harry dropped his coffee mug, spilling coffee everywhere, he then reached across the 3 women in between himself and Bruce and threw a drifting right clipping Bruce on the side of the head.....
Oh shit.......I thought.....then all hell broke loose...Bruce tried to punch Harry....Denise screamed out......"Don't Bruce he's an old man!" and then all of them fell over into one big dogpile right in front of my office door.....a mass of humanity all kicking, clawing, screaming.......
Brrrring, Brrrring.....my personal office phone line rang.....this was my super secret number....I picked it up reflexively......."Hello".....
" Slab...." (my nickname at the time)...." You should be up here...its a beautiful day to ski...."...Oh fuck...Sam was calling me from the ski hill .....and he is having a great day while right in front of me his estranged business partner, his aging accountant and 3 women were all wrestling on the floor....
"Slab...! What's that noise...?'
"Um....well Bruce is here and Harry just punched him and now Bruce and Harry and Denise and Chu Chu and Crystal are ...well....fighting...."
" Get Bruce on the phone....!"
" Bruce..." I held out the receiver to writing dogpile in front of me........" Sam's on the line...."....
Bruce snatched the phone from my hand........he looked at me as if I was a bug......
Putting the receiver as tightly to his ear as humanly possible, his veins a poppin'.... he screamed and spat out his only words...." I don't care what it takes....He's out of here...!" he hands me back the phone...and storms out of the office.....I made a mental note to wash the phone receiver....
...."Sam...?' I said.....
" Slab...what happened...?" I gave Sam the 20 second synopsis...."Slab.....gather everyone together and tell them that if anyone says anything about this, they will all be fired......got it...?!"
"Yes Sam....."....I hung up.........the office was eerily quiet.......
Not long after, Harry retired........We were told he had planned this for some time........hmmmm.....
I played 6 nights a week in an "A" room club band...Aside from being the singer and bass player I did all of my bands booking business.....We were represented by the Feldman Agency which was, and still is, Canada's most powerful agency and management house.
As a result of working in a Feldman band when an agent position became available.....(which happened only about once every 3-4 years...) I lobbied hard for the job........I got the job....... it was a plum position.....
The Agency was co-owned by 2 people, Sam Feldman and Bruce Allen......Sam and Bruce had had a huge falling out about 3 years earlier with Sam making a midnight move from Bruce with the result being that Sam and Bruce were now in warring camps ......except that they were still joined both financially and legally at the hip.....its was akin to Diego Rivera and Frieda......living in separate houses joined by a bridge......fighting yet never quite able to get away from each other.........as the years have past, they have both become ridiculously wealthy...and I understand they have mellowed in the dotage.....
I had been working for Sam all of about 5 months and at 23 years of age was by far and away the youngest agent.......on this particular day all of the head guys were out of town....Shaw was in Toronto, Rob was on holidays and Sam was skiing on Blackcomb.....
The offices were a very intimate setting .....each of us working in a French door enclosed office that opened up to a small common area......as a result you could hear everything that went on in each others world.....when an agent was fighting for or with a band or a dispute took place between agents the whole of the office knew about it.....in a way it was very much a group therapy type of situation......
It was in this setting that the following happened........
It was late in the morning and as I said all the main guys..(Jews...yes Jews...they run the music business.....I know this sounds racist but it is true and quite possibly there is a law that all music business people must be Jewish...) were away for the day.......
Harry Wanstall, our 65 year old accountant had his office about 15 feet directly in front of mine.....Harry was the ideal of an accountant....old, cautious, thinning hair and wore a Cardigan ....seldom did I ever hear Harry speak let alone raise his voice......
That morning I hear him quite clearly.....I heard a few brusque words and then he slammed the phone back into its cradle.......my ears perked up.....what was that all about .....?....I wondered...
Kim Blake, our receptionist, called out to Harry...."Harry....Bruce (Allen) is on the line again and he sounds really pissed that you hung up on him..."
My ears really perked up........I heard Harry pick up the phone and yell into it....." I don't care who you think you are, I will not sign a cheque for you while Sam is out of the office......." Slam....down goes the receiver...... !
This cannot be a good thing.....even though Harry was Sam's accountant he was technically both Sam and Bruce's employee.......Bruce was also known as bit of a wildman.......the kind to throw chairs, fits and punches when he did not get things to go his way.......
Kim yelled out again......."Harry..... Bruce is screaming at me....he sounds like he is frothing......I think he's saying that Crystal and Chu-Chu are on their way here.....I think this is serious Harry.....he sounds like he's spitting..."
Tension mounted amongst the few remaining office staff.......added to this was my excitement that I might finally get to meet Bruce.....(What was I thinking...?...nice timing...)....within minutes in stormed Crystal and Chu-Chu.......C an CC were Bruce's right arms.....both were unattractive rather mannish looking women .........Chu Chu, a little tank of a Polynesian woman....5 foot nothing and 170 lbs...had a slight hint of an upper lip moustache.......... while Crystal was tall...more of the Praying Mantis type....both, very scary.........In they marched.....planting themselves right at Harry's doorstep......about 10 feet from where I sat.......
" Write the cheque Harry" Chu Chu shrieked...." Write the goddamn cheque...!" ....Harry....all of a sudden unusually alert, rose to his feet....." I will not write the cheque without Sam's consent...and he's not here...!"
Crystal spoke...." Harry if you don't write the fucking cheque...Bruce is going to come down here....and let me tell you...you don't want Bruce here...now do you Harry?"........
"Screw him and the horse he rode in on..!"....this came from Harry....? Harry had never said anything unkind or even out loud......Harry was Clarke Kent...only older......the phone rang again......Kim answered.....
"Chu Chu....Bruce is on the line and wants to talk to you..."....Kim passed off the handset to Chu Chu....holding it like it was covered in the Ebola virus.....
" Yup....uh huh...that's right....Harry is right here and he refuses to write the cheque.....yup...uh huh...I told him and he won't listen....Bruce...he's gone crazy.......you want to talk to him...okay....Harry!....talk to Bruce....." She passed off the receiver to Harry....
Harry was now standing in front of his office......him, Chu Chu and Crystal all jostling each other a little .....I noticed that Harry was holding his coffee mug in his left hand, his thinning grey hair slicked back and his horn rimmed glasses perched on his bird like nose......He appeared to be wearing a Letterman sweater with a big C on the pocket....he looked like an extra off of the Happy Days TV series......
He took the phone from Chu Chu with a certain air of disdain....
" I will not write you a cheque......!!!" down he slammed the phone onto the receiver, knocking the whole phone out of Chu Chu's chubby little hands......
" Harry.......!! She screamed......they then started to push each other around....okay I thought....this is getting really weird.......we have a dwarf like Fijian with upper lip hair, a gangling Ichabod Crane woman and a 65 year old Richie Cunningham all pushing each other around....snarling and cussing like dogs do before a fight.......
That day...there was only 5 or 6 of us in the office at the time...Kim Blake, myself, Harry, Lenny, Denise Donlon who went onto become head of Sony Canada and CBC radio and Marty the Gay (not that there's anything wrong with that..) assistant accountant.....
In what seemed an impossibly short time I could hear someone striding up the stairs..... 3 steps at a time...the office door being flung open and Kim Blake shouted.... "Bruce is here!"...
In he strode......shit kicking cowboy boots on his feet, wearing a well worn leather jacket and sporting a number of large veins that were popping out of his forehead......So this was Bruce I thought.....hmmm...I wonder if I will get to introduce myself.......(What was I thinking...?)
He planted himself in front of Harry.....Chu Chu, Crystal and now Denise Donlon standing between the 2......Harry and Bruce...
" Write the fucking cheque you old fucking fart" Bruce bellowed......
" Go to hell..." said Harry...."I will not write the cheque to you....asshole!"....huh?...Did Harry just call Bruce an asshole...? Bruce is 25 years younger than Harry and my guess ...Bruce is a whole lot faster....what kind of senior moment was Harry having....?
Bruce bellowed back....."You're just pissed off 'cause I fired you're no good flaky son.......Rocket!!!" .... Harry's son had worked for Bruce and Bruce had fired Rocket....Rocket was a little flaky...but hey....what parent wants to hear that....?
Harry barked back...." If I was 20 years younger...I would hit you...!" and then it happened....Harry dropped his coffee mug, spilling coffee everywhere, he then reached across the 3 women in between himself and Bruce and threw a drifting right clipping Bruce on the side of the head.....
Oh shit.......I thought.....then all hell broke loose...Bruce tried to punch Harry....Denise screamed out......"Don't Bruce he's an old man!" and then all of them fell over into one big dogpile right in front of my office door.....a mass of humanity all kicking, clawing, screaming.......
Brrrring, Brrrring.....my personal office phone line rang.....this was my super secret number....I picked it up reflexively......."Hello".....
" Slab...." (my nickname at the time)...." You should be up here...its a beautiful day to ski...."...Oh fuck...Sam was calling me from the ski hill .....and he is having a great day while right in front of me his estranged business partner, his aging accountant and 3 women were all wrestling on the floor....
"Slab...! What's that noise...?'
"Um....well Bruce is here and Harry just punched him and now Bruce and Harry and Denise and Chu Chu and Crystal are ...well....fighting...."
" Get Bruce on the phone....!"
" Bruce..." I held out the receiver to writing dogpile in front of me........" Sam's on the line...."....
Bruce snatched the phone from my hand........he looked at me as if I was a bug......
Putting the receiver as tightly to his ear as humanly possible, his veins a poppin'.... he screamed and spat out his only words...." I don't care what it takes....He's out of here...!" he hands me back the phone...and storms out of the office.....I made a mental note to wash the phone receiver....
...."Sam...?' I said.....
" Slab...what happened...?" I gave Sam the 20 second synopsis...."Slab.....gather everyone together and tell them that if anyone says anything about this, they will all be fired......got it...?!"
"Yes Sam....."....I hung up.........the office was eerily quiet.......
Not long after, Harry retired........We were told he had planned this for some time........hmmmm.....
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