I am sure there are volumes of writings done by poor unfortunate bastards who have been through the divorce from hell like I have been.....but you know...sometimes you just got to turn that frown upside down and look for the silver lining...cause every dog has his day...especially as life is just a box of chocolates.....well...you never know what you're gonna get...stupid is.. as stupid does......and all the rest of that shit...
After reams of counselling and a near death experience with the Pope...see previous musings....I am better now...much better...
And as I look back on this journey...I see the humor in all of this...
Take for instance the day I separated......The night before we had ( For all intents and purposes consider the We as a Royal We as in my ex-evil wife...not that she's ex-evil...she is still very much evil I assure you...after all...12 years is just a drop in the bucket when it comes to Catholic anger....so really..she is still evil....but she is an ex-wife...so is all of this an adjective or dangling participle...you decide..but I digress.....or..wait...a run on sentence..?)
The day we separated..was a long one......we arose early and as per usual I went and watched Sailor Moon with my 5 year old daughter.....as an aside....have you ever considered the moral message that Sailor Moon hands out.......? For an animated character whose mouth does not move...she has a great moral voice....anyways...I was watching SM with my daughter....and the ex came down and screamed at us both...
"I told you not to watch Sailor Moon...The Vatican has put Sailor Moon and all Anime on a Papal watch list as being immoral!!"... now...I am not one to throw the word immoral around like some cheap Ikea Tea candle holder....nor am I one to miss the moral message....even if it comes from inanimate animated TV cartoons....but as I was 37 years old and so not a Catholic, I new it was perfectly acceptable to venture into the dangerous moral consequences that are Anime.....and my 5 year old daughter loved the colors and the noise...so....who knew I was sinning...I ask you...
I said in reply...."Its Sailor Moon for Gods sake"..:...apparently I was wrong...God had in deed chosen Sailor Moon to not be in his sake...so I stood corrected....
`I have told you both that there is to be no Sailor Moon in this house...and I mean it...!
"Ok.......I said......`We`ll watch reruns of HR Puf n`Stuf.." .....
`No way...`she shrieked....that is about The Druids......devil worshippers!
I was confused....was it possible that The Vatican actually had a no-show policy for cartoons......how did that work..........was their a big room in The Basilica that housed dozens of flat panel TVs....where budding Bishops-in Training sat around and passed moral judgements on the likes of Sailor Moon, GI Joe, Johhny Quest...( I always suspected Hadji of being a Muslim extremist) and HR Puf n Stuf ...
I railed...as I am oft to do......."You gotta be fucking kidding me.....that's just stupid"...Ì said.....apparently...that too was the wrong thing to say....
It escalated from there and within the hour we had decided it was best if we separated ....
She asked of me...
"I don`t want the girls too see you here when we leave the house....I would like it if you could spend the day someplace else... "
This was a reasonable request I thought.......
I phoned a friend....`"Can I come over and hang.....we are having troubles and I need to get out of the house..."
Sure he said....
I spent the day at Mikes place......lost in a haze.....weird when you know something is about to happen yet the total consequences are still unknown...I know just what that feels like....I suspect it is a form of near death experience.....like walking through a poisonous snake infested jungle.....you know you stand a fair chance of being killed by some fang-addled Adder ....too far way from the nearest village and anti-venom ......the bite would undoubtedly be on ankle where the only way to suck out the venom requires so much dexterity that you need a degree as a Pilates instructor or a birthright as a Gypsy to be able to get your mouth down that far..... the day was just like that....
I wandered aimlessly....in my mind....something I am actually good at....
About 6 o'clock I felt it would be safe to go home.....safe to see if this most recent of threats had actualized.......
On the way home I stopped at the local ATM....$20 for coffee and a newspaper in the morning should do.......in went the card....errrerr......the password was entered......tic.tic.tic..tic.....withdraw $20.....hit Ok........blinking light.....Funds Not Available......please try again....(amazing that machines can be so polite when they have no fucking emotional stake in this world.....please try again...they know I am fucked..they have a camera and can tell quite clearly that earlier in the day...someone...not me...took out all the cash....but NO...in my hour of need even the fucking ATM machine is laughing at me....I could hear what it really wanted to say...."Ok...dumbfuck...you gave her the bank accounts to look after.....she's pissed off at you and taken all of the money and now you want a $20 spot from me...? Are you fucking stupid or what....?"...That EXACTLY what the ATM machine WANTED to say...but no.........all this nice this polite ATM could say is.... Funds Not Available......please try again....)
I hurled myself at the blinking ATM screen........not possible...this is the household account...I know there was 10 grand in there....
The ATM machine did not change his opinion or offer a viable solution.......someone came into the ATM room at the bank and stood behind me......patiently waiting as I stared the machine down........
I looked up at the stranger and scoffed at him..."I had cash in here...I know I do....must be the wrong PIN Number..." I then walked out and got back into the car....
The short drive to the house was draped in a fog of feeling foolish........
I pulled into the driveway......
First impression was...why are all of the drapes opened........as I got closer...it hit me...the drapes are gone..........Oh no...worse than I could imagine...
I opened the door...the noise of the my footsteps echoing off of the bare hardwood floors....I sucked in a gasp.......the rugs are gone....
My eyes adjusted to the glare from the newly bare walls......shit...the paintings are gone......
I wandered into the kitchen......there on the table was 2 plates, 2 mugs, 2 spoons, 2 forks, 2 knives and 2 bowls.......I looked for the symbolism.......there was none to be found.....
I wandered aimlessly through the house....a bed was gone here....a table there....a closet was emptied in that room...the bedding taken from every bed....oh look...a lighting fixture missing......
There on the barren mattress was a crisply folded piece of paper....a letter..
"John.....I haven taken everything....including the girls.....Don't call...don't try and come to my parents...you are not welcome......."
Well.....I may not be The Master of the Obvious but even I could see the situation was dire....
The cold and barren walls of the empty house closed in and around me......
As I sat in front of the blank TV looking for the remote....(yes it was gone as well).....I thought that a night of sleep..no matter how fitful it may prove to be...would make life a little brighter.....
I slept...sort of....
I awoke to the early 4:30 a.m. dawn....July is so damn sunny in the Northern Hemisphere.......I crawled to the bathroom...splashed water on my face....dried it off with a paper towel ......I stepped into the shower stall.....groped for the shower knob........turned it on......"Fuckkkkkk....a stream as steady as a garden hose at full force rained down on me.......I looked up at the shower head......it was gone...the Waterpic Shower head massage with dial in pulsating shower stream was gone....she had taking the fucking shower head..........The day would not get any better.......
After reams of counselling and a near death experience with the Pope...see previous musings....I am better now...much better...
And as I look back on this journey...I see the humor in all of this...
Take for instance the day I separated......The night before we had ( For all intents and purposes consider the We as a Royal We as in my ex-evil wife...not that she's ex-evil...she is still very much evil I assure you...after all...12 years is just a drop in the bucket when it comes to Catholic anger....so really..she is still evil....but she is an ex-wife...so is all of this an adjective or dangling participle...you decide..but I digress.....or..wait...a run on sentence..?)
The day we separated..was a long one......we arose early and as per usual I went and watched Sailor Moon with my 5 year old daughter.....as an aside....have you ever considered the moral message that Sailor Moon hands out.......? For an animated character whose mouth does not move...she has a great moral voice....anyways...I was watching SM with my daughter....and the ex came down and screamed at us both...
"I told you not to watch Sailor Moon...The Vatican has put Sailor Moon and all Anime on a Papal watch list as being immoral!!"... now...I am not one to throw the word immoral around like some cheap Ikea Tea candle holder....nor am I one to miss the moral message....even if it comes from inanimate animated TV cartoons....but as I was 37 years old and so not a Catholic, I new it was perfectly acceptable to venture into the dangerous moral consequences that are Anime.....and my 5 year old daughter loved the colors and the noise...so....who knew I was sinning...I ask you...
I said in reply...."Its Sailor Moon for Gods sake"..:...apparently I was wrong...God had in deed chosen Sailor Moon to not be in his sake...so I stood corrected....
`I have told you both that there is to be no Sailor Moon in this house...and I mean it...!
"Ok.......I said......`We`ll watch reruns of HR Puf n`Stuf.." .....
`No way...`she shrieked....that is about The Druids......devil worshippers!
I was confused....was it possible that The Vatican actually had a no-show policy for cartoons......how did that work..........was their a big room in The Basilica that housed dozens of flat panel TVs....where budding Bishops-in Training sat around and passed moral judgements on the likes of Sailor Moon, GI Joe, Johhny Quest...( I always suspected Hadji of being a Muslim extremist) and HR Puf n Stuf ...
I railed...as I am oft to do......."You gotta be fucking kidding me.....that's just stupid"...Ì said.....apparently...that too was the wrong thing to say....
It escalated from there and within the hour we had decided it was best if we separated ....
She asked of me...
"I don`t want the girls too see you here when we leave the house....I would like it if you could spend the day someplace else... "
This was a reasonable request I thought.......
I phoned a friend....`"Can I come over and hang.....we are having troubles and I need to get out of the house..."
Sure he said....
I spent the day at Mikes place......lost in a haze.....weird when you know something is about to happen yet the total consequences are still unknown...I know just what that feels like....I suspect it is a form of near death experience.....like walking through a poisonous snake infested jungle.....you know you stand a fair chance of being killed by some fang-addled Adder ....too far way from the nearest village and anti-venom ......the bite would undoubtedly be on ankle where the only way to suck out the venom requires so much dexterity that you need a degree as a Pilates instructor or a birthright as a Gypsy to be able to get your mouth down that far..... the day was just like that....
I wandered aimlessly....in my mind....something I am actually good at....
About 6 o'clock I felt it would be safe to go home.....safe to see if this most recent of threats had actualized.......
On the way home I stopped at the local ATM....$20 for coffee and a newspaper in the morning should do.......in went the card....errrerr......the password was entered......tic.tic.tic..tic.....withdraw $20.....hit Ok........blinking light.....Funds Not Available......please try again....(amazing that machines can be so polite when they have no fucking emotional stake in this world.....please try again...they know I am fucked..they have a camera and can tell quite clearly that earlier in the day...someone...not me...took out all the cash....but NO...in my hour of need even the fucking ATM machine is laughing at me....I could hear what it really wanted to say...."Ok...dumbfuck...you gave her the bank accounts to look after.....she's pissed off at you and taken all of the money and now you want a $20 spot from me...? Are you fucking stupid or what....?"...That EXACTLY what the ATM machine WANTED to say...but no.........all this nice this polite ATM could say is.... Funds Not Available......please try again....)
I hurled myself at the blinking ATM screen........not possible...this is the household account...I know there was 10 grand in there....
The ATM machine did not change his opinion or offer a viable solution.......someone came into the ATM room at the bank and stood behind me......patiently waiting as I stared the machine down........
I looked up at the stranger and scoffed at him..."I had cash in here...I know I do....must be the wrong PIN Number..." I then walked out and got back into the car....
The short drive to the house was draped in a fog of feeling foolish........
I pulled into the driveway......
First impression was...why are all of the drapes opened........as I got closer...it hit me...the drapes are gone..........Oh no...worse than I could imagine...
I opened the door...the noise of the my footsteps echoing off of the bare hardwood floors....I sucked in a gasp.......the rugs are gone....
My eyes adjusted to the glare from the newly bare walls......shit...the paintings are gone......
I wandered into the kitchen......there on the table was 2 plates, 2 mugs, 2 spoons, 2 forks, 2 knives and 2 bowls.......I looked for the symbolism.......there was none to be found.....
I wandered aimlessly through the house....a bed was gone here....a table there....a closet was emptied in that room...the bedding taken from every bed....oh look...a lighting fixture missing......
There on the barren mattress was a crisply folded piece of paper....a letter..
"John.....I haven taken everything....including the girls.....Don't call...don't try and come to my parents...you are not welcome......."
Well.....I may not be The Master of the Obvious but even I could see the situation was dire....
The cold and barren walls of the empty house closed in and around me......
As I sat in front of the blank TV looking for the remote....(yes it was gone as well).....I thought that a night of sleep..no matter how fitful it may prove to be...would make life a little brighter.....
I slept...sort of....
I awoke to the early 4:30 a.m. dawn....July is so damn sunny in the Northern Hemisphere.......I crawled to the bathroom...splashed water on my face....dried it off with a paper towel ......I stepped into the shower stall.....groped for the shower knob........turned it on......"Fuckkkkkk....a stream as steady as a garden hose at full force rained down on me.......I looked up at the shower head......it was gone...the Waterpic Shower head massage with dial in pulsating shower stream was gone....she had taking the fucking shower head..........The day would not get any better.......
No comments:
Post a Comment